Recipe: B R O K E-S O U P

Based upon the fact that I had no money for take-out, it’s snowing and we’re expecting 3-5 inches of accumulation tonight, and I just wanted to make soup, I decided to get adventurous with a creation.  At first, I called it ‘Broken Soup’ because of the condition of some of the ingredients…but this girl wanted to get clever based upon being penniless.  So — here it is:

B R O K E   S O U P – Makes 4 Quarts! Total Prep Time:  1 hour

1/2 cup flour
1 tsp minced garlic
2 tbsp butter (salted or unsalted)
32 oz. container organic vegetable broth
4 cups water
1 tsp salt
14.5 oz. can tomatoes – diced
1 chicken bouillon cube
2 tbsp sugar
1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp (each) oregano, thyme, sweet basil (dried is fine)
1 bay leaf
6-7 lasagna noodles broken into eight sections (uncooked)
1 cup linguine noodles, broken into four sections (uncooked)
1 tbsp olive oil
2 cups frozen peas
4-5 large chicken breasts (chunked; slightly seasoned)

In a large soup pot, saute garlic and butter on medium-high heat.  When garlic browns, add flour.  It will clump.  Promptly add broth.   Whisk quickly to combine broth with “paste”.  Add water and whisk the mixture; turn up heat to boil.  Add salt, diced tomatoes, bouillon cube, sugar, and cayenne pepper; stir briskly.  Add oregano, thyme, and sweet basil, as well as the bay leaf.  Allow mixture to boil for about 1 minute, turn down to a simmer, then stir.  (Don’t be afraid to taste, I changed the recipe online here because I added too much salt).

Add lasagna noodles and linguine, then the olive oil (to keep the pasta from sticking to itself and the soup pot).  Cook soup until noodles are tender.  In the meantime, cube/chunk your chicken and cook in skillet with a pinch of garlic salt until no longer pink.  Once noodles are tender, add frozen peas, then chicken.

Simmer for 15-20 minutes.

Try crusty bread or crackers to accompany the soup.  By itself is just lovely.  For Abraham Bacon’s sake, you could add some crispy bacon on top of the finished product.

If you don’t want to just put a giant pot of soup in the fridge, find smaller containers and place them in the freezer; it’s great for later!!!

Don’t Ignore The Brokenness

Fairly recently, our church congregation underwent a bit of a bittersweet time.  Our youth pastor stepped down so that he could become the pastor of marriage and families for our church.   While some weren’t sure what to make of it and others thought it would be for good, I sat back and took everything in. I wasn’t necessarily looking for an opinion to latch onto, but I was rather checking to make sure I was ‘OK’ with what was going on.

As someone who has worked with our church’s youth ministry for about four years, this was a definitive shift. This shift led me to visit the pastor’s “dream team” meetings in order to get a better idea of what was coming; what the vision of this new ministry in our church would be like. I was not certain what to expect, and quite frankly, neither was the pastor. The couple, Tom and Ruth Ann were stepping out in faith. They were new to such a ministry, and so was our church congregation.

In some ways, some of the things that they are doing and exploring can be similar to a marriage (in my opinion; I have no reference).  They are stepping out in faith into the unknown and willingly accepting difficulty through learning a great many different things about one another and about how others relate to one another.  They are going to encounter some uncomfortable moments while they go through this learning process, and they are going to experience some really exciting and stimulating moments that will encourage them to move forward in the new ministry.

My reason for the title for this particular blog is because each time I have attended these “dream team” meetings, I come out with that knowledge that the Lord needed to meet me there to convey something specifically to my heart that I was perhaps refusing to acknowledge with the hectic pace of my everyday life.  Perhaps it was my tardiness to worship rehearsal this past Sunday morning; my lack of compassion for some people that are in my life that I am acquaintances with, but should have taken the time to let them know that I was thinking about them; or how callous I have become to the needs of some important people around me just so that I can get things done….for me.  Those previous three items are things that came to my mind during the dream team meeting tonight.  To envision what a marriage partnership would look like; the unselfish act that it is truly meant to be, and to know that some people step into it not truly knowing what they are in for scared me.  But from a more personal standpoint, what does it mean for those that DO know what they are stepping into, and accept that challenge?  I know that none of us are perfect, but, how can we stand before another person and make those vows and say that we are going to put our needs second to the person that we are committing our lives to?

In my selfishness, I confess, that I buried my face in the comfort of my favorite vintage sweater that night thinking only of my brokenness.  Thinking of my past and present sins, thinking about who in the world could possibly take me on right now in this moment they way that I am.  I guess I was feeling quite hopeless because during the prayer, I just started crying.  I actually don’t really remember everything that I prayed because I was just overcome with the thoughts of those that don’t think about how their lives affect others; how much more will your life affect your future spouse!?  I became discouraged. Then, I became hopeful because He CANNOT leave me alone, He cannot leave me, He cannot forsake me.  It wasn’t an immediate happiness, but I was immediately reminded of the Father’s flawless character.  Praise Him that He puts some of these things in us that allow us to function; we truly do owe so many (ALL) of our greatest moments of realization and refreshment to Him alone.  Scripture is my only way out of the doldrums of discouragement when I consider my truly helpless estate (IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL).

“The LORD is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger and great in mercy.  The LORD is good to all, and His tender mercies are over all His works.” (Psalm 145:8-9)

“For as by one man’s disobedience many were made sinners, so also by one Man’s obedience many will be made righteous.  Moreover the law entered that the offense might abound.  But where sin abounded, grace abounded much more, so that as sin reigned in death, even so grace might reign through righteousness to eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” (Romans 5:19-21)

“Wisdom and knowledge will be the stability of your times, and the strength of salvation; the fear of the Lord is His treasure.” (Isaiah 33:6)

“Therefore the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you; and therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you.  For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all who wait for Him.”   (Isaiah 30:18)

Once you realize you’re broken, He replaces it with Him.  He mends everything.  It’s the only way I am able to literally walk; function; live.

If the above doesn’t seem to click for you, please consider listening to the song ‘Psalm 62′ by Shane & Shane.  The Lord sent it to me after the first dream team meeting for the marriage and families pastor.  I was so discouraged and so worn down by getting lost in my own fallen-ness.

“Oh I am calling out, oh my soul, oh my stubborn soul, won’t you wait on Him?!  Wait in the quiet, even in your fear, oh your God is here, to lean on!  He won’t move!!” (Shane & Shane – Psalm 62)

NWLC 2011 – Day 3 – The Aussie Attack, Girl Power Hour, and The Gungor

I was trying to do an “afternoon edition” of my blog, however, time got away from me (NAP!) and I ended up making it my regular night-time edition.  While I love to share about my experiences from the conference, I want to make it clear that I encourage everyone whether they are at a conference or just during their regular work week…to JOURNAL.  You cannot imagine what can be revealed to you by you and Lord when you look at old journal entries, or just get all of your emotions and reasonings on paper.  Just journal. 

We were truly blessed by Reuben Morgan and Ben Fielding of Hillsong, and Kari Jobe sharing and giving of their gifts in worship this morning.  I am a strong advocate of keeping things simple.  Just having two guitars, a box drum, and three voices was just right to start the morning.  It was such a treat to be able to have them come and lead.  I have never seen them lead worship, but have been hearing about them for years now.  I decided to attend the workshop with WorshipTogether which featured Reubs, Ben, and Kari.  Perhaps at first it was just me wanting to be in the same room with them (haha – transparency!), however, I learned a great deal about not only their songwriting process, but the review process of their music.  Ben, Reuben, and Kari made it very clear the importance of accountability, feedback, wise counsel, and room for criticism when writing music.  If we don’t have that system of checks and balances, we can fail to see how one line of a song or maybe even a chorus may be misunderstood or be inapplicable to those hearing it and singing it.  Lastly and I think something that is extremely important to worship leaders at churches everywhere, is that we need to be in touch and in tune with the needs, the story, and the environment of our church.  If you have a very large church, one could understand that you wouldn’t know everything about everyone, however, know about the things going on within your team, your small group, or your bible study.  Know how you can pray and help them; write songs that encourage and build up your church body.  Be His hands and feet.  It literally means the world to them.

After a wonderful lunch of Chick-Fil-A (YEAH BABY!) I made my way to the Exhibition Hall to check out ‘All Sons and Daughters‘.  Not the ‘Sons and Daughters’ that later became ‘Watermark’, but Leslie Jordan and David Leonard who were recently signed to Integrity Music.  Permit me to be odd for a moment – their sound is like harmonies that were born to dance and be one together; it’s a marriage harmony.  Such beauty between those two with their words and their honest precious presence.  I have their EP and will be craving a listen when I return home.  They have such a beautifully warm aura.  After that, I proceeded to rest, ,reflect and take inventory of the week thus far and went back to my hotel for a bit.  I know that I missed some really exceptional workshops, however, I was glad that I rested for a bit.  There’s nothing like a bit of rest to reset your spirit and your mind.

I ended up coming back in time to experience Kari Jobe, Rebecca St. James (I KNOW!!), and Gungor.  To see Rebecca St. James again and to hear a bit of her story was excellent and I fully intend on listening to her new worship album that was released a few months back.  With a brand new husband of only three months, a new album, and a new desire to love and worship the Lord, Rebecca was all smiles and humility tonight and it was amazing to hear her songs and worship tonight; it was a blessing.

GUNGOR.  GUNGOR. GUNGOR. GUNGOR.  Did I mention that Gungor led us in worship tonight?  I have been wanting to experience their show for over a year!?! What?!!? It was just a refreshing night to see a group of musicians express their love and praise and worship for the Lord in a non-traditional way.  It was a great last night for me and now…I get to share the pictures with you.

For those I met at the conference this year – it has been such a joy getting to meet you and learn about your ministries at your churches.  Continue to treasure the Lord and be obedient to His mighty calling for you and your life.  He doesn’t waste a single thing.  He wasn’t wasting time when He created and made you; He was investing in you, FULLY.

REUBEN MORGAN, KARI JOBE, BEN FIELDING

REUBEN MORGAN

BEN FIELDING

MILES MCPHERSON

WORSHIPTOGETHER WORKSHOP

DAVID LEONARD OF ‘ALL SONS AND DAUGHTERS’

LESLIE JORDAN OF ‘ALL SONS AND DAUGHTERS’

KARI JOBE – EVENING SESSION

KARI JOBE – EVENING SESSION

KARI JOBE – ‘HOW HE LOVES’

REBECCA ST. JAMES

WHY YES, THAT IS GUNGOR SEEN FROM THE VERY BACK OF THE AUDITORIUM.

GUNGOR

GUNGOR

GUNGOR – BEAUTIFUL THINGS

MICHAEL, JENNY, LISA

NWLC 2011 – Day 2 (The British Invasion)

I would have to say that today….I was overwhelmed at the selection of workshops and opportunities to engage with God, meet and fellowship with His people, and just enjoy another day of life.  The start of the day was amazing as Tim Hughes led us in worship along with a good word from Dr. Leonard Sweet about making sure that we are responding to our current culture with the current language.  We need to learn to remember and reinforce that we are a culture that experiences itself in narratives and metaphors (narraphors).  The question is “can we come alive to the language of our culture, for the sake of the gospel, for the benefit and glory of Christ in God?”  Not only that, but we need to understand that man took the scriptures and broke them down into verses, however, the scriptures were originally grouped as stories, poems, and songs; a continuous, beautiful and attractive narrative.

As for the workshops, I have to admit that I almost didn’t go to the second one because I had so much information to process after my first workshop, I wanted to take some time and break it down by myself.  I pressed on and here is everything I attended today:

“How To Stay Motivated for Ministry” with Buddy Owens of Saddleback Church
“New Song Cafe – Love Divine – The Songs of Charles Welsey” with Kingsway, Brenton Brown, Tim Hughes, John Hartley, and Chris McClarney
“10,000 Reasons: Thoughts on Inspiration and Perspiration in Worship Songwriting” with Matt Redman

Buddy Owens is an extremely affective and passionate real teacher.  I have to say that these trips are a source for me to relax and renew myself.  When Buddy asked the first question of “What Is Your Motivation for Ministry”, I have to say that I really didn’t have my immediate answer as obvious as it was.  Perhaps I was THAT burnt out and unable to think for myself that I couldn’t form an answer.  As I sat there listening and responding in my heart to what the Lord’s spirit had put in Buddy, I found myself realizing that, no, I had not been spending time with the Object of my affection.  That my passion for ministry has slowly but surely been replaced with the feeling of obligation, cynicism, and pessimism.  Taking all that into account, I couldn’t imagine going to the next session after lunch.

I took a break.  I chilled out during my lunch time.  I found a friend in the hallway and chatted about the previous session and decided to check out the Charles Wesley workshop.  That was intended for me.  It was time for me to worship the Lord, not escape by wallowing; I needed Him to come and let me know that “He is too holy for me NOT to worship Him”.  As I did this, I was so grateful for the fellowship and the body of Christ.

As I gathered with others for worship tonight, I feel a weight lift as I raised my hands in worship tonight.  My hands couldn’t be lifted high enough, I couldn’t sing loud enough, I couldn’t express enough words to praise My God and Saviour.  When these actions fail me, the Spirit He placed in me takes over and grants me some amazing joy and contentment.  Those last few sentences totally remind me of Phil Wickham’s ‘Cielo’….check it out.

I am thankful for the Lord – I give thanks to the Lord – I worship the Lord – I Really Love The Lord.

Here are some images I captured of today’s experiences – may you be blessed.

TIM HUGHES

TIM HUGHES

DR. LEONARD SWEET

BUDDY OWENS

TIM HUGHES, CHRIS McCLARNEY & BAND

TIM HUGHES

CHRIS MCCLARNEY

JOHN HARTLEY & KATIE (HIS SISTER-IN-LAW)

BRENTON BROWN (BB)

MATT REDMAN

BRIAN JOHNSON

BRIAN & JENN JOHNSON

BRENTON BROWN

BRENTON BROWN

MATT REDMAN – 10,000 REASONS

NWLC 2011 – MediaCon – Day 1

It’s that time of year! Time for the National Worship Leader Conference (NWLC) in Leawood, Kansas.  While avoiding the heat, I was able to enjoy the fellowship of several worship leaders and senior pastors from around the country while we heard from a number of speakers in various media-related positions at MediaCon – the NWLC’s pre-conference.  I have to admit, I wasn’t really sure what to expect this year as they had expanded the MediaCon workshop options and it took a bit of a time trying to figure out what I was really wanting to experience, however, I was convinced that I should be listening to Dr. Leonard Sweet.  It was very interesting that I found myself listening to his talks today as the story of his walk seemed to parallel a friends that I have been praying for, for some time.  I will continue to enjoy the times that Dr. Sweet speaks; he has a way of making the gospel’s mission speak to us amidst technological advance….pretty awesome.

Overall, the first day yielded some pretty personally amazing results for me, lots of quotes, and definite hope for the rest of the week.

The Lord is definitely reminding me why He has me where He has me.  Being amongst God’s people has certainly helped in getting me alone in His presence to ask me “Who do YOU SAY that I am, Jenny?”  There have been so many moments like that already today; so many challenges, and He provides the support for them all.

A few of my favorite quotes that were shared today:

“Media can diminish personal interaction/communication, but that does not mean that media is bad, it just has its limitations.” (Chuck Smith, Jr.)

“We don’t have a technology problem, we have a Jesus problem” (Dr. Leonard Sweet)

“Are our churches poised to receive people who are ravenous for real unvarnished, highly tarnished relationships?” (Dr. Leonard Sweet)

“Illustrate a point, animate an experience.” (Dr. Leonard Sweet)

“I’m not going to isolate you, I’m going to insulate you.” (Mother of Dr. Leonard Sweet)

Also – please enjoy some pictures of the day and the evening message and worship with Chuck Fromm, Phil Silas, Nicole C. Mullen, Buddy Owen, and Tommy Walker…look forward to Day 2 and sharing it with you

Late Night Craving

It’s the true moments like these….I really long for Jesus. In every part, overwhelming me. In every relationship, overtaking it. In every facet, consuming it.

It’s the true moments like these…I realize that I don’t long for Jesus. It’s only a moment and it’s gone and I don’t know how to re-capture it; so I long for the past relationship. Then I find, I have lost touch with those around me because I keep looking behind me.

It’s the true moments like these….I really need to learn how to long for Jesus. In every part, overwhelming me. In every relationship, overtaking it. In every facet, please Jesus, please consume it.

A True New Year

Would like to first wish everyone who is reading this a very happy and prosperous new year; whatever that means for you. I’m not being cynical, I am just not sure what it means to everyone. For this year, it means that I have the ability of creating a niche for myself in the musician world.  I finally decided to complete and release my album. With my goal set at mid-February this year, I am excited to see this baby birthed.  Most mothers wait 9 months for their baby; mine has been 14 months coming…oh the pain.  Perhaps I will actually lose some weight when it’s born! HAHA.

All joking aside (at least for this paragraph), I want to share about the main thing on my mind for the new year, figuring out who you can depend on in all things great and small.  For a very long time during my childhood, I wanted to be the one that was included and invited to everything that my friends had going on.  It did not occur to me that I could not be everywhere at once, I just wanted to be included; to make a decision on what I would be involved in.  When I wasn’t included in the things that I wanted to be, I felt like the world only wanted me to suffer, that my friends could care less about me, that nothing mattered because everyone was selfish, wrong, and not worthy. In a sense, a very bitter/harsh sense, I could say that this is true.  Since no person on earth could ever fulfill every wanton desire that you have, can meet every expectation, and make sure that you are included in every moment — no one will ever be worthy. While I suffer through this revelation, I also realize that it has been the same conclusion whenever someone fails me. I just keep thinking that there will be that one person that will never leave me out of anything. But, they don’t exist.

Create your own happiness? No. Shut the entire world out and never reveal your spirit? No. Grow a thicker skin holding everyone at arms length and never trusting anyone or letting them in? No.

Being honest with yourself about what hurts you and being honest with your friends about what hurts you? Yes. Finding the right and honest way to respond to people that fail you and not straying from letting them know it? Yes.

It has been a really long time since I last blogged about my life.  In that time, I believe I suffered my first emotional breakdown in late August/early September 2010. At first, I said in my mind that it was a culmination of some people in my life getting married, some people graduating and moving away, and some taking new jobs and leaving the state. The reality of it? I was in a relationship that meant more to me than I thought and when they had to move away, the relationship had to end because it was time for a new season of life to start. I didn’t eat for days, didn’t sleep, and couldn’t work.  I denied the importance of my relationship with this person, I denied the impact it had on my life, but I couldn’t hide the relationship from a few true friends.  Through many in-depth and uncomfortable conversations, my friends helped me to see that this relationship was probably the most meaningful earthly relationship in my life…and I was denying its importance.  This person included me in so many things in their life; there really weren’t too many things that I missed, and when it was time for them to go — I didn’t realize it was ending, and the ending was very abrupt for me.   This past holiday season, this friend disappointed me and it hurt. It was then I realized I was still letting their departure affect and somehow dictate my emotions. Them being in town revived me and gave me peace; I was happy and it was good to feel that way again but also very disturbing and troubling; how could I let someone do that in my life? While the event that occurred wasn’t earth shattering, my heart and mind let me believe something else. I had to come clean and be honest with myself that it wasn’t healthy and how it was supposed to be. Now, it’s time to commit to telling my friend the truth.

I cannot depend on anyone or anything.  I can only depend on the Creator…and even He specifically says “no” to me from time to time. It sucks and it pains me, but, they aren’t in His will–His plan; and I am astonishingly alright with that…..I must be getting older

(This is where I spout my challenge and my credibly finite wisdom): If it’s going to truly be a new year for you, take the time to be a little bit more true and honest to yourself and to other people.

 

It’s all about GROWTH here.

If you’re not growing, you’re fading. There is no in between. There is no stagnation. I think it’s only healthy that you communicate to your spirit as well as those in your life how things affect you. You really are deceiving them if you don’t let them know you, and you really are deceiving yourself if you think people can automatically read and perceive your thoughts/emotions without you saying something.

With that being said, my new year just got truer, and a little brighter.

 

 

HAPPY. NEW. YEAR.

Hey, No WOMAN Is An Island, Either.

When unfortunate events occur, most of us have a number of things we can do: 1) we blame ourselves and keep repeating the event in our heads – torturing ourselves for being so stupid; 2) blame others and their reactions thinking that the outcome would have been different; 3) wonder why all this crap has to happen on our watch; or 4) figure out how to make it work for our benefit; for the benefit of the Body.

Yeah, so, I’m not on #4 yet, but I’ve been through 1-3 a few times.  The one thing I do know is this:  what we encounter individually has already been experienced by thousands; those before us and those with us now.   It stands to reason that someone around us has been through it before and can communicate/vocalize what they did to free themselves of the burden.  Why do we refuse to be transparent with other people when that is what we want from other people???  How long will it take us to realize that we must initiate change; that it needs to start with us first???

When I remember all the mistakes and embarrassing moments I have had, I visibly twitch and wish that I could change them.  But what I fail to realize is how great God is; that He allows the folly/failure/sometimes pain so that I could be steered in the right direction once again.  (It also makes me think about that one Simpson’s episode where Lisa conducts a series of experiments on Bart with electro-shock consequences; yeah no, Bart learns nothing.  We learn that a hamster is smarter than a Bart Simpson).

This past weekend, I was traveling back from a concert with a good friend, who really convicted me about something that I had categorized as a minimal sin;  nothing substantial, and it hurt him that I was so flippant.  It was at this point, I wanted to leave the car (doing this while driving would really do no good), and just give up on the rebuke.  The pain and discomfort I felt that my friend had called me out was almost unbearable; I actually started crying in the car.  I realized that I valued his words in my life so very much.  I also realized that the Spirit was still at work in my heart reining me back in to what was oh so important….to refuse the urge to be hypocritical; to please certain groups of people instead of pleasing God. It definitely does get exhausting after a certain point; you can’t keep up appearances for too long, either.

My pastor this past Sunday morning was SO full of the Spirit that it was almost unbearable.   I actually would classify it as a squirm factor of 20 (out of 10, folks), because it was speaking to my spirit and convicting me again.  The ultimate beauty of it all was that in the midst, HE WAS CALLING ME.  He was drawing me back to Himself and was oh so overjoyed to see me seeing Him in the midst of my folly, my faults, my shame.  I don’t state this lightly…HE WAS REALLY THERE and bringing a smile to my face and creating a genuine desire for Him again, allowing me to approach and embrace those that I was hesitant to before.

In response to this really weighty weekend; I realize the amazing gift the Lord has given me to praise and honor Him.  I am embarking on a project I will announce in my next blog. May God be praised by the work of my mind – for His glory.

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.” (Hebrews 12:1-3)

Dreams

“Dreams, I have dreams. When I’m awake…when I’m asleep…” (Dreams, Brandi Carlile)

Yesterday, I went to church like I normally do on Wednesday night, watched the youth band do an excellent job with worship and heard a message that I actually took notes on. Rock on. It was after that enjoyable period that I had to tell the youth pastor that I did not feel led by God to go on the youth mission trip to Peru this summer. The pastor was disappointed as he really wanted to count me in with those that could help lead the team, however, I have found myself praying and praying about this particular trip for weeks now, and while I have been really excited about the trip in general, I haven’t felt led to go.

At around 4:00 a.m. on Thursday morning, I was dreaming.   This will be odd…but I was dreaming about Oprah Winfrey and one of her random television episodes where she recognized extraordinary talent.   But this wasn’t just some random concert, the people performing were all worship leaders who were sharing music that they had written that had become “staples” of contemporary worship in the church.  I seemed to have come in at the tail end of Matt Redman, however, I was just in time for the beginning of Tim Hughes’s song “God of Justice”.  Every time I hear this song, it instantly reminds me of missions work. Not only that, but I kept hearing and seeing the verses Mark 10:45 appear before my eyes.  It was all so startling, I could not remain in the dream, I was brought out of a dead sleep.

By about 5:49 a.m., I got up and grabbed my bible and have been reading, praying, and meditating over Mark 9 and 10 trying to decipher why I just had the dream I did. It has been pretty intense (thanks WLT), but at the same time, I think there is a meaning to this dream; more than just dream interpretation.

I am very confused about the dream that very night after I had talked to the youth pastor. What does it mean? Does it mean that I go back to the pastor and say that I saw in a dream that I should go because it was talking about serving (missions)? Or does it mean something else? Oprah (gag) was recognizing worship leaders! Honoring God by singing songs of praise to Him; that is my calling!! So, that is something else to think about. Man oh man…do I have some praying to do. I’ll keep you updated.

If You Think God Can’t, What Makes You Think A Man Can?!

While it has been an incredibly long time since I actually blogged here, I have had many topics come to mind. Since the summer has pretty much come and gone, I have been through some significant realizations in my life that will inevitably affect the future path I go down. I believe the biggest one would have concerns the looking towards my future united to someone that I love; a husband, my other half, my partner, my second love. I was so determined to never give up searching for him, that I forgot to prepare myself for what he would find and be looking for. Does that make any sense? Even if it doesn’t, it does to me, it’s my blog…so there.

Of all of the things that I was holding onto, this was the one that gave me the best sense of false security. Exactly. False security, a way of controlling the future by holding onto it in our minds…that’s so stupid (insert Boo’s laughter here). Every new guy that came into my life, I would wonder if they were the one (I believe I have mentioned this in a previous blog, even). I could never find peace about where I was in life because I was measuring everything against how much other people had; so totally going against the things your parents tell you, that God tells you, that you are a unique creation and there is no one like you, there will never be any else like you. So…why am I trying so hard to be categorized like someone else?? To fall into the trap of someone else’s life….ewww.

So — the two first paragraphs were just to lay down the foundation. Over the summer, one of my closest friends and I decided to read a book called ‘Every Woman’s Battle’ (EWB). This book literally changed my life last summer as I read it for the first time and got rid of a few addictions and unhealthy behaviors that I was so happy to be freed from; it has been an amazing time of gratefulness to the Lord since then. I cannot say that I was completely cured and healed of some behaviors, however, that has not stopped the Lord from consistently standing in the way of the wrong path in order to guide me down the correct one. Accountability has helped! But let’s bring it back to the book. EWB has a workbook for single women. I have been working with that one while my friend (who is married) worked with the other. There are different questions every once in a while. One question was along the lines of this: “Do You Believe that God craves and desires a romantic relationship with you, or do you believe this kind of romantic relationship is only possible with a man?”

I thought that my answer would be reasonably simple, and I was just trying to get through the questions to exchange my book with my friend so that we could have a discussion. I found myself quite frustrated when my answer came out “wrong”. I kept thinking that the Lord just doesn’t feel that way about me; that He can’t possibly find me beautiful in that way. I mean, He can’t, right? Wait, who is to say that God can’t do something? Wait, so that must mean that He can and does feel that way about me? Weird. I mean how in the world could a human man feel that about me if God (in my mind) couldn’t? That’s just not possible. He put that desire and nature into a man!

God’s love for us is and can be manifested into the way a marriage is set up; yup, right down to the physical aspect. The attraction, the desire, all of it. So, I just start thinking, ack?! What in the world have I been taught over so many years that I only see God as this friendly friend, Father figure, Protector? In addition to this, He is my Lover, My Partner, My First Love. Now, I understand that some may be nodding in agreement and maybe a few people are like “duh” to my realizations, however, I just realized I don’t think the Lord finds me beautiful in that way….but uh, He does; it’s just going to take a little time for me to process that. And because I have taken the time to type all this out, ladies, I hope that you would take the time to realize that God feels the same way about you, too.