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Posts Tagged ‘First Love’

While it has been an incredibly long time since I actually blogged here, I have had many topics come to mind. Since the summer has pretty much come and gone, I have been through some significant realizations in my life that will inevitably affect the future path I go down. I believe the biggest one would have concerns the looking towards my future united to someone that I love; a husband, my other half, my partner, my second love. I was so determined to never give up searching for him, that I forgot to prepare myself for what he would find and be looking for. Does that make any sense? Even if it doesn’t, it does to me, it’s my blog…so there.

Of all of the things that I was holding onto, this was the one that gave me the best sense of false security. Exactly. False security, a way of controlling the future by holding onto it in our minds…that’s so stupid (insert Boo’s laughter here). Every new guy that came into my life, I would wonder if they were the one (I believe I have mentioned this in a previous blog, even). I could never find peace about where I was in life because I was measuring everything against how much other people had; so totally going against the things your parents tell you, that God tells you, that you are a unique creation and there is no one like you, there will never be any else like you. So…why am I trying so hard to be categorized like someone else?? To fall into the trap of someone else’s life….ewww.

So — the two first paragraphs were just to lay down the foundation. Over the summer, one of my closest friends and I decided to read a book called ‘Every Woman’s Battle’ (EWB). This book literally changed my life last summer as I read it for the first time and got rid of a few addictions and unhealthy behaviors that I was so happy to be freed from; it has been an amazing time of gratefulness to the Lord since then. I cannot say that I was completely cured and healed of some behaviors, however, that has not stopped the Lord from consistently standing in the way of the wrong path in order to guide me down the correct one. Accountability has helped! But let’s bring it back to the book. EWB has a workbook for single women. I have been working with that one while my friend (who is married) worked with the other. There are different questions every once in a while. One question was along the lines of this: “Do You Believe that God craves and desires a romantic relationship with you, or do you believe this kind of romantic relationship is only possible with a man?”

I thought that my answer would be reasonably simple, and I was just trying to get through the questions to exchange my book with my friend so that we could have a discussion. I found myself quite frustrated when my answer came out “wrong”. I kept thinking that the Lord just doesn’t feel that way about me; that He can’t possibly find me beautiful in that way. I mean, He can’t, right? Wait, who is to say that God can’t do something? Wait, so that must mean that He can and does feel that way about me? Weird. I mean how in the world could a human man feel that about me if God (in my mind) couldn’t? That’s just not possible. He put that desire and nature into a man!

God’s love for us is and can be manifested into the way a marriage is set up; yup, right down to the physical aspect. The attraction, the desire, all of it. So, I just start thinking, ack?! What in the world have I been taught over so many years that I only see God as this friendly friend, Father figure, Protector? In addition to this, He is my Lover, My Partner, My First Love. Now, I understand that some may be nodding in agreement and maybe a few people are like “duh” to my realizations, however, I just realized I don’t think the Lord finds me beautiful in that way….but uh, He does; it’s just going to take a little time for me to process that. And because I have taken the time to type all this out, ladies, I hope that you would take the time to realize that God feels the same way about you, too.

Contemplative...Again.

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  • The smell of summer and freedom
  • The feeling of a friend’s warm arm against your own during a car ride
  • The summer nights that went on forever
  • My great grandmother’s bed and all the memories of my teenage years spent on it writing music, shedding tears, and laughing out loud
  • Lisa and her great big hugs, her laughter, her awesome dance moves, and her loving heart
  • The Muskegon weekend when most of the crew had sunburns; refrigerated aloe is all you need…
  • My first kiss on the cheek from a boy
  • My first love letter
  • The way Radiohead’s song ‘Karma Police’ made me feel like I could fly inside my car
  • Being able to pack for summer camp knowing that 1/2 of the clothes would never be used
  • College Fall Retreats at Bambi where I felt like the stuff because I was on the Worship Team
  • The letters from my Marine (wherever you are, I hope I never get to meet you)
  • Orchestra trips in high school where you can get away with just about anything…because you were invincible
  • Summers at the Esch Farm where the Prom preparation was a way of life
  • When driving to the store for my Mom and Dad was fun
  • When watching PG-13 movies made you feel like an adult
  • Giggling because you knew something at camp about a boy that someone else didn’t
  • Centrifuge Summer Camp where everyone I knew got a hug from me and at least 10 people had a summer love
  • Driving and imagining my favorite actor was in the car beside me…what to say, where were we going?
  • Being 21 and stupid
  • Being 18 and stupid
  • Being 16 and stupid
  • My uncle Morgan and his passion for counseling men convicted of Domestic Violence
  • My cat, Chase Manhattan
  • My grandfather Sidney – the boxer ‘Kid Chocolate’
  • Not having to worry about paying out $700 every month in bills
  • My beautiful blooming tree in the backyard of my old house
  • My brother living in the State of Michigan
  • My ability to be happy without having to think really hard about what to be happy about
  • Waterdeep, Watermark, and Five Iron Frenzy…
  • My friends that have boyfriends, fiancee’s, and husbands — change can really stink sometimes…but it’s all good
  • My friends that have ex-boyfriends, ex-fiancee’s, and ex-husbands — change can really really stink sometimes, but God is good

 

Most of all — I miss you and the way we used to talk; can we ever have that again.  I miss the way we were.

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