Bunny’s Journal

Don’t worry my friends.  I have not forgotten about my blog!

There are a number of pretty awesome things happening and there are some things in my life that I am working on with His help.  Hopefully soon, I will have them put together enough to type them in.  Until then, if you live in the Ann Arbor area, please mark your calendars for May 30th! I have my own show at The Common Cup on Washtenaw near U of M’s central campus.

Much Love.

My work week started out like any other, I mistakenly thought that someone was upset with me and I avoided them, and I had way too much work to do at the office.  Because I thought my friend was upset with me, I decided not to darken his door with my presence, and spent my evening at home.  I ate dinner with my parents, washed clothes, watched a British TV show on my computer, and even wrote a new song.  It was lovely to be home in my room, in the quiet.  Tuesday was a little bit better, kickboxing and then cancelling worship practice due to weather.  Wednesday, I didn’t see coming.

On Wednesday morning, I checked my facebook account to see that a message was sent letting me know that a friend had committed suicide.  I guess my reaction was not my normal reaction.  I was in shock, I was not hysterical, though.  Normally when someone tells me someone close to me has passed on, I laugh uncontrollably because I am hysterical.  I sat at my desk and I thought very deeply about what had happened.  I guess I was confused of the reason why he took his own life. 

When I first met Blake, I was on facebook.  He had randomly friended me because I was friends with one of his close friends.  After that, he would send me notes and little gifts and ask me how my weekend was going, however, he never really opened up about himself.  I guess I never noticed that.  Every once in a while, I felt like something wasn’t right, but then he would show up again and ask me how I was and what was up.  Blake ended up having to move out of town for work and things seemed to begin to fall apart for him.  He was on prescription drugs and things weren’t quite clicking for him.  He began to treat certain people as if they weren’t trying hard enough to support and love him.  All the while, I thought things were fine, and I was wondering how he was doing and why I hadn’t heard from him.

On Valentine’s Day, I sent him a gift and thanked him for all his kind words.  The next time I checked his facebook account, he had closed everything off.  I couldn’t see much and I figured it was something that I had done wrong, so I removed him from my friends. :(  I seriously try not to blame myself, however, he was already in a vulnerable state and I feel as if I helped to push him over.

With every hour since I have heard of Blake’s death, I keep thinking about what we were.  We were friends, and yet I keep hearing things like “he really liked you…”, a friend told me that on Wednesday.  What does that mean?  I wanted to know him more.  What does that mean?  I keep beating myself up like…if he really liked me, why didn’t he tell me, or wasn’t I enough?!  I know these things of which I speak are so not what I should be thinking of, but they keep repeating for me in my mind.

What I do know, is ultimately, it was his decision to do what he did.  As much as I am in pain about losing him, I cannot blame myself.  I get this feeling as if I have been left on a cliffhanger.  What would we have become if he had just opened up to me?  What would happen, if I could just have truly been his close friend?  Why didn’t I feel something when it happened that night?  Why couldn’t I have called him or something?? I really don’t know.

This feeling of liberation is giving way to desparation.  (Work with me, we’re going backwards in time).

I feel like whatever I say on this blog can sometimes fall upon deaf ears because the person that I intend this note for will never actually set their eyes upon it.

I was recently confronted, frustrated, and “freed” of a belief I held very closely to my heart.  The belief that when you first set your eyes upon that certain person…you know that’s the person you will spend the rest of your life with.  I believed in that magic, that unexplained moment when you know that God actually had it in mind for you to fall in love with someone.  I was so frightened and shocked when someone said otherwise to me one night.  I felt cheated.  (Work with me, we’re still going backward in time).

Last weekend, I had a free Sunday night and I invited my friend out to a friend’s house to hang out.  While we were en route, we started talking about dating in general.  Let’s just say that because of a past pain, my friend has taken a different outlook on dating.  He believes in keeping it casual, keeping his options open, simply seeing what he has in common with the person before becoming exclusive.  Sounded alright, right?  But why did I not have peace about it somehow.  I guess I had questions of my own with regards to the casual dating thing.  Like, what if say, my friend, asked a girl out, but she felt 10x what he felt for her, how would that work out if he felt like they didn’t click after they went out.  How would that girl feel?  What if casual dating proved to be the undoing of him?  What if he felt like he was becoming too picky, or not picky enough.  Whenever I mention casual dating, my friends think of that ‘Gilmore Girls’ episode when Rory and Logan decide that they are going to try an open relationship and they end up going out on casual dates apart from each other.  I think by the close of the episode, Logan cannot stand that Rory is going out on a ‘date’ with another guy, and Rory has to come clean and say that she is a girlfriend, an exclusive one, and dating other people casually is not good enough for her. 

While I believe that my friend would like to be in a meaningful relationship, I think that he is approaching things the wrong way.  Not to air too much bad laundry (in the chance he actually reads this), his past relationship did not have the greatest ending.  We all like to protect our hearts, especially after that first occasion when it has been broken, or mis-used.  While I appreciate his efforts to do something he feels will be effective, I believe in exclusivity.  I believe in getting to know people in group environments, how they react and respond to each other in groups.  I believe in getting to know people through disgusting, horrible, and difficult times.  I believe in then deciding on the relationship.  I simply cannot imagine asking someone, then asking someone, then asking someone, then asking someone out again.  That’s pain.  And I believe it’s pain living on through past pain, searching for something that you may never find. 

I can only imagine people not agreeing with this particular blog.  I don’t care.  It’s my blog, more importantly, it’s how I feel about my love life.  I don’t mean to throw it back in people’s faces, however, you decided to read this one today, and it’s how I feel, no one else.  But I believe we sometimes hide from our pain.  All of us are damaged goods and all of us decide to do things that we believe will help us heal and help us move on.  I cannot fault my friend for this attempt.  I love my friend very much and want him to be happy.   There were many wonderful and true things that he said that I must comment on to make this blog more true to his opinion.  He doesn’t just ask a girl out with no background; he wants to make sure that each girl he asks out understand his stance in the dating situation, he wants them to guard their hearts as much as he is guarding his.  Also, he believes that something like this takes practice; he simply wants to interact with people, become more people smart.  Who wouldn’t want that!?  I would, but all I am saying is…as a girl, I couldn’t approach this delicate matter in his fashion.

So….the liberated part?  My friends in the past and present, they are honest with me and I love that about my friends.  My friends have been there for some really difficult, painful, (forgive my language) and shitty times in my life…and I am sure there will be more.  But this friend, he was open, appreciative, flattered, and above all understanding about something that is really tender in my life, and I appreciated him for it.  I had a meaningful conversation about a delicate issue with someone of the opposite sex and we were both fine!  Granted, the next time we saw each other, it was slightly awkward, but we still talk and we are still friends.  I was actually happy that we talked about it.  (Work with me…that’s right, there’s one more thing I should back up to).

In a previous blog, I mentioned that I had written a song about a boy that I had a crush on.  That’s right, it was my friend (mentioned above).  Well, that same night of our conversation, I told him the song was about him.  He was flattered and he was thankful that I told him.  This is yet another reason why I am so happy, he was so very mature about it that we were able to continue our friendship….with a better working knowledge about our relationship and friendship.  It was nice. 

Well…I feel like this is my diary now.  But either way, I am happy.

I write to you on this extremely windy wintery day….it’s absolutely lovely to me, as I just enjoyed an episode or two, or four, or 20 of ‘Gilmore Girls’ and had a spot of tea.

Earlier this morning, I took it upon myself to shovel my driveway, shower, and get ready for church.  Well, truthfully, I just wanted to see if I could make it to the church, I didn’t actually intend on going to the service today, I had other things on my mind instead.  So crazy, and so heathen-like, I know!

During my prep time for church, I was reminded of one of my absolute favorite TV shows when I was growing up, ‘A Different World’.  It was that episode where Whitley was playing the role of Scrooge and was visiting Christmas Past, Present, and Future.  Anyways, since my favorite time of year is CHRISTmas, I was totally remembering their rendition of the “12 Days of Christmas”.  Hmmm, however, because of their limited amount of time or lack of writing staff, they widdled it down to only 5 days of Christmas.  It is with great joy that I share their 5 days with you, my wonderful friends:

On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

MC Hammer CD

On the 2nd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Two butts a bumping (go back to the first day and add “to my” before the line)

On the 3rd day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Three French Kisses (go back to the second and then first day)

On the 4th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Four Flunking Freshman (if you don’t get it by now, I cannot help you!)

On the 5th day of Christmas, my true love gave to me:

Five Onion Rings……(you know what to do)

Anyways, just thought I would share that with you wonderful people.   Merry CHRISTmas.

Good Evening.  Gee, I feel like Alfred Hitchcock right now.  Well, wait…not really.  I mean, he’s dead and buried; I am not quite there yet.

So anyways…tis’ the season for the same wish.  Peace on Earth.  Because I will be enjoying the sultry sounds of Karin Bergquist and Linford Detweiler tomorrow night, I felt it was good to review some of their masterpieces this evening.  I came across their song with multiple titles - ‘How Does It End’ or ‘Idea #21′ or ‘Not Too Late’….

Let it simmer while I finish listening to “North Pole Man” by them as well….

Till we lay these weapons at your feet, Lord
How long, how long
Till we call all hatred obsolete, Lord
How long, how long
Till we walk like lovers thru Bethlehem
How long, how long
Till the lion lies down with the lamb, Lord
How long, how long Too late
I know it’s not too late
To wrestle with this angel
Higher and higher
Don’t let go
Higher and higher
Before we know
How does it end
How does it end
We’re all riding on the last train
Trying to find our way home again Till we wash the blood from the hands of our fathers
How long
We’re all sisters and brothers, sons and daughters
How long, how long
Our eyes all shine in different colors we cry, Lord
How long
Our dreams our tears are all the same by and by, Lord
How long, how long Too late
I know it’s not too late
To climb up Jacob’s ladder
Higher and higher
Don’t let go
Higher and higher
Before we know
How does it end
How does it end
We’re all riding on the last train
Trying to find our way home again
It’s not too late Now…you lovely people…go buy me presents.  That will bring me some peace. :) 

For those that don’t know me…I am seriously kidding and seriously serious at the same time.  Let’s practice some peace amongst ourselves during this holiday season

It has been a beautifully long time since I have opted to type, however, a dear sweet wonderful friend said that she missed my words.  So strange that shortly before she told me that, I had already resolved to blog this fine evening, er morning….whatev.

So…for my Thanksgiving, my dad was out of town visiting his grandchildren and other two daughters and family; my uncle, who is now a truck driver was on the north side of Chicago; and my oldest cousin just had a baby that I didn’t know about.  Would I call it fairly normal?  Yes, for a girl who is getting out of touch with her own family.

I guess when I first started thinking about this blog, I was thinking about how great my Thanksgiving was.  I am now beginning to wonder what is changing and how.  So, the significance of my uncle not being at Thanksgiving Dinner?  He normally cuts the turkey.  It would seem that no one else is really familiar with cutting poultry products in our family.  My cousin wanted to step up but he was definitely under duress.  My other uncle simply fried a turkey, however, he didn’t want to be responsible for actually cutting it up.  He ended up doing the carving, however, he wasn’t very confident about his skill and well…we have interesting chunks of turkey from this year’s dinner.  The significance of my cousin having her 5th child and me not knowing about it?  Well, the last time I asked my cousin, she said that she wasn’t pregnant.  Apparently, I had asked her over a year and I believe that is last time I saw her. 

Oh, my title.  Duh!  So, the other really large portion of Thanksgiving with my family is the time that we spend around the table singing songs of God and thanks, and then going around the circle and saying what we are thankful for.  Normally, we think up what we are thankful for and then have a long family prayer that traditionally is very good and very telling of our year together as a family.  Well, my uncle (the new truck driver) normally gives the family prayer every year; summarizing our struggles, our happiness, and our eagerness for a new year of hope and growth in the Lord. 

My aunt:  The main cook, the keeper of grandma’s house in her old age, and the only one in her clan that never got married.  Oh, that’s another story.  Anyways, my aunt had prepared most of the food, and it was getting cold.  In the rush of it all, with hungry people and tired feet, she turned to me and said, “Jenny, you pray over the meal today”.  You seriously could have knocked me over with one of my mother’s sweet potato spears.  What would I pray for, what could I say that was going to be so great that I would hear “yes, Lord’s” and “mmhmm” from my relatives lips?  Not only that, but for some reason, I figured that the family prayers would only be reserved for the men of the family.  Why me? 

While I do not remember my exact prayer, I do remember my mother and my grandmother (on her 89th birthday) being very proud of me for stepping up in a way that I never had before.  I was definitely nervous, but I simple prayed about what I was thankful for and that was my family.  (The crowd manages an “awwwwww”).

A new guest at Thanksgiving this year, my little brother’s girlfriend.  I have a picture of some of the festivities below, however, I never thought that I would meet my brother’s girlfriend for the first time at Thanksgiving dinner being that he has dated her for about 3 years….ah well.  Perhaps we shall spend more time together.

In the meantime, I hope that you enjoy the rest of your turkey, LOTS AND LOTS of cranberry sauce, and start thinking about all the presents you are getting me for my birthday and Christmas.

I LOVE YOU.

Already interested?  I like to get the mind racing with scandalous thoughts about what Jennybunny is up to. 

Since Phil Wickham was not able to “Grace” us (haha) with his presence in Michigan during his current tour with David Crowder; I looked on his calendar for a show that was a little closer to my home state and was near some friends…in Indiana.  Basically, there wasn’t much thought that went into the voyage of this trip, just the thought of going to a coffee house and hearing Phil in his element, with his guitar, his voice, and the Holy Spirit guiding us through the evening.  When I say there wasn’t much thought that went into the trip, I mean that the voyage to the destination was 4 hours and 37 minutes of driving time….alone.  No worries, I downloaded an audiobook by Kyra Davis called Obsession, Deceit, and Really Dark Chocolate — funny murder mystery.  While my entire drive was about 11 hours total, the book lasted just until I got into Chelsea, Michigan territory.  Awesome.

May I definitely suggest Google maps for your travelling needs.  I did not have one single problem getting to my destination utilizing their site.  Either that, or I can follow directions fairly well.

Arriving at Sacred Grounds Coffee Shop, I was of course not knowing what to expect.  I opened the large old fashioned door to a decent sized front parlor and the smell of coffee and pastries invaded my nostrils.  The place was BUSY.  Two acts were performing that night: Abandon (a really awesome group out of Texas), and Phil Wickham.  Their merch tables were in full view of the front door and on the left was the bustling and busy coffee shop counter.  As I walked in, a large staircase was to my left and to my right I could see the stage.  The area was kind of strange, at least not the way that I imagined it.  There was another area to the coffee house that housed concerts.  Three openings lead you into a room that had two sides on either side of the stage with a row chairs against a wall that directly faced the stage.  What I saw on stage was not uncommon.  Four guitars and two hot pink post-its marked “PHIL”.  I chuckled to myself as I picked a seat near one of the walk through areas directly facing the middle of the stage.

It was 7:32 p.m.  I had arrived early.  Not bad, but I just don’t anyone here and I am stuck scribbling furiously in my journal as I check my phone and leave a message for a friend I haven’t heard from in a bit.  I watched people.  All kinds of people; all ages, shapes, and sizes.

7:45 p.m.  A tall man walked toward me.  I thought he had asked “you do know these seats are reserved?”  I replied, “No, I did not know.”  He rephrased to ask if the seats were reserved, and when I told him no, he and his wife sat down to the left of me.  The husband’s name was Mark and his wife Jenaffer and I started talking immediately about the history of the area and the coffee house.  She said that the coffee house was previously a strip club by the name of “Danzers”….yeah, I thought it was pretty corny, too.  She said that the neighborhood as a whole was a poorer neighborhood and that they had had previous crime issues happen in the area some years ago, but for the most part, they as a church and coffee house have tried to remain salt and light to families and students in the area.  Jenaffer is a Sunday School teacher for the church and mentioned that the current church does not have a permanent place to call its own, but it has been blessed by the kindness of others for places to worship.  Jenaffer was originally from Crawfordsville, Indiana, lived in Los Angeles for 10 years and moved back recently.  She said that the people of Lafayette always viewed their city as big, Jenaffer said it’s big enough for her and she likes the pace.  Also — Jeremy Camp’s father is the pastor here.  Just thought I would throw that one in.  I got to meet him briefly; nice funny fella.  Also, Jeremy Camp’s brother-in-law and sister run the coffee house.  Great ministry they have; I hope and pray it continues!

I won’t give a full review of Abandon, however, their hearts are pure and they have really great hair.  No, you don’t understand, each of the band members’ hair was a freakin’ work of art.  Not only that, they were all pretty.  Not only that, they all had a heart for God, were singing every single lyric the lead singer was, and really truly wanted to be there.  Nice boys.  Check them out. Set List:  Invincible, You and Me, Who You Are, Hold On.

P-Dub, Philly Steak n’ Cheese, Philly Wick, Phil Wickham:  I would have to say that this was easily my favorite Phil concert.  I mean, it is my third one this year, and my final one THIS year, I promise.   Phil was in rare form tonight as he was so excited that he could worship the Lord with believers for more than 30 minutes.  Touring with David and The Myriad only gives him so much time.  Phil started out so sweet with “After Your Heart”.  If this were the 50’s, I would have been in bobby socks fainting at that moment; it’s getting that bad which is why I am fasting from P-Dub shows for the rest of the year.  Phil had just come from Chicago performing at the House of Blues and said it was an amazing night seeing people worshipping the Lord.  He pretty much sang songs from his new album, “Cannons” and sang the title track mixing in Agnus Dei for a really great moment of hearing everyone sing “…I’m so unworthy, but still you love me.  Forever my heart will sing of how great You are.”  He sang my favorite of his “Mystery” and then he did something quite unexpected.  Apparently his road manager, Brody, really loves a song that Phil has done before, but Phil believes the version he has heard was so perfect that nothing could top it.  He played “Hallelujah” the way that Jeff Buckley did over 10 years ago.  It was so haunting, so rich and full.  Each note played on his guitar and each note he hit with his voice was so beautiful.  I had to record it for a friend who said that the first time he heard Phil, he knew that it would be amazing to hear him sing that rendition of the song. 

The next song required an introduction.  Actually, he went into full detail as to why he wrote the song.  As a kid, he read The Chronicles of Narnia and his favorite book from the series was ‘The Voyage of the Dawn Treader’.  His favorite character in the story was the mouse, Reepicheep.  He had everyone visualizing this naked mouse with a sword in hand, saying with a british accent, ‘onward!’  He had the crowd rollin’, actually.  The song he was referring to was Sailing on a Ship; one of my favorites from his new album and, well, as usual it was effortless for him. I guess all in all, I would have to say that you will never ever be disappointed in attending a P-Dub show.  I know I am never disappointed going to hear him worship.

Well, last thing?  The set list of course:

After Your Heart
Desire
Cannons
Mystery
Hallelujah
Sailing on a Ship
Messiah
True Love
Jesus, Lord of Heaven
Always Forever
Divine Romance
How Great is our God
Oh Come Let Us Adore Him

Shortest blog you will ever read from me:

Just asking for CALGON to take me away.  I feel like butter spread over too much bread…I feel like one of those oozy cheeses that is going everywhere.  I feel like some people just don’t think about what they say that will affect other people and their sensitivities and that upsets me.

I will be as vague as possible. Why?  Because it’s my blog.  And I can do #$@! well what I please.  That’s why.

Me.

STEVE HOLT!

Seligenstadt was our first stop.  I must say this was an awesome introduction to Germany.  Bekah, Sarah, and I were determined to stay awake so that we would adjust to the time difference.  Seligenstadt was one of those little towns that you wish you could experience every little crevice however, you only had so much time.  Matthias was really busy that day, and spent most of the time on the phone as we walked around.  We finally made our way to the edge of the city and arrived at the river.  On the other side, we could see the ferry boat that was equipped to take possibly 1-2 cars and bicycles and people.  This is where we first met up with Matthias’ family, we got to see the Kuykendalls once again, and decided to find a place to eat.  We found an outdoor German restaurant (I have already forgotten the name!) and it was directly across from a montastery….so awesome.  It was at this restaurant that I experienced my first Schnitzel dish.  My father taught me that you should never eat anything bigger than your head.  I was really really lucky this day because the Schnitzel was 30% smaller than my head…but it was a pretty big piece of Schnitzel…

We decided we should walk off that meal by strolling around the city and came into the main area of Seligenstadt which was a large area that was filled with booths of people selling random trinkets…aka - A Flea Market.  It was just as I had imagined it; a quaint little village bustling with tourists, residents, old people, and plenty of music and stores on all sides.  I grabbed a city brochure and strolled through the neighborhood.  Gunther (Matthias’ dad) decided he would treat everyone to ice cream from one of the oldest ice cream shoppes in town, and we all walked out with ice cream cones and smiles going through the village and then venturing into the monastery’s huge and beautiful well kept garden.  I took a picture with Beata (Matthias’ mom) and continued to enjoy this wonderful first day.  We all walked through and ended our trip in Seligenstadt by jumping onto the ferry that would take us into Karlstein; the city that we would stay in for the wedding. 

Once in Karlstein, we were acquainted with Mary und Carl.  Mary und Carl have the 3 story duplex that I wrote about earlier (3 stories of heaven) and they were kind enough to let Sarah, Bekah, and I have free reign of the basement and second floor.  Mary made sure that we had plenty of water…as well as chocolate at our fingertips.  Directly behind their house was the Heilos home where we would enjoy a small but typical light German dinner with the family later in the evening.  We then had a few beers with dinner (it’s a German tradition and requirement as far as I’m concerned) and went back to Mary und Carl’s. 

The next day, we traveled to the city where the wedding reception would be held, Aschaffenburg.

It has been far too long, people.  I have lost my urge to say “Ja” to just about everything, some of my favorite German phrases still remain, however, things that Beata taught me (Matthias’ mother) are quickly fading.  I still remember how to say “one moment please”, and “thank you for the water”, though:  eine moment, bitte/danke fur das wasser.

I believe that this trip will require the expertise of “Creative Memories” in order for me to get all of my pictures, momentos, and little trinkets from along the way altogether and in some semblance of order.  I just need to find someone that does Creative Memories….I am SURE I can find someone.

Let’s take the long way around the adventure, shall we?

Leaving the office for a week was one of the greatest moments in my entire life; if only it was for much….much longer.  I remember going out with the guys to eat at Chipotle (one of my personal favorite places to eat), and then finally going to see Transformers at Showcase…for only $5! Tuesday specials with IMAX are awesome, people.  Anyways, knowing that I didn’t have to work in the morning and my flight didn’t leave until 1pm, and having been packed for the past two days (this NEVER happens; that is how excited I was), I got to sleep in, do laundry to put away and chill out.  Little did I know, the Detroit Metro Airport was about to happen to me.

Check in and finding my way to the gate to meet with Sarah was fine, being stuck on the runway was something I had not thought about.  To begin with, Sarah and I (the girl I traveled with to Germany) only had an hour and fifteen minutes to get through JFK airport.  We were stuck on the runway in Detroit for one hour.  Beautiful people, do the math.  Could one really navigate through NYC’s JFK airport in fifteen minutes!? Ummm, no.  So, we were finally able to find our way to the Lufthansa terminal and get to the main desk.  What transpired there could only be explained as Divine Intervention as with MUCH reluctance, the lady decided to allow us to get onto the next flight leaving for Frankfurt and not charge us for not giving ourselves enough time to get through the airport.  I say Divine Intervention for 1) She got us on the next flight without charging us even though she REALLY wanted to, and 2) I didn’t get arrested because I really wanted to climb over the counter and squeeze her head till it popped off.  The 3rd will be separate as the airline double booked our seats….

We arrived in Frankfurt a full 3 hours late leaving Leslie and Matthias’ wondering where we were since we couldn’t contact them to let them know we would be late.  Nevertheless…we arrived…just without our luggage.  It just doesn’t end, folks.  We found out our luggage went with a later flight, so we decided to come back to claim our luggage later since we still had to pick up Bekah. 

Leslie und Matthias’ apartment was sweet and cute and we were glad we packed a few toiletries in our carry on along with some clothes as we were able to settle somewhat and then head back to the airport.  We got Bekah and our luggage and proceeded to our first small German city stop: Seligenstadt. 

This concludes the 1st part of the Germany experience.  Please flip yourself over to read the next entry on Sunday, October 21st.