Liberated?? Right?

This feeling of liberation is giving way to desparation.  (Work with me, we’re going backwards in time).

I feel like whatever I say on this blog can sometimes fall upon deaf ears because the person that I intend this note for will never actually set their eyes upon it.

I was recently confronted, frustrated, and “freed” of a belief I held very closely to my heart.  The belief that when you first set your eyes upon that certain person…you know that’s the person you will spend the rest of your life with.  I believed in that magic, that unexplained moment when you know that God actually had it in mind for you to fall in love with someone.  I was so frightened and shocked when someone said otherwise to me one night.  I felt cheated.  (Work with me, we’re still going backward in time).

Last weekend, I had a free Sunday night and I invited my friend out to a friend’s house to hang out.  While we were en route, we started talking about dating in general.  Let’s just say that because of a past pain, my friend has taken a different outlook on dating.  He believes in keeping it casual, keeping his options open, simply seeing what he has in common with the person before becoming exclusive.  Sounded alright, right?  But why did I not have peace about it somehow.  I guess I had questions of my own with regards to the casual dating thing.  Like, what if say, my friend, asked a girl out, but she felt 10x what he felt for her, how would that work out if he felt like they didn’t click after they went out.  How would that girl feel?  What if casual dating proved to be the undoing of him?  What if he felt like he was becoming too picky, or not picky enough.  Whenever I mention casual dating, my friends think of that ‘Gilmore Girls’ episode when Rory and Logan decide that they are going to try an open relationship and they end up going out on casual dates apart from each other.  I think by the close of the episode, Logan cannot stand that Rory is going out on a ‘date’ with another guy, and Rory has to come clean and say that she is a girlfriend, an exclusive one, and dating other people casually is not good enough for her. 

While I believe that my friend would like to be in a meaningful relationship, I think that he is approaching things the wrong way.  Not to air too much bad laundry (in the chance he actually reads this), his past relationship did not have the greatest ending.  We all like to protect our hearts, especially after that first occasion when it has been broken, or mis-used.  While I appreciate his efforts to do something he feels will be effective, I believe in exclusivity.  I believe in getting to know people in group environments, how they react and respond to each other in groups.  I believe in getting to know people through disgusting, horrible, and difficult times.  I believe in then deciding on the relationship.  I simply cannot imagine asking someone, then asking someone, then asking someone, then asking someone out again.  That’s pain.  And I believe it’s pain living on through past pain, searching for something that you may never find. 

I can only imagine people not agreeing with this particular blog.  I don’t care.  It’s my blog, more importantly, it’s how I feel about my love life.  I don’t mean to throw it back in people’s faces, however, you decided to read this one today, and it’s how I feel, no one else.  But I believe we sometimes hide from our pain.  All of us are damaged goods and all of us decide to do things that we believe will help us heal and help us move on.  I cannot fault my friend for this attempt.  I love my friend very much and want him to be happy.   There were many wonderful and true things that he said that I must comment on to make this blog more true to his opinion.  He doesn’t just ask a girl out with no background; he wants to make sure that each girl he asks out understand his stance in the dating situation, he wants them to guard their hearts as much as he is guarding his.  Also, he believes that something like this takes practice; he simply wants to interact with people, become more people smart.  Who wouldn’t want that!?  I would, but all I am saying is…as a girl, I couldn’t approach this delicate matter in his fashion.

So….the liberated part?  My friends in the past and present, they are honest with me and I love that about my friends.  My friends have been there for some really difficult, painful, (forgive my language) and shitty times in my life…and I am sure there will be more.  But this friend, he was open, appreciative, flattered, and above all understanding about something that is really tender in my life, and I appreciated him for it.  I had a meaningful conversation about a delicate issue with someone of the opposite sex and we were both fine!  Granted, the next time we saw each other, it was slightly awkward, but we still talk and we are still friends.  I was actually happy that we talked about it.  (Work with me…that’s right, there’s one more thing I should back up to).

In a previous blog, I mentioned that I had written a song about a boy that I had a crush on.  That’s right, it was my friend (mentioned above).  Well, that same night of our conversation, I told him the song was about him.  He was flattered and he was thankful that I told him.  This is yet another reason why I am so happy, he was so very mature about it that we were able to continue our friendship….with a better working knowledge about our relationship and friendship.  It was nice. 

Well…I feel like this is my diary now.  But either way, I am happy.