Posts Tagged ‘Friendship’

Wow.  I feel like so much has happened all in one day.  I am so very thankful for this amazing group of women that I have been able to call friends.  They have shared some things that are very close to their hearts, and have shared shortcomings that they wish to change with the help of the Father.  It’s so humbling and so very exciting to be able to take part in their weekend of refreshing by leading them in worship…IT’S SUCH A PRIVILEGE to be a part of their lives for just one weekend.  I am full of joy.

I’ve had a lot of moments to think about the love that blossoms from relationships, namely friendships.  I have come to value so many different relationships that I have in my life, I fear that sometimes I take them for granted, and sometimes do not give them the time, effort, and energy that they deserve.  For others, I feel like I may smother them and therefore suffocate.  The relationships that I long to smother and suffocate are the ones that are usually feeding me the most nourishment that my soul needs, however, sometimes I think that I have become a glutton with regard to how much I feed off of that relationship.  Does that make sense?  I overly long for/crave more and more of that relationship.

In my walk through scripture today, I came across Isaiah 30:15 (NIV) – “in repentance and rest is your salvation. In quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.”

I also came across Job 13:15-16 (MSG) – “Because even if he killed me, I’d keep on hoping.  I’d defend my innocence to the very end.  Just wait, this is going to work out for the best—my salvation!”

Lastly, my life verses are Psalm 73:25-26 (NIV) – “Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

The first two verses seemingly have no relation to one another, however, for me, they speak volumes with regard to my walk as of late.  You see, I have been fighting to do more, to be more, to just be everything I want, in order to find peace of mind. No, I haven’t stomped on people’s dreams or said spiteful things, but I have stopped caring, really caring, about a person’s soul and how important it is to God.  I have not taken the time to remember how faithful the Lord is with our hearts; how wonderful He is in remembering the needs of His people.  I haven’t taken the time to really say ‘sorry’ to the Lord, to be quiet in Him; still (Psalm 46:10).  Because of this, I truly am weakened because I have not spent that needed time just listening and waiting.

When I really think about it, the second and third verses reference do go hand in hand in my eyes.  I really do realize that I have nothing else besides God and His love.  There is nothing else left, and there is no where else that I could go.  He is my hope and stay, and nothing can take me away from Him.

So why do I do things apart from Him?  Why have I been taking my own life and wasting it away, for lack of a better description?   I don’t have a really great answer, however, I get the feeling that it is wrapped up in being very impatient regarding God’s timing.  I crave an answer from Him, however, I want it a certain way; I want it in one amazing moment, an amazing sign, a beautiful tribute.  The problem is, that is a very ‘me’ mentality, and the Lord ain’t havin’ it.

I have been talking about loving well for about 20 days and how I strive for it, but I can’t even love and trust my God well enough to let that love from Him flow into me to flow out to others.  I am realizing that the problem I have begins with me and not with how to do it unto others.  I was sitting in one of the sessions, listening to my mentor, and just remembered some of the conversations from the first night.  I was so moved by these ladies sharing their hearts, praying over us, just being servants to Him.  I then realized that there was an amazing amount of trust going on…but it wasn’t necessarily them trusting me with hearing some of these sensitive topics, it was the trust that they had in the Father that allowed them the freedom to share.  I am always so fearful of sharing my life with others sometimes, that I miss the opportunities to love and befriend people.

I have a long way to go….and it’s time for me to close my eyes and sleep tonight, but yes, it’s that time of realization that faith and trust in the Father go such a long way in dealing with earthly relationships.

PSALM 146:3 – “Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save.”

Read Full Post »

First impressions always trip me up.  I think that perhaps I often over-think them.  But this isn’t about me.  This is a story about Sadie, the other me that is more adventurous than I.  Perhaps you will never meet the likes of her, but I think us ladies all have a little bit of Sadie in us.  Suffice it to say, she has a story that she would like to share on my WordPress since hers isn’t quite fully constructed.  It is a story about a first impression, and about where that impression is now…

I had been looking for a new place of community for myself and found one.  Perhaps I was looking for a mate, but I won’t go into that right now.  I had found a community, a place where people were a little stiff, but they told the truth, they actually cared about the good.  I decided to become involved, volunteer within the community serving where I could.  I enjoyed what I was doing.  One day, one of the leaders and his wife asked me out to lunch, along with us was a guy that I had never met.  For safety’s sake, we’re going to call that guy Hunter.  Hunter was a moderately tall, dark haired guy.  He had bags under his eyes and he shuffled his feet.  He didn’t say too much to me or to the leader and his wife.  Our introductions were pretty much non-existent because he really didn’t acknowledge my presence.  During our lunch outing, the leader and wife and I engaged in conversation, sharing stories about the community as well as adventures in our own lives.  Hunter remained at the end of the table, head pointed a little more down than would be acceptable since it was a social lunch, and you could just tell — Hunter had a chip on his shoulder and a burden on his heart.

We continued with our lunch excursion for another hour or so.  Eventually, we made our way back to our cars and said farewell.  The memory of Hunter stayed with me all day.  By the next day, I was curious, however, I didn’t feel that I should pry or ask the leader about his story.  Eventually, the memory of the lunch outing faded away as a distant memory.  That was the first impression.

Fast forward about a year.  I am volunteering my time within this wonderful community that is pretty much powered by volunteers.  A new volunteer enters the picture, it’s Hunter, or it least it looked like him.  Hunter seemed the same, generally speaking, however, his countenance had been transformed into one that was happy, cheerful, goofy.  He loved serving within the community and with what we were doing.  I really couldn’t believe my eyes.  Hunter had dramatically changed.

I decided to stay back from him, didn’t know what to make of things.  Over the next year, I found that since we volunteered within the same group, we were thrown together in certain instances.  We would talk and have conversations about general things, look forward to the upcoming events, and discuss members of our community that we were concerned about or were thinking about and wanted to help.  As time passed, we began to talk about many other things, more personal, closer to our hearts, closer to our spirits.  It was then that I realized that a real transformation had taken place within my heart and within Hunter’s.  I had to tell him about my first impression of him and ask him what had happened that could have made him that way and yet completely different.  Hunter said that that day when he went to lunch with us, he was carrying such a heavy weight of guilt, of regret, of sadness.  He couldn’t get away from thinking about something that was troubling his spirit.  But because of his faith, Hunter realized that something good could be done with the bad.

Today, Hunter seems to be a very far cry from the Hunter I first met.  He engages the community in a wonderful way.  Though he has had some troubling items of his past come to the surface sometimes, he clings to the hope that these things learned then, make him a better person for tomorrow.  I have a great love for this friend; he has helped me to face change and challenges when I wanted to run; to make a way with faith when there seems to be no way.  Hunter was and is a holy helper.  Glad I didn’t lose all hope from that first impression.  I’m glad that we have been brought together in friendship for a purpose that is greater than us.

This brief short story will be one of 28 as I endeavor to write 28 stories of love for the month of February.  I know that there is healing in hope and restoration in faith.  The only obstacle that we have is the obstacle to believe in that hope and trust in the faith that God provides to us.  Can’t tell you how grateful I am that He never let go of me, of us.

FAITH. HOPE. LOVE…but the greatest of these is LOVE.  Happy February.

Read Full Post »

This feeling of liberation is giving way to desparation.  (Work with me, we’re going backwards in time).

I feel like whatever I say on this blog can sometimes fall upon deaf ears because the person that I intend this note for will never actually set their eyes upon it.

I was recently confronted, frustrated, and “freed” of a belief I held very closely to my heart.  The belief that when you first set your eyes upon that certain person…you know that’s the person you will spend the rest of your life with.  I believed in that magic, that unexplained moment when you know that God actually had it in mind for you to fall in love with someone.  I was so frightened and shocked when someone said otherwise to me one night.  I felt cheated.  (Work with me, we’re still going backward in time).

Last weekend, I had a free Sunday night and I invited my friend out to a friend’s house to hang out.  While we were en route, we started talking about dating in general.  Let’s just say that because of a past pain, my friend has taken a different outlook on dating.  He believes in keeping it casual, keeping his options open, simply seeing what he has in common with the person before becoming exclusive.  Sounded alright, right?  But why did I not have peace about it somehow.  I guess I had questions of my own with regards to the casual dating thing.  Like, what if say, my friend, asked a girl out, but she felt 10x what he felt for her, how would that work out if he felt like they didn’t click after they went out.  How would that girl feel?  What if casual dating proved to be the undoing of him?  What if he felt like he was becoming too picky, or not picky enough.  Whenever I mention casual dating, my friends think of that ‘Gilmore Girls’ episode when Rory and Logan decide that they are going to try an open relationship and they end up going out on casual dates apart from each other.  I think by the close of the episode, Logan cannot stand that Rory is going out on a ‘date’ with another guy, and Rory has to come clean and say that she is a girlfriend, an exclusive one, and dating other people casually is not good enough for her. 

While I believe that my friend would like to be in a meaningful relationship, I think that he is approaching things the wrong way.  Not to air too much bad laundry (in the chance he actually reads this), his past relationship did not have the greatest ending.  We all like to protect our hearts, especially after that first occasion when it has been broken, or mis-used.  While I appreciate his efforts to do something he feels will be effective, I believe in exclusivity.  I believe in getting to know people in group environments, how they react and respond to each other in groups.  I believe in getting to know people through disgusting, horrible, and difficult times.  I believe in then deciding on the relationship.  I simply cannot imagine asking someone, then asking someone, then asking someone, then asking someone out again.  That’s pain.  And I believe it’s pain living on through past pain, searching for something that you may never find. 

I can only imagine people not agreeing with this particular blog.  I don’t care.  It’s my blog, more importantly, it’s how I feel about my love life.  I don’t mean to throw it back in people’s faces, however, you decided to read this one today, and it’s how I feel, no one else.  But I believe we sometimes hide from our pain.  All of us are damaged goods and all of us decide to do things that we believe will help us heal and help us move on.  I cannot fault my friend for this attempt.  I love my friend very much and want him to be happy.   There were many wonderful and true things that he said that I must comment on to make this blog more true to his opinion.  He doesn’t just ask a girl out with no background; he wants to make sure that each girl he asks out understand his stance in the dating situation, he wants them to guard their hearts as much as he is guarding his.  Also, he believes that something like this takes practice; he simply wants to interact with people, become more people smart.  Who wouldn’t want that!?  I would, but all I am saying is…as a girl, I couldn’t approach this delicate matter in his fashion.

So….the liberated part?  My friends in the past and present, they are honest with me and I love that about my friends.  My friends have been there for some really difficult, painful, (forgive my language) and shitty times in my life…and I am sure there will be more.  But this friend, he was open, appreciative, flattered, and above all understanding about something that is really tender in my life, and I appreciated him for it.  I had a meaningful conversation about a delicate issue with someone of the opposite sex and we were both fine!  Granted, the next time we saw each other, it was slightly awkward, but we still talk and we are still friends.  I was actually happy that we talked about it.  (Work with me…that’s right, there’s one more thing I should back up to).

In a previous blog, I mentioned that I had written a song about a boy that I had a crush on.  That’s right, it was my friend (mentioned above).  Well, that same night of our conversation, I told him the song was about him.  He was flattered and he was thankful that I told him.  This is yet another reason why I am so happy, he was so very mature about it that we were able to continue our friendship….with a better working knowledge about our relationship and friendship.  It was nice. 

Well…I feel like this is my diary now.  But either way, I am happy.

New White

Read Full Post »