VD – Don’t Infect Me

Valentine’s Day. I don’t know if I would want to put a happy in front of that. So, my best friend just called me on my cell, and I ignored the call; so she then proceeded to call the house phone. I had to answer that one. There is no reason why I have to be so grumpy today, but I still am. I really don’t want to hear anything about what day it is and the reminder that I am one of the many single masses. But yet, I am letting it hit me and it is really pissing me off today!!

A friend of mine who moved from Michigan to Florida was telling me that she was using this day to be reminded of how her love is for her Savior and that her Savior loves her. I applaud her for being able to look at it from this angle, however, I choose to furrow my brow and get to the verge of tears. When I tried to think about how the Savior loves me this morning, I got this skeptical look on my face. I couldn’t go to that place at that moment. And I am coming to the conclusion that this damn holiday is man-made; it’s a way to cater to those that take that time to devote to spending an ungodly amount of time wearing red, eating chocolate, going out to expensive dinners, and for some…to take the time to propose to their loves. Basically, I can’t reflect on the Savior’s love in a special way on this day, because it caters to physical love, physical meaning the relationship between two people in love without the spiritual Godly aspect of it.

Please forgive me. Please, please forgive me. I think because I just recently came to the conclusion that I am ready to date…not having a date on VD just seems to be pissing me off. But it’s for you to read and me to type.

(This blog may later be deleted – better read it while it’s hot!)

Oh How Blind I Am…But Then He Does Something Incredible…

This will probably be the most revealing blog yet, because it’s late and I am no longer erring on the side of caution.

So — I have this issue where my heart becomes the strongest (weakest) part of my body.  It goes against common sense, it refuses help, and it always thinks it will outwit and outlive its creator.   That being said, I dare to mention that once again, even against the Holy Spirit’s best judgment, my heart decided that it was going to go forth yet again and invest itself in someone that it knew was not meant for it.

He was/is the kindest and best of men.  Someone who thinks the best things of family and is generous with his money, his time, and above all, himself.  There was/is never a moment where I was not attended to, not thought of while I was in his presence, and…well, he spoke my language, my love language; if music is a love language.  I think it is.

When one thinks about it, what is so wrong about this particular situation??  He seems very attentive to me and I seem to be aware of his presence.  What is stopping me?  Hmmm, I guess I would be that little pesky thing called defining exactly what type of relationship that you have.  But of course, I stop myself and wonder, I mean really wonder, ‘does he feel that way about me’??  Well, as of Sunday, I know the truth.  NO.

So, where does this leave me??  Realizing that once again, I have jumped to conclusions that this silly heart wanted to skip, run, and slide into.  Truthfully, I knew that I wasn’t supposed to feel this way about him; mainly because if he had felt that way, he would have acted on it earlier; he would have defined it as such, however, he didn’t.  That should have been my hint to stop dwelling on what is not for me.  But my stupid mis-directed heart, it wants what it can’t necessarily have.  It’s strange.  I think my heart is blind, feeling along the way just looking for something to latch onto, but we have to learn to take hold of it and place it in His care so that He can help it decipher what it is feeling.

God did something incredible for me though.  He rescued me before I fell too hard.  He knew that my heart would drag down the wrong path and He answered my heart’s unconscious prayer oh so quickly.  When I found out that this was the wrong path yet again, He gracefully and lovingly grabbed my hand and pulled me toward Him.  I have to say, the warmth of His beating heart is incredibly amazing; and the beat is so steady and sure.  God’s heart, make no mistake, truly is the most incredibly passionate, wild, steady, unwavering, untameable, and most careful force I could ever imagine.  And just think, it’s passionate and longing for me.  Who needs anyone else?  Ah — I’ll leave that for another blog. 

Faithful – Brooke Fraser

This Is Currently Summarizing Me.

FAITHFUL

There’s distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know You’re always here
But the comfort of you near is what I long for….

When I can’t feel You, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can’t hear You, I know You still hear every word I pray
And I want You more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for You maybe I’m made more Faithful.

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft Your name, let it roll around my tongue,
knowing You’re the only one who knows me
You know me….

When I can’t feel You, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can’t hear You, I know You still hear every word I pray
And I want You more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for You maybe I’m made more…

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

When I can’t feel You, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can’t hear You, I know You still hear every word I pray
And I want You more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for You maybe I’m made more
And as I wait for You, I am made more
Faithful.

He Knows Me.

…And That’s When The Fight Broke Out……

An Open Letter:

It happened again. I used to think I liked to suffer, until I suffered just a little bit too long and too hard. It ended up being an outburst to an unsurprised party. He just kept shaking His head just so that I knew He wasn’t being mean, He was just understanding. He wanted to make me see that it was all in my mind…why I was suffering so. My mind ran rampant wondering why He had let me see so many other undeserving people (LIKE MYSELF) find relationships, find other people that found them interesting in that way, and yet, I was suffering by being alone; I felt like He was letting me suffer. I continue to struggle with not understanding; I continue to struggle with being so selfish. My goodness, my selfishness, my self-righteousness took a front seat and I refuse to let go of it.

I had never really been upset and angry with Him before, but right now, just plain livid. Why does my mind always seem to want and desire something that is never coming to fruition!? Why is it that I always think I am so close, when yet I am so very far away? Then, I begin to think to myself, it’s time to move away, I need to rid myself of all the people I have become to familiar with and start a new life for myself with new friends and a new prospect pool; surely that will increase my odds of being happy with a mate, right? Since there are no guarantees, I continue to remain here, wondering where this person could be….if they even exist for me at all.

Yes, everytime someone new comes around, I will think they are the one and I become overly excited with they aren’t attached. I wonder then why nothing happens. Perhaps it is the strange way that I view myself. I find myself most times to be pretty enough, but maybe others don’t feel that way. Not necessarily getting too down on myself, (don’t send me frakking messages!) I just wonder how other people view me…truly.

So, dear reader, in closing, I don’t like to suffer, however, I suffer because my mind plays evil little deceitful tricks. It gives the wrong messages to my heart leaving me wondering why nothing ever clicks for me. I see other people starting relationships and I wonder when my turn will be. But whatever, I just choose to give up right now. I choose to be upset and peeved when I feel like it and not necessarily just wait…just not care.

Thanks, I Had A Good Time.

An Open Letter:

Hey.  Just wanted to say that I had a really great time with you the other evening.  I realize now that there are some things that we should have talked about that we didn’t.  I have to apologize to you because I really think that I should have brought them up instead of shying away from them. 

I wanted to say that yes, while you’re a good man, however, you are not necessarily a good person.  Okay, perhaps the past sentence seemed extremely blunt and insensitive, however, none of us are good people.  We all have not been completely innocent in our lives, we all have tried very hard to be a good person, however, deep down, we really know that we all fall short.

I wanna talk to you more about this.  You seemed really open to it and I really want to share what I believe to be extremely important to our futures; even if they don’t involve us being together.  I want to be able to share what my heart feels whenever I see creation at its most unexplainable moments; I want to be able to share Christ with you.  His name and His fame have been dragged through so much mud for so long because we feeble minded have tried so hard to explain Him and who He is instead of directing people who need Him towards His Word.

I hope this letter hasn’t scared you.  If anything, I hope it opens up a way for us to talk about the hope that I have and how much I have come to care for you. I need to share it with you.  I hope that we have time to have another dinner together, another drink or two…or three and be honest about how messed up our lives really are.  No hiding, no sugar coating, and no tangents this time, friend.  I love you too much to let your eternal home be in darkness with no chance of light, and life with no chance of hope.

An Emotional Outburst — A Praise and Blessing of Worship.

As I awakened Tuesday morning, my heart was full of dread.  I remembered that it was election day and that I was supposed to get out of my house at 6:30 a.m. and wait in the lines.  I gave up and slept until about 7:35 a.m.  Why?  Because I remembered that even though I may not like who would be elected President on Tuesday, I knew and trusted the One who made the one who is going to be taking office next year.

My sense of dread did not stop as I drifted into my office 5 minutes late (voters were crossing the main intersection causing mass chaos) and got to my desk.  I was trying to figure out how to calm my nerves and normally music does it for me.  But then I realized that it shouldn’t just be any music.  I had to worship God at my desk today.  I could feel that He wasn’t done putting this peace of His in me so that I could focus on the task at hand.  I realized that it had to be worship that I hadn’t heard in a while, worship songs that I remember that changed the way I felt about Him.

About a week and a half ago, a friend handed me a book called ‘Redeeming Love’.  The ‘fictional’ book is basically the re-telling of the book of Hosea.  Seriously, no names had been changed to save the innocent (let’s face it, none of us are innocent) and so one of the main characters was named Michael Hosea.  I am at the 1/2 way point of the book and am realizing how screwed up our hearts are and how our hearts sometimes refuse the pure nourishment of Christ; I mean, we don’t even recognize love when it pulls us out of gut-wrenching painful moments to bring us into healing.  This remembrance came during work, and I was remembering the character of Michael Hosea and his unfailing love for this woman that just kept treating him like crap.  She wanted to care, but she didn’t even care enough to remember to care.  (Does that even make sense!?)  Anyways, when I thought of this enduring love that Michael Hosea had for Angel/Sarah/Amanda (whatever her name is!), I just feel head over heels in love with my Savior once again.  Yes, my fickle little heart remembered how many times He had saved me; that He was so deserving of worship and how I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT TO BE WITH HIM AT ANY MOMENT OF ANY DAY; HE IS JUST TOO GOOD FOR ME.  I deserve the pain, the suffering, the agony…but for some reason, God said ‘don’t touch her, she’s mine, and I love her.  She is worth everything I own and everything I am….I would die for her.’

So now, after typing all this out, I once again realize (and I can’t make a good enough point to you) that He is the reason you’re reading this; you were meant to.  I just wanted to express my heart, but He had a purpose for you reading it and you feeling what you feel right at this second.  I feel unworthy and confused….but I accept His love with my whole heart; and I will worship Him without shame because He took my shame from me and made it into something beautiful.  He took the shame I identified with and transformed it into a boldness to share with you that God is not mocked and He is not fooled.  He can see right through you and bring you to your knees because He knows your heart; He knows your secrets…and He still loves you.

How to: Delete Feelings

(1)     Determine your EXACT feelings for the individual. This step could take time and may have to be repeated….constantly.

(2)     Remove all memorabilia from your computer’s inbox files, keepsake box, and mental notes that you said you would hold onto until death…no, seriously!

(3)     Create a new mental note NOT to bring the person up in conversation!
         a.  Did the individual pop up thru someone else’s suggestion?  Refer back to number (1), then proceed to number (4)

(4)     Remember the true keeper of the heart and all the feelings He has for you — now remember that He would never harm you or give you a “creeper” to spend the rest of your life with.

 

(5)     Spend more time with friends and family to build up your relationships with the people closest to you and in turn, you are slowly but surely going through the deletion process.
         a.  Don’t like some of your friends and family right now because of recent events?  Refer to number (7)

(6)     Don’t spend more time with that person than you already have to.
         a.  Have an issue with that?  Ok, then stop reading and go back to pining or refer back to number (5)

(7)     Spend some serious time in prayer to God about everything you are going through and about where He wants your thought life.  Perhaps your energy and imagination should best be spent on other Kingdom-building tasks???

(8)     Remember that your fantasy/thought life has the power to take over the reality you should be living in!  Try not to drift into your daydreams; your life is literally passing you by!

(9)     Not to be vain…but, think about your feelings about yourself.  How do you feel, first, before getting into a relationship?
         a.  Not sure about how you feel about yourself?  Read Psalm 45:10-15; Psalm 139:15-18; then refer back to number (7)

(10)    Remember that ultimately, no one on this earth is good enough to make you go through the agony and despair of living life in confusion and self-loathing.  You were not created to always wonder about something you should have done differenly to gain the attentions and affections of someone else who wasn’t meant for you in the first place.

Next Time:     “How To”:  Remove Bedroom Clutter.

“All You Really Have Here Now….Is Me” – God.

I kept wondering for a bit why that ‘Sons and Daughters’ now ‘Watermark’ song kept coming into my head.  As I was going through things today, I realized that I had left God out of my decisions to do a few things today.  As I looked at that beautiful sunset this evening, I realized that I was hopeless, helpless, faltering, and flat out wrong without Him.  So — as I cozy up to my favorite pillows in bed tonight, approaching His throne and laying my head on His huge chest and crying myself to sleep (but in a good way), I remember and share this song….

          Well it’s bitter cold December and the leaves have fallen true
          And I do believe I’m still in love with You
          Yeah my scenery keeps changin’ and sometimes it’s hard to view
          but You let me see so much since I’ve known You
          So I headed to what seemed like nowhere
          But You told me You’d come
          You told me You’d meet me here
          And You were here to say:

         Welcome to Delaware, I know you’ve traveled far
         And it’s a lot colder here than you’re used to
         And I know, that in the winter time things aren’t what they used to be
         So all you really have here now is Me!

          So I settled here and that is that 
          For You to show me who I am
          You had to take me to a place I’d never been
          And all the things I dreaded most, about the things unseen
          Have now become the sweetest part of me

         Though I headed to what seemed like nowhere
          I knew You would come, I knew You would meet me here
          And You were here to say…

          Welcome to Delaware, I know you’ve traveled far
          And it’s a lot colder here than what you’re used to
          And I know, that in the winter time, things aren’t what they used to be
          So all you really have here now, is Me!

Transformations

Over the past few months, I have gone through some pretty difficult times emotionally.  Granted, there are some other friends in my life that would argue their struggles have a little bit more meat to them, I still consider mine to be difficult for me.

When you know someone for a long time and you are friends, it’s really easy to let those friendships take on a new persona, perhaps a deeper relationship.  When two friends seem to have contact on and off for more than a decade, you being to wonder if it’s just a friendship.  Then…something snaps you back into THIS world and go about your way; because, folks, everyone knows that daydreaming is the devil!

When someone that you never considered liking starts to pay certain amounts of attention to you, you begin to respond to them in kind.  Sometimes you even conjure up a desire in some way for that person, a semi-genuine liking to their attentions.  But is there affection in their attentions?

The past two paragraphs deal with two very real people and two very real dilemmas that I faced in my own life recently.  I basically decided to throw both of these people off the cliff.  (Don’t know what I am talking about?  Ask me later about the game ‘Make Out, Marry, or Throw Off A Cliff’).

These two relationships have not been easy to deal with.  One relationship I hope will always remain a good friendship with a base of encouragement…because everyone needs encouragement in their lives.  The other relationship, I am beginning to question the validity of our friendship.  Perhaps we are just acquaintances; are we even that?  I experienced a sense of betrayal from that relationship, a false sense of friendship and closeness.  I feel like this person used me to get to someone else and let their emotions and physical feelings take the helm over what the spirit of God was telling them.  Because of this, my relationship became strained, I no longer trusted this person, and I began to doubt this person’s faith and integrity.

What should I do?  I’ll tell you what I SHOULDN’T have done; mainly because I did it.  I should not have let my feelings of inadequacy from my younger years lead my actions a few weeks ago.  Because I let my hurt/betrayed feelings take over for one evening, the progress that I had made in other relationships failed and lost ground.  I cannot express my guilt fully for what I did, and I still have not asked for forgiveness from that person that I actually need to apologize to, however, I feel that time is coming because I cannot hold this guilt inside anymore.  Oh, and don’t worry — it’s wasn’t that bad, it was just bad enough for me to do a 180 and realize I need to change.

Could I be anymore vague!?  I could try, but then you really would stop reading.  I guess I would have to summarize this blog up by saying that in the end, your heart is one of the most faulty pieces of equipment in the body.  No wonder we keep asking God to safeguard it! We as a sinful people sit there and let people play around with it, we don’t know how to manage the heart like God can.  It’s just that everyone once in a while, I forget that this soul, this heart beating in my chest is a gift and should be shared in accordance with what He has willed because I gave Him my heart long ago.

So Like…Now What!?

Quick Blog, because my dearest Adrianne requested it…but then, I figured, yeah, I totally need to.  We will be as vague as possible because things are complicated, but, like….now what!?

So — I have a friend.  We are friends, and it’s great, but things are moving forward and things are beginning to change.  How do I deal with that!?  I mean, I keep going back to Proverbs 4:23 — Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.  OK, so like…now what!? 

I don’t know, I guess I have been so quick to get excited over little things, that now when big things happen, I become so guarded and uncertain…I don’t know what to do!  We’ll see what happens by the end of the summer….
ONE LOVE.