VD – Don’t Infect Me

Valentine’s Day. I don’t know if I would want to put a happy in front of that. So, my best friend just called me on my cell, and I ignored the call; so she then proceeded to call the house phone. I had to answer that one. There is no reason why I have to be so grumpy today, but I still am. I really don’t want to hear anything about what day it is and the reminder that I am one of the many single masses. But yet, I am letting it hit me and it is really pissing me off today!!

A friend of mine who moved from Michigan to Florida was telling me that she was using this day to be reminded of how her love is for her Savior and that her Savior loves her. I applaud her for being able to look at it from this angle, however, I choose to furrow my brow and get to the verge of tears. When I tried to think about how the Savior loves me this morning, I got this skeptical look on my face. I couldn’t go to that place at that moment. And I am coming to the conclusion that this damn holiday is man-made; it’s a way to cater to those that take that time to devote to spending an ungodly amount of time wearing red, eating chocolate, going out to expensive dinners, and for some…to take the time to propose to their loves. Basically, I can’t reflect on the Savior’s love in a special way on this day, because it caters to physical love, physical meaning the relationship between two people in love without the spiritual Godly aspect of it.

Please forgive me. Please, please forgive me. I think because I just recently came to the conclusion that I am ready to date…not having a date on VD just seems to be pissing me off. But it’s for you to read and me to type.

(This blog may later be deleted – better read it while it’s hot!)

Thanks, I Had A Good Time.

An Open Letter:

Hey.  Just wanted to say that I had a really great time with you the other evening.  I realize now that there are some things that we should have talked about that we didn’t.  I have to apologize to you because I really think that I should have brought them up instead of shying away from them. 

I wanted to say that yes, while you’re a good man, however, you are not necessarily a good person.  Okay, perhaps the past sentence seemed extremely blunt and insensitive, however, none of us are good people.  We all have not been completely innocent in our lives, we all have tried very hard to be a good person, however, deep down, we really know that we all fall short.

I wanna talk to you more about this.  You seemed really open to it and I really want to share what I believe to be extremely important to our futures; even if they don’t involve us being together.  I want to be able to share what my heart feels whenever I see creation at its most unexplainable moments; I want to be able to share Christ with you.  His name and His fame have been dragged through so much mud for so long because we feeble minded have tried so hard to explain Him and who He is instead of directing people who need Him towards His Word.

I hope this letter hasn’t scared you.  If anything, I hope it opens up a way for us to talk about the hope that I have and how much I have come to care for you. I need to share it with you.  I hope that we have time to have another dinner together, another drink or two…or three and be honest about how messed up our lives really are.  No hiding, no sugar coating, and no tangents this time, friend.  I love you too much to let your eternal home be in darkness with no chance of light, and life with no chance of hope.

An Emotional Outburst — A Praise and Blessing of Worship.

As I awakened Tuesday morning, my heart was full of dread.  I remembered that it was election day and that I was supposed to get out of my house at 6:30 a.m. and wait in the lines.  I gave up and slept until about 7:35 a.m.  Why?  Because I remembered that even though I may not like who would be elected President on Tuesday, I knew and trusted the One who made the one who is going to be taking office next year.

My sense of dread did not stop as I drifted into my office 5 minutes late (voters were crossing the main intersection causing mass chaos) and got to my desk.  I was trying to figure out how to calm my nerves and normally music does it for me.  But then I realized that it shouldn’t just be any music.  I had to worship God at my desk today.  I could feel that He wasn’t done putting this peace of His in me so that I could focus on the task at hand.  I realized that it had to be worship that I hadn’t heard in a while, worship songs that I remember that changed the way I felt about Him.

About a week and a half ago, a friend handed me a book called ‘Redeeming Love’.  The ‘fictional’ book is basically the re-telling of the book of Hosea.  Seriously, no names had been changed to save the innocent (let’s face it, none of us are innocent) and so one of the main characters was named Michael Hosea.  I am at the 1/2 way point of the book and am realizing how screwed up our hearts are and how our hearts sometimes refuse the pure nourishment of Christ; I mean, we don’t even recognize love when it pulls us out of gut-wrenching painful moments to bring us into healing.  This remembrance came during work, and I was remembering the character of Michael Hosea and his unfailing love for this woman that just kept treating him like crap.  She wanted to care, but she didn’t even care enough to remember to care.  (Does that even make sense!?)  Anyways, when I thought of this enduring love that Michael Hosea had for Angel/Sarah/Amanda (whatever her name is!), I just feel head over heels in love with my Savior once again.  Yes, my fickle little heart remembered how many times He had saved me; that He was so deserving of worship and how I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT TO BE WITH HIM AT ANY MOMENT OF ANY DAY; HE IS JUST TOO GOOD FOR ME.  I deserve the pain, the suffering, the agony…but for some reason, God said ‘don’t touch her, she’s mine, and I love her.  She is worth everything I own and everything I am….I would die for her.’

So now, after typing all this out, I once again realize (and I can’t make a good enough point to you) that He is the reason you’re reading this; you were meant to.  I just wanted to express my heart, but He had a purpose for you reading it and you feeling what you feel right at this second.  I feel unworthy and confused….but I accept His love with my whole heart; and I will worship Him without shame because He took my shame from me and made it into something beautiful.  He took the shame I identified with and transformed it into a boldness to share with you that God is not mocked and He is not fooled.  He can see right through you and bring you to your knees because He knows your heart; He knows your secrets…and He still loves you.

How to: Delete Feelings

(1)     Determine your EXACT feelings for the individual. This step could take time and may have to be repeated….constantly.

(2)     Remove all memorabilia from your computer’s inbox files, keepsake box, and mental notes that you said you would hold onto until death…no, seriously!

(3)     Create a new mental note NOT to bring the person up in conversation!
         a.  Did the individual pop up thru someone else’s suggestion?  Refer back to number (1), then proceed to number (4)

(4)     Remember the true keeper of the heart and all the feelings He has for you — now remember that He would never harm you or give you a “creeper” to spend the rest of your life with.

 

(5)     Spend more time with friends and family to build up your relationships with the people closest to you and in turn, you are slowly but surely going through the deletion process.
         a.  Don’t like some of your friends and family right now because of recent events?  Refer to number (7)

(6)     Don’t spend more time with that person than you already have to.
         a.  Have an issue with that?  Ok, then stop reading and go back to pining or refer back to number (5)

(7)     Spend some serious time in prayer to God about everything you are going through and about where He wants your thought life.  Perhaps your energy and imagination should best be spent on other Kingdom-building tasks???

(8)     Remember that your fantasy/thought life has the power to take over the reality you should be living in!  Try not to drift into your daydreams; your life is literally passing you by!

(9)     Not to be vain…but, think about your feelings about yourself.  How do you feel, first, before getting into a relationship?
         a.  Not sure about how you feel about yourself?  Read Psalm 45:10-15; Psalm 139:15-18; then refer back to number (7)

(10)    Remember that ultimately, no one on this earth is good enough to make you go through the agony and despair of living life in confusion and self-loathing.  You were not created to always wonder about something you should have done differenly to gain the attentions and affections of someone else who wasn’t meant for you in the first place.

Next Time:     “How To”:  Remove Bedroom Clutter.

So Like…Now What!?

Quick Blog, because my dearest Adrianne requested it…but then, I figured, yeah, I totally need to.  We will be as vague as possible because things are complicated, but, like….now what!?

So — I have a friend.  We are friends, and it’s great, but things are moving forward and things are beginning to change.  How do I deal with that!?  I mean, I keep going back to Proverbs 4:23 — Above all else, guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life.  OK, so like…now what!? 

I don’t know, I guess I have been so quick to get excited over little things, that now when big things happen, I become so guarded and uncertain…I don’t know what to do!  We’ll see what happens by the end of the summer….
ONE LOVE.

Reincarnation Is Stupid.

I have a very short blog this evening. As I was driving over to have dinner with a friend one evening, I was listening to ‘Galileo’ by The Indigo Girls. The song mentions reincarnation and I just started to dwell on that for a second. The definition of reincarnation is:

A rebirth of a soul in a new human body

What a pile of crap.

Believing in reincarnation is saying that God has no creativity. It is like thinking that each one of us is not in fact unique, but that we are simply copies of someone that has come before us, perhaps centuries before us. Could you actually believe that? Could you really truly believe that the God that created this entire universe, each person in a different way, could allow for you to be copied, to be just like someone else who came before you?  I don’t.  I think that the God of the universe, the infinite being that holds everything in His hands, has an infinite mind and definitely has an infinite number of ideas about each individual creation; He is just that good.

This is just my thought; what do you think?

Wake Up.

It took me a bit to wake up from this sleep taste of mind.  I guess sometimes in my older age (haha), I wait for something big to wake me up.  That moment just happened to occur yesterday.  I was awakened by the mercy and grace of the Lord and His anointing on His people.  What have you ever been through that He has not brought you through?  What can you claim as an accomplishment that He didn’t already know you could do?  What in the world have you brought to the world that you can take out that He didn’t already create in it?  It’s not to make us feel insignificant (even though honestly we are) but to realize how much He has given and how BIG He really is.

So, my friend and I were talking about predestination this evening.  Some people consider it to be such an icky word and concept because it follows such an exclusive line of reasoning.  Romans 8:29-31 says that:

     “For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers.  And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.  What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?”

My friend made the point that our salvation has nothing to do with us, it is simply what God has done for us.  I know that in the past, I may have processed it differently and that we all have free will…and then I would get all confused with the predestined details.  I really haven’t approached it from the angle of, yes, we have free will to choose what we want, but, God knows all and knows WHAT we are going to choose.  We don’t, but yet again, it’s another point made that He knows…

Recently, I realized how merciful and full of grace God really is.  Without God, we would not have salvation.  Without His Holy Spirit, we would never make the 180 back into His arms.  Without the help of the church, the brothers and sisters in the COMMUNITY of believers, we would lie in wait in the darkness, the devil there to pick us off one by one. 

It has been about 3-4 years since I had a solid group of believers that I had the opportunity to know, laugh with, and love as much as I do now.  I encourage those lonely, waiting people to wake up.  Stop longing for the old times when your spiritual walk was so vibrant; pray for a spirit of boldness!  Ask the Lord for His guidance; even ask Him to literally direct your steps to the place He wants you to be.  I guarantee He knows, because He has already seen it.  Tee hee – it is your destiny as He has created it!

Tap into His knowledge and plan for the life He has given; God just totally blew me away with His divine power and His faithfulness; I know He can do the same for…YOU.

Ask Him to wake you up.

But, Where’s the Groom?

There are a few things I have been going through lately.  I won’t go into detail at this point because I am still trying to work it out in my mind.  Be that as it may, I have found that my subconscious KNOWS that I am struggling with this thought and it likes to have fun in my dreams.

With my best friend getting married in August and her bridal shower last night, I begin to think about what lies ahead for me?  Do I get to have a husband during my lifetime?  I was just over at my Grandmother’s house for Mother’s Day and I came across a picture of an old couple (in their 80’s) who had just gotten married.  NEITHER had been married before…they waited that long.  It was cute and frightening at the same time.

Let’s go back a bit.  When I was involved in a college ministry, we had an awesome women’s small group that would talk about everything.  One day, we were talking about marriage and I was sharing that all I needed was the ring, the wedding, and the house.  Our co-director then asked, “but, what about the man?” And my reply was non-existent.  I had completely forgotten about the man, the groom!  I wonder why that is?

As I lay in bed last night, I remember drifting off after watching ‘Mythbusters’ and then my dream began.  I was with my best friend and we were enjoying my last night of singleness before my blessed wedding day.  But I was confused, nervous, and scared.  Why?  Because I knew there was no groom.  Everyone else seemed to be excited to attend my wedding the next day, and for some reason, no one had asked where my husband-to-be was.  As the hours passed, I gradually got more and more stressed, but the party kept going, and I kept wondering how in the world I was going to find a husband in time for the ceremony.  I was totally freaking out….then I woke up.

I have been thinking about this quite a bit because of recent events in my life that some people know about…and others don’t.  Again, I don’t want to go into detail just because, but, I think that this particular dream had meaning.  Why don’t I know where my groom is?  Why does everyone else think everything is fine and it is on schedule?  Could it be that I have given them this false sense that everything is going as planned?  I think I have touched on something really close to my heart that I haven’t dealt with.  Does everyone think things are better in my life than they actually are?  I think a lot of people go through that in their lives when trying to balance what their friends know and what they are really going through in life. 

All in all, I think that my dream should not be taken lightly because…I honestly believed that I could come up with a groom at the last minute that would fill in! How crazy is that?!  I remember having drinks with my best friend and then honestly thinking through the wedding ceremony with the fill-in groom hoping that the marriage would not be legally binding!  I am amazing!

All I know is that My Father is entirely about me discovering His purposes for my life and how I can give Him glory. 

“Jesus, I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart”

Don’t Worry!

Don’t worry my friends.  I have not forgotten about my blog!

There are a number of pretty awesome things happening and there are some things in my life that I am working on with His help.  Hopefully soon, I will have them put together enough to type them in.  Until then, if you live in the Ann Arbor area, please mark your calendars for May 30th! I have my own show at The Common Cup on Washtenaw near U of M’s central campus.

Much Love.

Better To Have Loved and Lost?

My work week started out like any other, I mistakenly thought that someone was upset with me and I avoided them, and I had way too much work to do at the office.  Because I thought my friend was upset with me, I decided not to darken his door with my presence, and spent my evening at home.  I ate dinner with my parents, washed clothes, watched a British TV show on my computer, and even wrote a new song.  It was lovely to be home in my room, in the quiet.  Tuesday was a little bit better, kickboxing and then cancelling worship practice due to weather.  Wednesday, I didn’t see coming.

On Wednesday morning, I checked my facebook account to see that a message was sent letting me know that a friend had committed suicide.  I guess my reaction was not my normal reaction.  I was in shock, I was not hysterical, though.  Normally when someone tells me someone close to me has passed on, I laugh uncontrollably because I am hysterical.  I sat at my desk and I thought very deeply about what had happened.  I guess I was confused of the reason why he took his own life. 

When I first met Blake, I was on facebook.  He had randomly friended me because I was friends with one of his close friends.  After that, he would send me notes and little gifts and ask me how my weekend was going, however, he never really opened up about himself.  I guess I never noticed that.  Every once in a while, I felt like something wasn’t right, but then he would show up again and ask me how I was and what was up.  Blake ended up having to move out of town for work and things seemed to begin to fall apart for him.  He was on prescription drugs and things weren’t quite clicking for him.  He began to treat certain people as if they weren’t trying hard enough to support and love him.  All the while, I thought things were fine, and I was wondering how he was doing and why I hadn’t heard from him.

On Valentine’s Day, I sent him a gift and thanked him for all his kind words.  The next time I checked his facebook account, he had closed everything off.  I couldn’t see much and I figured it was something that I had done wrong, so I removed him from my friends.   I seriously try not to blame myself, however, he was already in a vulnerable state and I feel as if I helped to push him over.

With every hour since I have heard of Blake’s death, I keep thinking about what we were.  We were friends, and yet I keep hearing things like “he really liked you…”, a friend told me that on Wednesday.  What does that mean?  I wanted to know him more.  What does that mean?  I keep beating myself up like…if he really liked me, why didn’t he tell me, or wasn’t I enough?!  I know these things of which I speak are so not what I should be thinking of, but they keep repeating for me in my mind.

What I do know, is ultimately, it was his decision to do what he did.  As much as I am in pain about losing him, I cannot blame myself.  I get this feeling as if I have been left on a cliffhanger.  What would we have become if he had just opened up to me?  What would happen, if I could just have truly been his close friend?  Why didn’t I feel something when it happened that night?  Why couldn’t I have called him or something?? I really don’t know.