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Posts Tagged ‘expectations’

I am a recovering addict of chick-flicks.  I am not in a self-help program involving a group of other people in a circle talking about their problems, I am awakening to the fact that these films are one of the many reasons that women (and men) have an incorrect and distorted view of relationships.

I’m going to disappoint some readers of this blog with this post if you are a fan of chick flicks.  I am going to offend those that love sitting in a theater with their significant other to attempt enjoyment of said chick flicks.  A random point I am going to make is that I consider ‘Bridesmaids’ to be one of THE WORST movies ever made on the face of this earth.  There, I said it.  Completely disgusting.  Found myself horrified at every scene other people thought was funny. Completely disgusting.

OK, now that my previous comment is out of my system, chick-flicks are the hand-maiden of evil.  Why?  Because, no desires of your heart will ever be met with 100% acceptance by all parties.  Chick-flicks were never meant to inspire you to greatness in relationships via fantasy.  Chicks flicks are MOVIES, they are fiction, they have a place in society because sometimes, everyone needs to escape reality.  Watching an enjoyable movie is never a bad thing.  The bad thing happens when we start watching too many of them AND when we believe they are hitting close to home because they are relating to our hearts and our minds.  They are catering to our fantasies, the belief that we only need to seek out and find and be ready for the moment when we find ourselves in a movie.  OK ladies, we’ve all done it, (and if you haven’t yet, it’s coming) we’ve all had the inner monologue going when we woke up to get ready for class and/or for work.  The inner voice narrating everything that we do.  Sometimes we’ve picked out a voice that we like (if we don’t like our own) detailing everything our heart and mind is thinking about and what it hopes will happen during the day.  Most often, we have an expectation…of the unexpected.  We WAIT for it, we WATCH for it (yes, I love Scandal), we really want that one moment with that one person that will define and bring definition to our lives.  But…what happens when it doesn’t come?  Or better yet, what happens when things do come and we do meet that person and everything starts to finally gel and become brighter in our lives, but we still haven’t had the chick-flick moment?

I seem to have a re-occurring theme of being disappointed by things.  I don’t mean to be this way, honestly, however, I have tried so many other options in terms of carving out a relationship with someone that just don’t work.  The obvious point is this:  by always referring to our favorite chick-flick moments in regard to relationship expectations, we really make it hard out there for the person that is perfect for us.  We are always going to have desires and wants in relationships, but those shouldn’t be dumped on the person.  You must think of it in terms of what the other person is looking for as well.  That other novel concept is that the other person should have a say in the relationship.  You cannot assume that you know what will happen in the relationship unless you communicate.  What are their expectations, what are their fantasies?  How do they feel about chick-flicks? Also, I think something can be said about those that do search for the magical in their relationships.  Don’t ever let a dream die; there IS magic in love, but the magic isn’t engineered by someone in Hollywood.  We do find our “love magic” and we can make it happen however it’s supposed to happen.

One of my favorite bands while in college was Caedmon’s Call.  A member of the band, Derek Webb (a founder of Noisetrade, by the way!) performed one of my favorite songs called ‘Love is Different’.  If you have it, listen to it.  If you don’t, listen to it here.  Here is the chorus:

“Love is different than you think, it’s never in a song, or on a TV screen.  And love, is harder than a word, said at the right time, and everything’s alright.  Love is different than you think.”

As a last little fun item for the fourth day of February, I’d like to list some chick-flicks, however, I am listing them out in terms of what doesn’t happen in reality.  Good job if you answer them all correctly….you watch almost as many movies as I have.

NOT GONNA HAPPEN:

  • Just because you’re awesome at soccer and it’s a challenge to date you doesn’t mean that the head coach is gonna risk the potential advancement of his career to continue coaching a girl’s soccer team that isn’t going to the Olympics;  
  • No guy is going to risk his life for a girl with green eyes by jumping into a sewer and facing off with disgusting ancient Chinese creatures, I don’t care what truck driver with a John Wayne complex you have on your side, and I don’t care if Samantha from ‘Sex in the City’ is in the movie;
  • A wealthy man doesn’t always want a mouthy wife who doesn’t let him explain his side.  It doesn’t matter if the movie takes place in India or the United Kingdom, love doesn’t magically appear (sorry, Jane);
  • If I was married to a king who created the round table and established peace in his country, there is no way I would I cause a ruckus by getting involved with a knight who had a problem establishing if he was Italian or French;
  • OK, yes, my fiancee died and then I found out that he had a kid with another chick.  This doesn’t mean that I am going to fall in love with one the guy’s best friends who technically treated him like crap but is super sexy and a photographer;
  • Yes, by orchestrating an elaborate plan because I was brutally rebuffed, I will actually land the man, then dump him, create a hugely successful magazine company, eat lots of chocolate, become a red head, and get him back in the end;
  • By us being mis-treated by love, we are deserving of love.  Therefore, let us take a chance on each other and switch houses and go to continents we’ve never been to before so that we find the loves of our lives!!;
  • I’m stuck in an elevator with you for hours, so naturally we have discovered everything we could possibly know about each other.  We can’t end it here, let’s see each other again in Times Square so that we can look at each other lovingly so I can sing the solo of my career and you can cheer me on;
  • I’m just a hard working maid with a son in a beautiful hotel.  One day, you’ll mistake me for a guest and we’ll have an evening we’ll never forget.  You’ll find out who I really am and that will make you want me all the more even after I’ve lied to you;
  • My family is wealthy, no man can see me, maybe you’re the one who can break the spell, just tell me you love me.  Oh, something might be up with my nose;
  • I’m just the chauffeur’s daughter, but six months in Paris apparently makes me absolutely desirable to every man on the north shore;
  • Being a girl and dressing like a boy and living with boys, my soccer skills become desirable to a guy, and I get the guy, but not just any guy.  I get Channing Tatum!;
  • I am a beautiful black attorney looking to make partner, but my romantic life is full of blind dates that just don’t work out.  I get a blind date with a white guy who does landscaping and my heart is taken.  We are from two different worlds, but our passion cannot be denied.  Against all adversity, we have to be together.  You brought me out of my shell and made me love colors!

I could go on, there are so many movies that I didn’t mention.  I’ll list the movie titles for each bullet point above on the Fifth Day.

LOVE IS DIFFERENT.

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Brenda and Dale had an existence separate from each other until, of course, they found each other in 2008.  A simple life made complicated is how I will classify it.  They didn’t know hardships and joy until they found each other.  The catch is, as in most relationships, is that each one had certain expectations and limitations when they went into the relationship.  I think, they each thought that they could change the other person’s mind if given enough time.  Such is the folly of our stubborn minds and our willful hearts.

Three years later, a break occurred that neither of them could mend and certain limitations and expectations from the past were brought up.  Even though an acknowledgment of love for one another was shared, in the end, the path they once walked together became two separate paths in different directions.

Yes, these are two people that I know.  Yes, they went into a relationship with hopes, which are not wrong, but I tend to have reservations when we believe that we can change a person simply by spending time with them in a relationship.  It’s not just an intent to help the person along that helps, the person that you are trying to spend that time with needs to want to change.  If they don’t wish to, you are wasting your time. In this case, some would think that three years was wasted.

How is this a post about love?  This would be a post to go along with the second day:  you cannot expect love to accommodate you, you must accommodate and make changes for love…and you must be willing (both parties) to make those changes.  I think that both people have to be of the same accord in order for love to move in and leave its mark; take up its proper real estate.

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