Posts Tagged ‘Dread’

This is the blog entry that I have kind of been dreading.  Now remember, I am not necessarily offering the absolute correct answer.

I know that all of us have had people in our lives that have done wrong to us and that we have done wrong to.  I know that sometimes the wrongs done to us can be almost unbearable to the point where we feel that we can never talk to that party again.  And for a while, it really seems like we never will again, however, there are times when I believe our spirits soften toward them, if only for a moment.  When that happens, I would hope that each one of us would consider the act of forgiveness.

Last year, I went through a time that I never thought would happen.  I cannot go into extreme details, but it resulted in me settling for something temporary and something that wasn’t right.  I’m pretty sure that reveals more than I intended, however, as a result of my misstep, I ended up having to cut someone out of my life.  I am having a problem forgiving them for what they did, and while I know they still love me, I feel that I was taken advantage of.  These things are now being shared to perhaps benefit those that may be going through something similar.  Because I feel like I was taken advantage of, I am having a hard time loving this person through the hurt I am going through.

I don’t know what will happen next, but I do know that God has been ever present during my misstep, during the after-affects and consequences of my sin, and during my healing and moving forward.  I know that at some point, I will let this person back into my life as an acquaintance and not a friend, and I know that while the relationship may be strained at times, it can still be one that honors God.  These aren’t necessarily the best answers, however, I know the Lord desires that we do live at peace with one another.  He knows that we are not perfect like Him, but I believe that’s why He gives us Himself so that we have the Perfect One to lean on and trust in.  The Lord has never taken my heart for granted, He has never sent me in the wrong direction, and He has always loved me perfectly.  I’m the one that comprised and chose the wrong path, but at least He made a way for me to get back to the right one.  I have to confess, truly, it is SUCH AN AMAZING THING when we let the Lord take hold of the reins of our lives and He guides us through.  It brings an intense joy and a wonderful peace, and it has made me glad that I could return to Him.

How do I love the person that hurt me?  I can’t.  I can’t love the person with the love that I have; it’s just not good enough.  The extension of the Father’s love will have to cover it all since I cannot fully love this person any longer.  This might not be the world’s greatest entry about love and forgiveness, but it’s the honest one.  Sometimes sin does considerable damage.  The Lord can restore, though, and miracles can happen.

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As I awakened Tuesday morning, my heart was full of dread.  I remembered that it was election day and that I was supposed to get out of my house at 6:30 a.m. and wait in the lines.  I gave up and slept until about 7:35 a.m.  Why?  Because I remembered that even though I may not like who would be elected President on Tuesday, I knew and trusted the One who made the one who is going to be taking office next year.

My sense of dread did not stop as I drifted into my office 5 minutes late (voters were crossing the main intersection causing mass chaos) and got to my desk.  I was trying to figure out how to calm my nerves and normally music does it for me.  But then I realized that it shouldn’t just be any music.  I had to worship God at my desk today.  I could feel that He wasn’t done putting this peace of His in me so that I could focus on the task at hand.  I realized that it had to be worship that I hadn’t heard in a while, worship songs that I remember that changed the way I felt about Him.

About a week and a half ago, a friend handed me a book called ‘Redeeming Love’.  The ‘fictional’ book is basically the re-telling of the book of Hosea.  Seriously, no names had been changed to save the innocent (let’s face it, none of us are innocent) and so one of the main characters was named Michael Hosea.  I am at the 1/2 way point of the book and am realizing how screwed up our hearts are and how our hearts sometimes refuse the pure nourishment of Christ; I mean, we don’t even recognize love when it pulls us out of gut-wrenching painful moments to bring us into healing.  This remembrance came during work, and I was remembering the character of Michael Hosea and his unfailing love for this woman that just kept treating him like crap.  She wanted to care, but she didn’t even care enough to remember to care.  (Does that even make sense!?)  Anyways, when I thought of this enduring love that Michael Hosea had for Angel/Sarah/Amanda (whatever her name is!), I just feel head over heels in love with my Savior once again.  Yes, my fickle little heart remembered how many times He had saved me; that He was so deserving of worship and how I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO RIGHT TO BE WITH HIM AT ANY MOMENT OF ANY DAY; HE IS JUST TOO GOOD FOR ME.  I deserve the pain, the suffering, the agony…but for some reason, God said ‘don’t touch her, she’s mine, and I love her.  She is worth everything I own and everything I am….I would die for her.’

So now, after typing all this out, I once again realize (and I can’t make a good enough point to you) that He is the reason you’re reading this; you were meant to.  I just wanted to express my heart, but He had a purpose for you reading it and you feeling what you feel right at this second.  I feel unworthy and confused….but I accept His love with my whole heart; and I will worship Him without shame because He took my shame from me and made it into something beautiful.  He took the shame I identified with and transformed it into a boldness to share with you that God is not mocked and He is not fooled.  He can see right through you and bring you to your knees because He knows your heart; He knows your secrets…and He still loves you.

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