If You Think God Can’t, What Makes You Think A Man Can?!

While it has been an incredibly long time since I actually blogged here, I have had many topics come to mind. Since the summer has pretty much come and gone, I have been through some significant realizations in my life that will inevitably affect the future path I go down. I believe the biggest one would have concerns the looking towards my future united to someone that I love; a husband, my other half, my partner, my second love. I was so determined to never give up searching for him, that I forgot to prepare myself for what he would find and be looking for. Does that make any sense? Even if it doesn’t, it does to me, it’s my blog…so there.

Of all of the things that I was holding onto, this was the one that gave me the best sense of false security. Exactly. False security, a way of controlling the future by holding onto it in our minds…that’s so stupid (insert Boo’s laughter here). Every new guy that came into my life, I would wonder if they were the one (I believe I have mentioned this in a previous blog, even). I could never find peace about where I was in life because I was measuring everything against how much other people had; so totally going against the things your parents tell you, that God tells you, that you are a unique creation and there is no one like you, there will never be any else like you. So…why am I trying so hard to be categorized like someone else?? To fall into the trap of someone else’s life….ewww.

So — the two first paragraphs were just to lay down the foundation. Over the summer, one of my closest friends and I decided to read a book called ‘Every Woman’s Battle’ (EWB). This book literally changed my life last summer as I read it for the first time and got rid of a few addictions and unhealthy behaviors that I was so happy to be freed from; it has been an amazing time of gratefulness to the Lord since then. I cannot say that I was completely cured and healed of some behaviors, however, that has not stopped the Lord from consistently standing in the way of the wrong path in order to guide me down the correct one. Accountability has helped! But let’s bring it back to the book. EWB has a workbook for single women. I have been working with that one while my friend (who is married) worked with the other. There are different questions every once in a while. One question was along the lines of this: “Do You Believe that God craves and desires a romantic relationship with you, or do you believe this kind of romantic relationship is only possible with a man?”

I thought that my answer would be reasonably simple, and I was just trying to get through the questions to exchange my book with my friend so that we could have a discussion. I found myself quite frustrated when my answer came out “wrong”. I kept thinking that the Lord just doesn’t feel that way about me; that He can’t possibly find me beautiful in that way. I mean, He can’t, right? Wait, who is to say that God can’t do something? Wait, so that must mean that He can and does feel that way about me? Weird. I mean how in the world could a human man feel that about me if God (in my mind) couldn’t? That’s just not possible. He put that desire and nature into a man!

God’s love for us is and can be manifested into the way a marriage is set up; yup, right down to the physical aspect. The attraction, the desire, all of it. So, I just start thinking, ack?! What in the world have I been taught over so many years that I only see God as this friendly friend, Father figure, Protector? In addition to this, He is my Lover, My Partner, My First Love. Now, I understand that some may be nodding in agreement and maybe a few people are like “duh” to my realizations, however, I just realized I don’t think the Lord finds me beautiful in that way….but uh, He does; it’s just going to take a little time for me to process that. And because I have taken the time to type all this out, ladies, I hope that you would take the time to realize that God feels the same way about you, too.

Oh How Blind I Am…But Then He Does Something Incredible…

This will probably be the most revealing blog yet, because it’s late and I am no longer erring on the side of caution.

So — I have this issue where my heart becomes the strongest (weakest) part of my body.  It goes against common sense, it refuses help, and it always thinks it will outwit and outlive its creator.   That being said, I dare to mention that once again, even against the Holy Spirit’s best judgment, my heart decided that it was going to go forth yet again and invest itself in someone that it knew was not meant for it.

He was/is the kindest and best of men.  Someone who thinks the best things of family and is generous with his money, his time, and above all, himself.  There was/is never a moment where I was not attended to, not thought of while I was in his presence, and…well, he spoke my language, my love language; if music is a love language.  I think it is.

When one thinks about it, what is so wrong about this particular situation??  He seems very attentive to me and I seem to be aware of his presence.  What is stopping me?  Hmmm, I guess I would be that little pesky thing called defining exactly what type of relationship that you have.  But of course, I stop myself and wonder, I mean really wonder, ‘does he feel that way about me’??  Well, as of Sunday, I know the truth.  NO.

So, where does this leave me??  Realizing that once again, I have jumped to conclusions that this silly heart wanted to skip, run, and slide into.  Truthfully, I knew that I wasn’t supposed to feel this way about him; mainly because if he had felt that way, he would have acted on it earlier; he would have defined it as such, however, he didn’t.  That should have been my hint to stop dwelling on what is not for me.  But my stupid mis-directed heart, it wants what it can’t necessarily have.  It’s strange.  I think my heart is blind, feeling along the way just looking for something to latch onto, but we have to learn to take hold of it and place it in His care so that He can help it decipher what it is feeling.

God did something incredible for me though.  He rescued me before I fell too hard.  He knew that my heart would drag down the wrong path and He answered my heart’s unconscious prayer oh so quickly.  When I found out that this was the wrong path yet again, He gracefully and lovingly grabbed my hand and pulled me toward Him.  I have to say, the warmth of His beating heart is incredibly amazing; and the beat is so steady and sure.  God’s heart, make no mistake, truly is the most incredibly passionate, wild, steady, unwavering, untameable, and most careful force I could ever imagine.  And just think, it’s passionate and longing for me.  Who needs anyone else?  Ah — I’ll leave that for another blog. 

Faithful – Brooke Fraser

This Is Currently Summarizing Me.

FAITHFUL

There’s distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
I wave my arms round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know You’re always here
But the comfort of you near is what I long for….

When I can’t feel You, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can’t hear You, I know You still hear every word I pray
And I want You more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for You maybe I’m made more Faithful.

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
I still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So I whisper soft Your name, let it roll around my tongue,
knowing You’re the only one who knows me
You know me….

When I can’t feel You, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can’t hear You, I know You still hear every word I pray
And I want You more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for You maybe I’m made more…

Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

When I can’t feel You, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can’t hear You, I know You still hear every word I pray
And I want You more than I want to live another day
And as I wait for You maybe I’m made more
And as I wait for You, I am made more
Faithful.

He Knows Me.

…And That’s When The Fight Broke Out……

An Open Letter:

It happened again. I used to think I liked to suffer, until I suffered just a little bit too long and too hard. It ended up being an outburst to an unsurprised party. He just kept shaking His head just so that I knew He wasn’t being mean, He was just understanding. He wanted to make me see that it was all in my mind…why I was suffering so. My mind ran rampant wondering why He had let me see so many other undeserving people (LIKE MYSELF) find relationships, find other people that found them interesting in that way, and yet, I was suffering by being alone; I felt like He was letting me suffer. I continue to struggle with not understanding; I continue to struggle with being so selfish. My goodness, my selfishness, my self-righteousness took a front seat and I refuse to let go of it.

I had never really been upset and angry with Him before, but right now, just plain livid. Why does my mind always seem to want and desire something that is never coming to fruition!? Why is it that I always think I am so close, when yet I am so very far away? Then, I begin to think to myself, it’s time to move away, I need to rid myself of all the people I have become to familiar with and start a new life for myself with new friends and a new prospect pool; surely that will increase my odds of being happy with a mate, right? Since there are no guarantees, I continue to remain here, wondering where this person could be….if they even exist for me at all.

Yes, everytime someone new comes around, I will think they are the one and I become overly excited with they aren’t attached. I wonder then why nothing happens. Perhaps it is the strange way that I view myself. I find myself most times to be pretty enough, but maybe others don’t feel that way. Not necessarily getting too down on myself, (don’t send me frakking messages!) I just wonder how other people view me…truly.

So, dear reader, in closing, I don’t like to suffer, however, I suffer because my mind plays evil little deceitful tricks. It gives the wrong messages to my heart leaving me wondering why nothing ever clicks for me. I see other people starting relationships and I wonder when my turn will be. But whatever, I just choose to give up right now. I choose to be upset and peeved when I feel like it and not necessarily just wait…just not care.

An Emotional Outburst — A Praise and Blessing of Worship.

As I awakened Tuesday morning, my heart was full of dread.  I remembered that it was election day and that I was supposed to get out of my house at 6:30 a.m. and wait in the lines.  I gave up and slept until about 7:35 a.m.  Why?  Because I remembered that even though I may not like who would be elected President on Tuesday, I knew and trusted the One who made the one who is going to be taking office next year.

My sense of dread did not stop as I drifted into my office 5 minutes late (voters were crossing the main intersection causing mass chaos) and got to my desk.  I was trying to figure out how to calm my nerves and normally music does it for me.  But then I realized that it shouldn’t just be any music.  I had to worship God at my desk today.  I could feel that He wasn’t done putting this peace of His in me so that I could focus on the task at hand.  I realized that it had to be worship that I hadn’t heard in a while, worship songs that I remember that changed the way I felt about Him.

About a week and a half ago, a friend handed me a book called ‘Redeeming Love’.  The ‘fictional’ book is basically the re-telling of the book of Hosea.  Seriously, no names had been changed to save the innocent (let’s face it, none of us are innocent) and so one of the main characters was named Michael Hosea.  I am at the 1/2 way point of the book and am realizing how screwed up our hearts are and how our hearts sometimes refuse the pure nourishment of Christ; I mean, we don’t even recognize love when it pulls us out of gut-wrenching painful moments to bring us into healing.  This remembrance came during work, and I was remembering the character of Michael Hosea and his unfailing love for this woman that just kept treating him like crap.  She wanted to care, but she didn’t even care enough to remember to care.  (Does that even make sense!?)  Anyways, when I thought of this enduring love that Michael Hosea had for Angel/Sarah/Amanda (whatever her name is!), I just feel head over heels in love with my Savior once again.  Yes, my fickle little heart remembered how many times He had saved me; that He was so deserving of worship and how I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT TO BE WITH HIM AT ANY MOMENT OF ANY DAY; HE IS JUST TOO GOOD FOR ME.  I deserve the pain, the suffering, the agony…but for some reason, God said ‘don’t touch her, she’s mine, and I love her.  She is worth everything I own and everything I am….I would die for her.’

So now, after typing all this out, I once again realize (and I can’t make a good enough point to you) that He is the reason you’re reading this; you were meant to.  I just wanted to express my heart, but He had a purpose for you reading it and you feeling what you feel right at this second.  I feel unworthy and confused….but I accept His love with my whole heart; and I will worship Him without shame because He took my shame from me and made it into something beautiful.  He took the shame I identified with and transformed it into a boldness to share with you that God is not mocked and He is not fooled.  He can see right through you and bring you to your knees because He knows your heart; He knows your secrets…and He still loves you.

“All You Really Have Here Now….Is Me” – God.

I kept wondering for a bit why that ‘Sons and Daughters’ now ‘Watermark’ song kept coming into my head.  As I was going through things today, I realized that I had left God out of my decisions to do a few things today.  As I looked at that beautiful sunset this evening, I realized that I was hopeless, helpless, faltering, and flat out wrong without Him.  So — as I cozy up to my favorite pillows in bed tonight, approaching His throne and laying my head on His huge chest and crying myself to sleep (but in a good way), I remember and share this song….

          Well it’s bitter cold December and the leaves have fallen true
          And I do believe I’m still in love with You
          Yeah my scenery keeps changin’ and sometimes it’s hard to view
          but You let me see so much since I’ve known You
          So I headed to what seemed like nowhere
          But You told me You’d come
          You told me You’d meet me here
          And You were here to say:

         Welcome to Delaware, I know you’ve traveled far
         And it’s a lot colder here than you’re used to
         And I know, that in the winter time things aren’t what they used to be
         So all you really have here now is Me!

          So I settled here and that is that 
          For You to show me who I am
          You had to take me to a place I’d never been
          And all the things I dreaded most, about the things unseen
          Have now become the sweetest part of me

         Though I headed to what seemed like nowhere
          I knew You would come, I knew You would meet me here
          And You were here to say…

          Welcome to Delaware, I know you’ve traveled far
          And it’s a lot colder here than what you’re used to
          And I know, that in the winter time, things aren’t what they used to be
          So all you really have here now, is Me!

Transformations

Over the past few months, I have gone through some pretty difficult times emotionally.  Granted, there are some other friends in my life that would argue their struggles have a little bit more meat to them, I still consider mine to be difficult for me.

When you know someone for a long time and you are friends, it’s really easy to let those friendships take on a new persona, perhaps a deeper relationship.  When two friends seem to have contact on and off for more than a decade, you being to wonder if it’s just a friendship.  Then…something snaps you back into THIS world and go about your way; because, folks, everyone knows that daydreaming is the devil!

When someone that you never considered liking starts to pay certain amounts of attention to you, you begin to respond to them in kind.  Sometimes you even conjure up a desire in some way for that person, a semi-genuine liking to their attentions.  But is there affection in their attentions?

The past two paragraphs deal with two very real people and two very real dilemmas that I faced in my own life recently.  I basically decided to throw both of these people off the cliff.  (Don’t know what I am talking about?  Ask me later about the game ‘Make Out, Marry, or Throw Off A Cliff’).

These two relationships have not been easy to deal with.  One relationship I hope will always remain a good friendship with a base of encouragement…because everyone needs encouragement in their lives.  The other relationship, I am beginning to question the validity of our friendship.  Perhaps we are just acquaintances; are we even that?  I experienced a sense of betrayal from that relationship, a false sense of friendship and closeness.  I feel like this person used me to get to someone else and let their emotions and physical feelings take the helm over what the spirit of God was telling them.  Because of this, my relationship became strained, I no longer trusted this person, and I began to doubt this person’s faith and integrity.

What should I do?  I’ll tell you what I SHOULDN’T have done; mainly because I did it.  I should not have let my feelings of inadequacy from my younger years lead my actions a few weeks ago.  Because I let my hurt/betrayed feelings take over for one evening, the progress that I had made in other relationships failed and lost ground.  I cannot express my guilt fully for what I did, and I still have not asked for forgiveness from that person that I actually need to apologize to, however, I feel that time is coming because I cannot hold this guilt inside anymore.  Oh, and don’t worry — it’s wasn’t that bad, it was just bad enough for me to do a 180 and realize I need to change.

Could I be anymore vague!?  I could try, but then you really would stop reading.  I guess I would have to summarize this blog up by saying that in the end, your heart is one of the most faulty pieces of equipment in the body.  No wonder we keep asking God to safeguard it! We as a sinful people sit there and let people play around with it, we don’t know how to manage the heart like God can.  It’s just that everyone once in a while, I forget that this soul, this heart beating in my chest is a gift and should be shared in accordance with what He has willed because I gave Him my heart long ago.

What I Miss Most…

• The smell of summer and freedom
• The feeling of a friend’s warm arm against your own during a car ride
• The summer nights that went on forever
• My great grandmother’s bed and all the memories of my teenage years spent on it writing music, shedding tears, and laughing out loud
• Lisa and her great big hugs, her laughter, her awesome dance moves, and her loving heart
• The Muskegon weekend when most of the crew had sunburns; refrigerated aloe is all you need…
• My first kiss on the cheek from a boy
• My first love letter
• The way Radiohead’s song ‘Karma Police’ made me feel like I could fly inside my car
• Being able to pack for summer camp knowing that 1/2 of the clothes would never be used
• College Fall Retreats at Bambi where I felt like the stuff because I was on the Worship Team
• The letters from my Marine (wherever you are, I hope I never get to meet you)
• Orchestra trips in high school where you can get away with just about anything…because you were invincible
• Summers at the Esch Farm where the Prom preparation was a way of life
• When driving to the store for my Mom and Dad was fun
• When watching PG-13 movies made you feel like an adult
• Giggling because you knew something at camp about a boy that someone else didn’t
• Centrifuge Summer Camp where everyone I knew got a hug from me and at least 10 people had a summer love
• Driving and imagining my favorite actor was in the car beside me…what to say, where were we going?
• Being 21 and stupid
• Being 18 and stupid
• Being 16 and stupid
• My uncle Morgan and his passion for counseling men convicted of Domestic Violence
• My cat, Chase Manhattan
• My grandfather Sidney – the boxer ‘Kid Chocolate’
• Not having to worry about paying out $700 every month in bills
• My beautiful blooming tree in the backyard of my old house
• My brother living in the State of Michigan
• My ability to be happy without having to think really hard about what to be happy about
• Waterdeep, Watermark, and Five Iron Frenzy…
• My friends that have boyfriends, fiancee’s, and husbands — change can really stink sometimes…but it’s all good
• My friends that have ex-boyfriends, ex-fiancee’s, and ex-husbands — change can really really stink sometimes, but God is good

 

Most of all — I miss you and the way we used to talk; can we ever have that again.  I miss the way we were.

Better To Have Loved and Lost?

My work week started out like any other, I mistakenly thought that someone was upset with me and I avoided them, and I had way too much work to do at the office.  Because I thought my friend was upset with me, I decided not to darken his door with my presence, and spent my evening at home.  I ate dinner with my parents, washed clothes, watched a British TV show on my computer, and even wrote a new song.  It was lovely to be home in my room, in the quiet.  Tuesday was a little bit better, kickboxing and then cancelling worship practice due to weather.  Wednesday, I didn’t see coming.

On Wednesday morning, I checked my facebook account to see that a message was sent letting me know that a friend had committed suicide.  I guess my reaction was not my normal reaction.  I was in shock, I was not hysterical, though.  Normally when someone tells me someone close to me has passed on, I laugh uncontrollably because I am hysterical.  I sat at my desk and I thought very deeply about what had happened.  I guess I was confused of the reason why he took his own life. 

When I first met Blake, I was on facebook.  He had randomly friended me because I was friends with one of his close friends.  After that, he would send me notes and little gifts and ask me how my weekend was going, however, he never really opened up about himself.  I guess I never noticed that.  Every once in a while, I felt like something wasn’t right, but then he would show up again and ask me how I was and what was up.  Blake ended up having to move out of town for work and things seemed to begin to fall apart for him.  He was on prescription drugs and things weren’t quite clicking for him.  He began to treat certain people as if they weren’t trying hard enough to support and love him.  All the while, I thought things were fine, and I was wondering how he was doing and why I hadn’t heard from him.

On Valentine’s Day, I sent him a gift and thanked him for all his kind words.  The next time I checked his facebook account, he had closed everything off.  I couldn’t see much and I figured it was something that I had done wrong, so I removed him from my friends.   I seriously try not to blame myself, however, he was already in a vulnerable state and I feel as if I helped to push him over.

With every hour since I have heard of Blake’s death, I keep thinking about what we were.  We were friends, and yet I keep hearing things like “he really liked you…”, a friend told me that on Wednesday.  What does that mean?  I wanted to know him more.  What does that mean?  I keep beating myself up like…if he really liked me, why didn’t he tell me, or wasn’t I enough?!  I know these things of which I speak are so not what I should be thinking of, but they keep repeating for me in my mind.

What I do know, is ultimately, it was his decision to do what he did.  As much as I am in pain about losing him, I cannot blame myself.  I get this feeling as if I have been left on a cliffhanger.  What would we have become if he had just opened up to me?  What would happen, if I could just have truly been his close friend?  Why didn’t I feel something when it happened that night?  Why couldn’t I have called him or something?? I really don’t know.

Liberated?? Right?

This feeling of liberation is giving way to desparation.  (Work with me, we’re going backwards in time).

I feel like whatever I say on this blog can sometimes fall upon deaf ears because the person that I intend this note for will never actually set their eyes upon it.

I was recently confronted, frustrated, and “freed” of a belief I held very closely to my heart.  The belief that when you first set your eyes upon that certain person…you know that’s the person you will spend the rest of your life with.  I believed in that magic, that unexplained moment when you know that God actually had it in mind for you to fall in love with someone.  I was so frightened and shocked when someone said otherwise to me one night.  I felt cheated.  (Work with me, we’re still going backward in time).

Last weekend, I had a free Sunday night and I invited my friend out to a friend’s house to hang out.  While we were en route, we started talking about dating in general.  Let’s just say that because of a past pain, my friend has taken a different outlook on dating.  He believes in keeping it casual, keeping his options open, simply seeing what he has in common with the person before becoming exclusive.  Sounded alright, right?  But why did I not have peace about it somehow.  I guess I had questions of my own with regards to the casual dating thing.  Like, what if say, my friend, asked a girl out, but she felt 10x what he felt for her, how would that work out if he felt like they didn’t click after they went out.  How would that girl feel?  What if casual dating proved to be the undoing of him?  What if he felt like he was becoming too picky, or not picky enough.  Whenever I mention casual dating, my friends think of that ‘Gilmore Girls’ episode when Rory and Logan decide that they are going to try an open relationship and they end up going out on casual dates apart from each other.  I think by the close of the episode, Logan cannot stand that Rory is going out on a ‘date’ with another guy, and Rory has to come clean and say that she is a girlfriend, an exclusive one, and dating other people casually is not good enough for her. 

While I believe that my friend would like to be in a meaningful relationship, I think that he is approaching things the wrong way.  Not to air too much bad laundry (in the chance he actually reads this), his past relationship did not have the greatest ending.  We all like to protect our hearts, especially after that first occasion when it has been broken, or mis-used.  While I appreciate his efforts to do something he feels will be effective, I believe in exclusivity.  I believe in getting to know people in group environments, how they react and respond to each other in groups.  I believe in getting to know people through disgusting, horrible, and difficult times.  I believe in then deciding on the relationship.  I simply cannot imagine asking someone, then asking someone, then asking someone, then asking someone out again.  That’s pain.  And I believe it’s pain living on through past pain, searching for something that you may never find. 

I can only imagine people not agreeing with this particular blog.  I don’t care.  It’s my blog, more importantly, it’s how I feel about my love life.  I don’t mean to throw it back in people’s faces, however, you decided to read this one today, and it’s how I feel, no one else.  But I believe we sometimes hide from our pain.  All of us are damaged goods and all of us decide to do things that we believe will help us heal and help us move on.  I cannot fault my friend for this attempt.  I love my friend very much and want him to be happy.   There were many wonderful and true things that he said that I must comment on to make this blog more true to his opinion.  He doesn’t just ask a girl out with no background; he wants to make sure that each girl he asks out understand his stance in the dating situation, he wants them to guard their hearts as much as he is guarding his.  Also, he believes that something like this takes practice; he simply wants to interact with people, become more people smart.  Who wouldn’t want that!?  I would, but all I am saying is…as a girl, I couldn’t approach this delicate matter in his fashion.

So….the liberated part?  My friends in the past and present, they are honest with me and I love that about my friends.  My friends have been there for some really difficult, painful, (forgive my language) and shitty times in my life…and I am sure there will be more.  But this friend, he was open, appreciative, flattered, and above all understanding about something that is really tender in my life, and I appreciated him for it.  I had a meaningful conversation about a delicate issue with someone of the opposite sex and we were both fine!  Granted, the next time we saw each other, it was slightly awkward, but we still talk and we are still friends.  I was actually happy that we talked about it.  (Work with me…that’s right, there’s one more thing I should back up to).

In a previous blog, I mentioned that I had written a song about a boy that I had a crush on.  That’s right, it was my friend (mentioned above).  Well, that same night of our conversation, I told him the song was about him.  He was flattered and he was thankful that I told him.  This is yet another reason why I am so happy, he was so very mature about it that we were able to continue our friendship….with a better working knowledge about our relationship and friendship.  It was nice. 

Well…I feel like this is my diary now.  But either way, I am happy.