…And That’s When The Fight Broke Out……

An Open Letter:

It happened again. I used to think I liked to suffer, until I suffered just a little bit too long and too hard. It ended up being an outburst to an unsurprised party. He just kept shaking His head just so that I knew He wasn’t being mean, He was just understanding. He wanted to make me see that it was all in my mind…why I was suffering so. My mind ran rampant wondering why He had let me see so many other undeserving people (LIKE MYSELF) find relationships, find other people that found them interesting in that way, and yet, I was suffering by being alone; I felt like He was letting me suffer. I continue to struggle with not understanding; I continue to struggle with being so selfish. My goodness, my selfishness, my self-righteousness took a front seat and I refuse to let go of it.

I had never really been upset and angry with Him before, but right now, just plain livid. Why does my mind always seem to want and desire something that is never coming to fruition!? Why is it that I always think I am so close, when yet I am so very far away? Then, I begin to think to myself, it’s time to move away, I need to rid myself of all the people I have become to familiar with and start a new life for myself with new friends and a new prospect pool; surely that will increase my odds of being happy with a mate, right? Since there are no guarantees, I continue to remain here, wondering where this person could be….if they even exist for me at all.

Yes, everytime someone new comes around, I will think they are the one and I become overly excited with they aren’t attached. I wonder then why nothing happens. Perhaps it is the strange way that I view myself. I find myself most times to be pretty enough, but maybe others don’t feel that way. Not necessarily getting too down on myself, (don’t send me frakking messages!) I just wonder how other people view me…truly.

So, dear reader, in closing, I don’t like to suffer, however, I suffer because my mind plays evil little deceitful tricks. It gives the wrong messages to my heart leaving me wondering why nothing ever clicks for me. I see other people starting relationships and I wonder when my turn will be. But whatever, I just choose to give up right now. I choose to be upset and peeved when I feel like it and not necessarily just wait…just not care.

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Thanks, I Had A Good Time.

An Open Letter:

Hey.  Just wanted to say that I had a really great time with you the other evening.  I realize now that there are some things that we should have talked about that we didn’t.  I have to apologize to you because I really think that I should have brought them up instead of shying away from them. 

I wanted to say that yes, while you’re a good man, however, you are not necessarily a good person.  Okay, perhaps the past sentence seemed extremely blunt and insensitive, however, none of us are good people.  We all have not been completely innocent in our lives, we all have tried very hard to be a good person, however, deep down, we really know that we all fall short.

I wanna talk to you more about this.  You seemed really open to it and I really want to share what I believe to be extremely important to our futures; even if they don’t involve us being together.  I want to be able to share what my heart feels whenever I see creation at its most unexplainable moments; I want to be able to share Christ with you.  His name and His fame have been dragged through so much mud for so long because we feeble minded have tried so hard to explain Him and who He is instead of directing people who need Him towards His Word.

I hope this letter hasn’t scared you.  If anything, I hope it opens up a way for us to talk about the hope that I have and how much I have come to care for you. I need to share it with you.  I hope that we have time to have another dinner together, another drink or two…or three and be honest about how messed up our lives really are.  No hiding, no sugar coating, and no tangents this time, friend.  I love you too much to let your eternal home be in darkness with no chance of light, and life with no chance of hope.

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An Emotional Outburst — A Praise and Blessing of Worship.

As I awakened Tuesday morning, my heart was full of dread.  I remembered that it was election day and that I was supposed to get out of my house at 6:30 a.m. and wait in the lines.  I gave up and slept until about 7:35 a.m.  Why?  Because I remembered that even though I may not like who would be elected President on Tuesday, I knew and trusted the One who made the one who is going to be taking office next year.

My sense of dread did not stop as I drifted into my office 5 minutes late (voters were crossing the main intersection causing mass chaos) and got to my desk.  I was trying to figure out how to calm my nerves and normally music does it for me.  But then I realized that it shouldn’t just be any music.  I had to worship God at my desk today.  I could feel that He wasn’t done putting this peace of His in me so that I could focus on the task at hand.  I realized that it had to be worship that I hadn’t heard in a while, worship songs that I remember that changed the way I felt about Him.

About a week and a half ago, a friend handed me a book called ‘Redeeming Love’.  The ‘fictional’ book is basically the re-telling of the book of Hosea.  Seriously, no names had been changed to save the innocent (let’s face it, none of us are innocent) and so one of the main characters was named Michael Hosea.  I am at the 1/2 way point of the book and am realizing how screwed up our hearts are and how our hearts sometimes refuse the pure nourishment of Christ; I mean, we don’t even recognize love when it pulls us out of gut-wrenching painful moments to bring us into healing.  This remembrance came during work, and I was remembering the character of Michael Hosea and his unfailing love for this woman that just kept treating him like crap.  She wanted to care, but she didn’t even care enough to remember to care.  (Does that even make sense!?)  Anyways, when I thought of this enduring love that Michael Hosea had for Angel/Sarah/Amanda (whatever her name is!), I just feel head over heels in love with my Savior once again.  Yes, my fickle little heart remembered how many times He had saved me; that He was so deserving of worship and how I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT TO BE WITH HIM AT ANY MOMENT OF ANY DAY; HE IS JUST TOO GOOD FOR ME.  I deserve the pain, the suffering, the agony…but for some reason, God said ‘don’t touch her, she’s mine, and I love her.  She is worth everything I own and everything I am….I would die for her.’

So now, after typing all this out, I once again realize (and I can’t make a good enough point to you) that He is the reason you’re reading this; you were meant to.  I just wanted to express my heart, but He had a purpose for you reading it and you feeling what you feel right at this second.  I feel unworthy and confused….but I accept His love with my whole heart; and I will worship Him without shame because He took my shame from me and made it into something beautiful.  He took the shame I identified with and transformed it into a boldness to share with you that God is not mocked and He is not fooled.  He can see right through you and bring you to your knees because He knows your heart; He knows your secrets…and He still loves you.

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