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Posts Tagged ‘family’

I have something saved up for tomorrow’s blog since tomorrow is some “special” day.  I don’t know what people are thinking about fancy dinners and chocolates for…Diehard 5 comes out tomorrow; I’ll be in the theater, thank you very much.

For today, I’m going to share about ex-boyfriends…..

Yipes.  This is a delicate topic.  I had dinner with a newer friend last night, and we were talking about our pasts and our present lives.  She thought me strange as I still spent a good amount of time around my ex-boyfriend, even though he is currently dating someone else.  She kept repeating the same phrase of “I don’t know how you do it.”  I guess I really didn’t think about it as much as I should have?  I mean, I do respect him enough that I keep my distance as he tries to figure out his dating life and relationships, however, we’ve never really condemned our friendship even though our dating relationship ended over four years ago.  I don’t find it unhealthy as I don’t try and sabotage his current dating relationships, I don’t wonder ‘what if’ when I spend time with him; I genuinely do enjoy his company, however, I just don’t feel that way about him.

At first, I was dating him because it made sense because we had had so much fun together just hanging out, however, after a weekend retreat with about uh, 25 girls all excited about who I was dating, it became abundantly clear after just three questions that certain needs weren’t being met in terms of what I’m looking for in a mate.  I was blocking it all because (I know now) I was just wanting to be in a relationship.  THIS WAS UNFAIR TO HIM.  I didn’t feel the same way that he felt about me.  His feelings were growing for me, and I was denying what I was really looking for.  When I got home, we hung out, did lunch, and talked.  When I broke up with him the first time (I don’t have time for the fullness of THAT story) he understood.  The important part was that he was willing to move on with our friendship.  I think this is where it’s miraculous.  I think this is what makes it different is that he was willing to let the friendship remain.  And our friendship has grown so much in the last five years, I can’t imagine life without this friend.  We’ve made mistakes along the way, we had some really REALLY hard times together, but the fact that I can still call him my friend is truly a gift.

I guess now, I just take it for granted as so many wonder why I have such a great relationship with him.  He is kind, funny, happy, focused, and dedicated.  He is a provider, he is a protector, he is loving, and he is gentle.  Even after typing all of these things out, you may wonder why in the world I stopped our romantic relationship.  I did it because of the blog post from the second day of this journey.  Unrequited love is a pain that you needn’t go through in this life if you don’t have to….and you should never have to.  Also, I found it to be deceitful to spend time in that relationship if I didn’t feel the same way.  As I get older, it gets more difficult to see those in relationships with great people, however, I will never ascribe to the belief that it is better to be in a relationship with someone/anyone, than no relationship at all.  Those people, I think, have the most to lose; they lose themselves hoping that perhaps love will bloom within a relationship by forcing it to continue because they don’t want to be alone.  AND, if they let it continue and it translates into a marriage…I just can’t imagine that.  I really can’t.

Summarizing everything above?  I really don’t know.  I would say pray for your friendships and your romantic relationships.  I think I got lucky with my friend, however, the process I took of discussing ending the relationship with him, I considered it to be delicate surgery in separating two joined parts.  In terms of conversations, it was one of the longer ones of my life, however, I took great care in accepting the blame and letting him know how much he meant to me.  The other part to this equation is that, perhaps he was feeling the same way, too.  I’ll never know because I’ll never ask, but the Lord granted us both some peace and understanding in this area.  I don’t think it would have been as easy if I let the relationship drag on after the realization that it should have ended.  I think I just respected and loved his heart more than wanting us to work out and wanting a road for us that led to marriage.

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Over the past decade, I have sometimes forgotten who I am.  I really don’t know if I am at home with the person that I did become.  Did I become someone that I really wanted to be, or did I compare myself with someone else in order to become like another person?  Who is the real me, anyways?

Over the past few months, I have definitely had some ups and downs; I have been able to easily see who I am in a sense, and, in a sense, of who I am not.  I have been able to say ‘no’ to some things that I know will not benefit me in the long run, and closeout the relationships that hurt me.  I guess in essence, this blog would have to be the example of how to love oneself.  I really don’t have any solid advice about how to go about getting there 100%, however, I have some thoughts….of course:

FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AND BE…AND THEN DO IT. BE IT.

If you have figured out what you like to do (that is something you can make a living off of), I think that you should start to pursue that as a goal.  It has taken me most of my adult life to become cognizant of the things that I enjoy doing and would like to continue to do, but it has caused me to start in a direction toward a goal.  In that, I feel like I am able to have a face, to have a reason for existence (for lack of a better description).  In that, in a sense, I can face my next task, my next hurdle, knowing that I am heading down a track/road that isn’t necessarily easy, but I am content in, knowing that’s for a certain purpose.  All of that, leads to a sense of having a little bit of a “chin-up” moment; a moment when you realize that you like what you are doing, and therefore can push yourself knowing you can love who you are while working towards that goal.

There are a lot of bad voices out there; too many to really name specifically, however, they say sometimes that you aren’t good enough to do what you want, or be who you want to be.  Sometimes, the voices say that the world is better off without you in it.  I can tell you that these things are not true, that your life most definitely has value; the people around you really don’t want to lose you, but, YOU have to make that decision of belief for yourself.  These voices can stay with you hours, days, weeks, months, years after you have originally heard them.  I think sometimes I have stayed so busy in an attempt to block them out.  That could be true, however, the people that have stayed around me, have had to constantly tell me that they enjoy spending that time with me; that I’m loved.  I’m still here, haven’t left town or the people that I love, so I guess it’s me deciding that I do indeed trust and believe what my loved ones are saying.  It’s up to each person to decide if they desire to trust.  For the parties getting the negative vibes, etc.:  do you really trust your friends and family when they say that they love you?  Sometimes that is the key to being able to stay in a town, stay in a lifestyle, or staying alive.

To come to a conclusion of sorts, friends, what you say to others and how they respond to you is very important.  You are helping each of your friends and family members determine how they feel about themselves; you’re letting them know they are worth the time and effort to know; that they can be loved.  As much as I’ve absorbed over these last 33 years, the one thing I’ve taken closest to heart is the people in my life that haven’t changed how they feel about me and the life path that the Lord has chosen for me.  Those people are sometimes are the reason why I love myself and what I do.

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Love, Day Two.  Ahhhh, Sadie went back to her private blog.  She may come back later in the month; she is so honest, scandalous, and blunt; love her.  Since we are on the second day, and I’m not exactly sure where this month could take me, I would like to discuss the subject of unrequited love.

Unrequited love is when one party has strong feelings for another party that doesn’t return those feelings.  To me, unrequited love is living in a constant state of false hope and torment.  It is sometimes where some of us like to dwell because we don’t know anything outside of it.  I have lived in its torment for many years, sometimes wondering why and what I could possibly learn from it.  If anything, I have learned that I cannot escape this state without a healthy relationship with others, and being honest and open about feelings.  This isn’t such a simple thing.  I know it’s really hard to share emotions and feelings with others.  You don’t know what they will do with your heart; you don’t know if they are trustworthy; you don’t know what they are thinking about you.

But…to be the victim of unrequited love means that you have to walk this earth with such an extreme unneeded and unhealthy burden upon your heart, that you feel that you can never be truly happy, that no one will really ever be the right one for you because you never had the one that “got away”.  You live your whole life wondering “what if”, when you never had to face such a question.  I never really thought about this until fairly recently in these last few weeks.  I have come to terms with the fact that some men in my past aren’t for me, and I do have to learn to let that go, but I cannot let my future groom (have mercy, Jesus) suffer in our relationship because I held on so tightly to something that wasn’t promised to me.

UPDATE:  An article that I just read today really does my entire blog entry justice, so I’m adding it.  It’s from Relevant Magazine contributor Marielle Wakim:  http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/what-do-when-it’s-complicated

This is what I am learning of love is that you have to be able to make room for it, you have to be able to accommodate it, not it accommodating you.  You cannot live in torment because your plans failed…if we all did that, over 95% of the population of the earth would never get out of bed in the morning.

Love is a stretch, but it’s a good stretch.  Love is different, but it’s a good different. Love is a challenging change.

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