“All You Really Have Here Now….Is Me” – God.

I kept wondering for a bit why that ‘Sons and Daughters’ now ‘Watermark’ song kept coming into my head.  As I was going through things today, I realized that I had left God out of my decisions to do a few things today.  As I looked at that beautiful sunset this evening, I realized that I was hopeless, helpless, faltering, and flat out wrong without Him.  So — as I cozy up to my favorite pillows in bed tonight, approaching His throne and laying my head on His huge chest and crying myself to sleep (but in a good way), I remember and share this song….

          Well it’s bitter cold December and the leaves have fallen true
          And I do believe I’m still in love with You
          Yeah my scenery keeps changin’ and sometimes it’s hard to view
          but You let me see so much since I’ve known You
          So I headed to what seemed like nowhere
          But You told me You’d come
          You told me You’d meet me here
          And You were here to say:

         Welcome to Delaware, I know you’ve traveled far
         And it’s a lot colder here than you’re used to
         And I know, that in the winter time things aren’t what they used to be
         So all you really have here now is Me!

          So I settled here and that is that 
          For You to show me who I am
          You had to take me to a place I’d never been
          And all the things I dreaded most, about the things unseen
          Have now become the sweetest part of me

         Though I headed to what seemed like nowhere
          I knew You would come, I knew You would meet me here
          And You were here to say…

          Welcome to Delaware, I know you’ve traveled far
          And it’s a lot colder here than what you’re used to
          And I know, that in the winter time, things aren’t what they used to be
          So all you really have here now, is Me!

Transformations

Over the past few months, I have gone through some pretty difficult times emotionally.  Granted, there are some other friends in my life that would argue their struggles have a little bit more meat to them, I still consider mine to be difficult for me.

When you know someone for a long time and you are friends, it’s really easy to let those friendships take on a new persona, perhaps a deeper relationship.  When two friends seem to have contact on and off for more than a decade, you being to wonder if it’s just a friendship.  Then…something snaps you back into THIS world and go about your way; because, folks, everyone knows that daydreaming is the devil!

When someone that you never considered liking starts to pay certain amounts of attention to you, you begin to respond to them in kind.  Sometimes you even conjure up a desire in some way for that person, a semi-genuine liking to their attentions.  But is there affection in their attentions?

The past two paragraphs deal with two very real people and two very real dilemmas that I faced in my own life recently.  I basically decided to throw both of these people off the cliff.  (Don’t know what I am talking about?  Ask me later about the game ‘Make Out, Marry, or Throw Off A Cliff’).

These two relationships have not been easy to deal with.  One relationship I hope will always remain a good friendship with a base of encouragement…because everyone needs encouragement in their lives.  The other relationship, I am beginning to question the validity of our friendship.  Perhaps we are just acquaintances; are we even that?  I experienced a sense of betrayal from that relationship, a false sense of friendship and closeness.  I feel like this person used me to get to someone else and let their emotions and physical feelings take the helm over what the spirit of God was telling them.  Because of this, my relationship became strained, I no longer trusted this person, and I began to doubt this person’s faith and integrity.

What should I do?  I’ll tell you what I SHOULDN’T have done; mainly because I did it.  I should not have let my feelings of inadequacy from my younger years lead my actions a few weeks ago.  Because I let my hurt/betrayed feelings take over for one evening, the progress that I had made in other relationships failed and lost ground.  I cannot express my guilt fully for what I did, and I still have not asked for forgiveness from that person that I actually need to apologize to, however, I feel that time is coming because I cannot hold this guilt inside anymore.  Oh, and don’t worry — it’s wasn’t that bad, it was just bad enough for me to do a 180 and realize I need to change.

Could I be anymore vague!?  I could try, but then you really would stop reading.  I guess I would have to summarize this blog up by saying that in the end, your heart is one of the most faulty pieces of equipment in the body.  No wonder we keep asking God to safeguard it! We as a sinful people sit there and let people play around with it, we don’t know how to manage the heart like God can.  It’s just that everyone once in a while, I forget that this soul, this heart beating in my chest is a gift and should be shared in accordance with what He has willed because I gave Him my heart long ago.