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Archive for September 11th, 2007

While taking a quick glance at my blog title, it has crossed my mind that I could be speaking of Jared Leto (le sigh), Viggo Mortensen (ahhh), Brad Pitt…(alright, alright, I understand the list could go on for days).  But I am talking about someone closer, more accessible, someone that knows that I am alive, but just doesn’t get it. 😦  Ah, the finite sadness.

I say finite sadness because I am sure that this will pass.  You see, this happens to me at least once (or even twice) a year.  Some guy comes along that seems absolutely amazing, however, something always takes him away from me in the end.  Perhaps it is because I admire from afar.  Well, not in this case.  Before you start reading faster, no names or places will be revealed that will give away the identity of this person.  Truthfully, only three know who I am referring to (1-God, 2-Me, 3-aha!…not telling!) and we are all keeping quiet.  Person number 3, you know who you are and what I hold over you. 😉

I guess this whole crush thing happens to everyone, however, let me attempt to explain the mindset of a 27 year old woman.  After a substantial period of time, we women (and even men!) start to realize what we want and begin to settle down with those wants and preferences and needs.  It’s pretty darn hard to get out of that mindset and truthfully, we don’t really want to.  In a relationship, I am looking for someone mature enough to realize that imperfections make us beautiful.  That we can share those things which we think make us unlovable; and in actuality, it is a truth that the other person is just dying to hear.  A comedy of errors, a train wreck you cannot look away from, a match made in singles heaven, even.  Hee, hee, hee.

But….with this guy, it’s hard to find a substantial flaw.  We both have our issues with friends and family, but who doesn’t?  He handles many a situation with grace and a willingness to learn and grow from it!  This, my friends, is absolutely irresistible to me.  So much so, that…I wrote a song about him 1.5 months ago.  It’s gotta be something because I have never been able to write a song so easily about something like this.  I am so pining for his guy and…..that’s right, ladies….he is totally and utterly oblivious.

Dear Readers:  I learned my lessons long ago.  I am a pro; I know where my heart wants to go, that it wants to show how it feels openly in the hopes that he will respond positively, however….after losing two crushes to overseas missions and eventually, *ahem*, their wives, I have learned to keep quiet until he decides this is something that he wants.  I could be bulldozed by his words in seconds.

So, I was in my basement on Sunday and was frustrated at something and looked out the small window and started to get tears in my eyes.  Questions and old memories and feelings filled my heart and my mind.  I had felt this before; it was right after I never heard back from the Marine; a feeling of infinite sadness that I wouldn’t be able to function if this person wasn’t communicating with me in some way, shape, or form.  I was almost rendered motionless in the basement in front of the pickled cucumbers, cha-cha, and Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce.   That Marine messed me up so bad that I forgot about the Lord!  That He was the only one who loved me and thought about me when no one else was around.  God was the reason for my joy and ability to love and I had turned my back on Him. 

It was then that I decided not to take this man too seriously, because it would totally crush me (again) if something happened that I did not intend…(ha, I didn’t intend). 

It’s just safer this way, ya know, “To Guard Your Heart, Because It Is The Wellspring of Life” (Proverbs 4:23)Me at Belle Isle, June 2007

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