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Posts Tagged ‘Birth’

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Over the past decade, I have sometimes forgotten who I am.  I really don’t know if I am at home with the person that I did become.  Did I become someone that I really wanted to be, or did I compare myself with someone else in order to become like another person?  Who is the real me, anyways?

Over the past few months, I have definitely had some ups and downs; I have been able to easily see who I am in a sense, and, in a sense, of who I am not.  I have been able to say ‘no’ to some things that I know will not benefit me in the long run, and closeout the relationships that hurt me.  I guess in essence, this blog would have to be the example of how to love oneself.  I really don’t have any solid advice about how to go about getting there 100%, however, I have some thoughts….of course:

FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AND BE…AND THEN DO IT. BE IT.

If you have figured out what you like to do (that is something you can make a living off of), I think that you should start to pursue that as a goal.  It has taken me most of my adult life to become cognizant of the things that I enjoy doing and would like to continue to do, but it has caused me to start in a direction toward a goal.  In that, I feel like I am able to have a face, to have a reason for existence (for lack of a better description).  In that, in a sense, I can face my next task, my next hurdle, knowing that I am heading down a track/road that isn’t necessarily easy, but I am content in, knowing that’s for a certain purpose.  All of that, leads to a sense of having a little bit of a “chin-up” moment; a moment when you realize that you like what you are doing, and therefore can push yourself knowing you can love who you are while working towards that goal.

There are a lot of bad voices out there; too many to really name specifically, however, they say sometimes that you aren’t good enough to do what you want, or be who you want to be.  Sometimes, the voices say that the world is better off without you in it.  I can tell you that these things are not true, that your life most definitely has value; the people around you really don’t want to lose you, but, YOU have to make that decision of belief for yourself.  These voices can stay with you hours, days, weeks, months, years after you have originally heard them.  I think sometimes I have stayed so busy in an attempt to block them out.  That could be true, however, the people that have stayed around me, have had to constantly tell me that they enjoy spending that time with me; that I’m loved.  I’m still here, haven’t left town or the people that I love, so I guess it’s me deciding that I do indeed trust and believe what my loved ones are saying.  It’s up to each person to decide if they desire to trust.  For the parties getting the negative vibes, etc.:  do you really trust your friends and family when they say that they love you?  Sometimes that is the key to being able to stay in a town, stay in a lifestyle, or staying alive.

To come to a conclusion of sorts, friends, what you say to others and how they respond to you is very important.  You are helping each of your friends and family members determine how they feel about themselves; you’re letting them know they are worth the time and effort to know; that they can be loved.  As much as I’ve absorbed over these last 33 years, the one thing I’ve taken closest to heart is the people in my life that haven’t changed how they feel about me and the life path that the Lord has chosen for me.  Those people are sometimes are the reason why I love myself and what I do.

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Would like to first wish everyone who is reading this a very happy and prosperous new year; whatever that means for you. I’m not being cynical, I am just not sure what it means to everyone. For this year, it means that I have the ability of creating a niche for myself in the musician world.  I finally decided to complete and release my album. With my goal set at mid-February this year, I am excited to see this baby birthed.  Most mothers wait 9 months for their baby; mine has been 14 months coming…oh the pain.  Perhaps I will actually lose some weight when it’s born! HAHA.

All joking aside (at least for this paragraph), I want to share about the main thing on my mind for the new year, figuring out who you can depend on in all things great and small.  For a very long time during my childhood, I wanted to be the one that was included and invited to everything that my friends had going on.  It did not occur to me that I could not be everywhere at once, I just wanted to be included; to make a decision on what I would be involved in.  When I wasn’t included in the things that I wanted to be, I felt like the world only wanted me to suffer, that my friends could care less about me, that nothing mattered because everyone was selfish, wrong, and not worthy. In a sense, a very bitter/harsh sense, I could say that this is true.  Since no person on earth could ever fulfill every wanton desire that you have, can meet every expectation, and make sure that you are included in every moment — no one will ever be worthy. While I suffer through this revelation, I also realize that it has been the same conclusion whenever someone fails me. I just keep thinking that there will be that one person that will never leave me out of anything. But, they don’t exist.

Create your own happiness? No. Shut the entire world out and never reveal your spirit? No. Grow a thicker skin holding everyone at arms length and never trusting anyone or letting them in? No.

Being honest with yourself about what hurts you and being honest with your friends about what hurts you? Yes. Finding the right and honest way to respond to people that fail you and not straying from letting them know it? Yes.

It has been a really long time since I last blogged about my life.  In that time, I believe I suffered my first emotional breakdown in late August/early September 2010. At first, I said in my mind that it was a culmination of some people in my life getting married, some people graduating and moving away, and some taking new jobs and leaving the state. The reality of it? I was in a relationship that meant more to me than I thought and when they had to move away, the relationship had to end because it was time for a new season of life to start. I didn’t eat for days, didn’t sleep, and couldn’t work.  I denied the importance of my relationship with this person, I denied the impact it had on my life, but I couldn’t hide the relationship from a few true friends.  Through many in-depth and uncomfortable conversations, my friends helped me to see that this relationship was probably the most meaningful earthly relationship in my life…and I was denying its importance.  This person included me in so many things in their life; there really weren’t too many things that I missed, and when it was time for them to go — I didn’t realize it was ending, and the ending was very abrupt for me.   This past holiday season, this friend disappointed me and it hurt. It was then I realized I was still letting their departure affect and somehow dictate my emotions. Them being in town revived me and gave me peace; I was happy and it was good to feel that way again but also very disturbing and troubling; how could I let someone do that in my life? While the event that occurred wasn’t earth shattering, my heart and mind let me believe something else. I had to come clean and be honest with myself that it wasn’t healthy and how it was supposed to be. Now, it’s time to commit to telling my friend the truth.

I cannot depend on anyone or anything.  I can only depend on the Creator…and even He specifically says “no” to me from time to time. It sucks and it pains me, but, they aren’t in His will–His plan; and I am astonishingly alright with that…..I must be getting older 🙂

(This is where I spout my challenge and my credibly finite wisdom): If it’s going to truly be a new year for you, take the time to be a little bit more true and honest to yourself and to other people.

 

It’s all about GROWTH here.

If you’re not growing, you’re fading. There is no in between. There is no stagnation. I think it’s only healthy that you communicate to your spirit as well as those in your life how things affect you. You really are deceiving them if you don’t let them know you, and you really are deceiving yourself if you think people can automatically read and perceive your thoughts/emotions without you saying something.

With that being said, my new year just got truer, and a little brighter.

 

 

HAPPY. NEW. YEAR.

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