Transformations

Over the past few months, I have gone through some pretty difficult times emotionally.  Granted, there are some other friends in my life that would argue their struggles have a little bit more meat to them, I still consider mine to be difficult for me.

When you know someone for a long time and you are friends, it’s really easy to let those friendships take on a new persona, perhaps a deeper relationship.  When two friends seem to have contact on and off for more than a decade, you being to wonder if it’s just a friendship.  Then…something snaps you back into THIS world and go about your way; because, folks, everyone knows that daydreaming is the devil!

When someone that you never considered liking starts to pay certain amounts of attention to you, you begin to respond to them in kind.  Sometimes you even conjure up a desire in some way for that person, a semi-genuine liking to their attentions.  But is there affection in their attentions?

The past two paragraphs deal with two very real people and two very real dilemmas that I faced in my own life recently.  I basically decided to throw both of these people off the cliff.  (Don’t know what I am talking about?  Ask me later about the game ‘Make Out, Marry, or Throw Off A Cliff’).

These two relationships have not been easy to deal with.  One relationship I hope will always remain a good friendship with a base of encouragement…because everyone needs encouragement in their lives.  The other relationship, I am beginning to question the validity of our friendship.  Perhaps we are just acquaintances; are we even that?  I experienced a sense of betrayal from that relationship, a false sense of friendship and closeness.  I feel like this person used me to get to someone else and let their emotions and physical feelings take the helm over what the spirit of God was telling them.  Because of this, my relationship became strained, I no longer trusted this person, and I began to doubt this person’s faith and integrity.

What should I do?  I’ll tell you what I SHOULDN’T have done; mainly because I did it.  I should not have let my feelings of inadequacy from my younger years lead my actions a few weeks ago.  Because I let my hurt/betrayed feelings take over for one evening, the progress that I had made in other relationships failed and lost ground.  I cannot express my guilt fully for what I did, and I still have not asked for forgiveness from that person that I actually need to apologize to, however, I feel that time is coming because I cannot hold this guilt inside anymore.  Oh, and don’t worry — it’s wasn’t that bad, it was just bad enough for me to do a 180 and realize I need to change.

Could I be anymore vague!?  I could try, but then you really would stop reading.  I guess I would have to summarize this blog up by saying that in the end, your heart is one of the most faulty pieces of equipment in the body.  No wonder we keep asking God to safeguard it! We as a sinful people sit there and let people play around with it, we don’t know how to manage the heart like God can.  It’s just that everyone once in a while, I forget that this soul, this heart beating in my chest is a gift and should be shared in accordance with what He has willed because I gave Him my heart long ago.