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Posts Tagged ‘Life’

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Over the past decade, I have sometimes forgotten who I am.  I really don’t know if I am at home with the person that I did become.  Did I become someone that I really wanted to be, or did I compare myself with someone else in order to become like another person?  Who is the real me, anyways?

Over the past few months, I have definitely had some ups and downs; I have been able to easily see who I am in a sense, and, in a sense, of who I am not.  I have been able to say ‘no’ to some things that I know will not benefit me in the long run, and closeout the relationships that hurt me.  I guess in essence, this blog would have to be the example of how to love oneself.  I really don’t have any solid advice about how to go about getting there 100%, however, I have some thoughts….of course:

FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AND BE…AND THEN DO IT. BE IT.

If you have figured out what you like to do (that is something you can make a living off of), I think that you should start to pursue that as a goal.  It has taken me most of my adult life to become cognizant of the things that I enjoy doing and would like to continue to do, but it has caused me to start in a direction toward a goal.  In that, I feel like I am able to have a face, to have a reason for existence (for lack of a better description).  In that, in a sense, I can face my next task, my next hurdle, knowing that I am heading down a track/road that isn’t necessarily easy, but I am content in, knowing that’s for a certain purpose.  All of that, leads to a sense of having a little bit of a “chin-up” moment; a moment when you realize that you like what you are doing, and therefore can push yourself knowing you can love who you are while working towards that goal.

There are a lot of bad voices out there; too many to really name specifically, however, they say sometimes that you aren’t good enough to do what you want, or be who you want to be.  Sometimes, the voices say that the world is better off without you in it.  I can tell you that these things are not true, that your life most definitely has value; the people around you really don’t want to lose you, but, YOU have to make that decision of belief for yourself.  These voices can stay with you hours, days, weeks, months, years after you have originally heard them.  I think sometimes I have stayed so busy in an attempt to block them out.  That could be true, however, the people that have stayed around me, have had to constantly tell me that they enjoy spending that time with me; that I’m loved.  I’m still here, haven’t left town or the people that I love, so I guess it’s me deciding that I do indeed trust and believe what my loved ones are saying.  It’s up to each person to decide if they desire to trust.  For the parties getting the negative vibes, etc.:  do you really trust your friends and family when they say that they love you?  Sometimes that is the key to being able to stay in a town, stay in a lifestyle, or staying alive.

To come to a conclusion of sorts, friends, what you say to others and how they respond to you is very important.  You are helping each of your friends and family members determine how they feel about themselves; you’re letting them know they are worth the time and effort to know; that they can be loved.  As much as I’ve absorbed over these last 33 years, the one thing I’ve taken closest to heart is the people in my life that haven’t changed how they feel about me and the life path that the Lord has chosen for me.  Those people are sometimes are the reason why I love myself and what I do.

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Love, Day Two.  Ahhhh, Sadie went back to her private blog.  She may come back later in the month; she is so honest, scandalous, and blunt; love her.  Since we are on the second day, and I’m not exactly sure where this month could take me, I would like to discuss the subject of unrequited love.

Unrequited love is when one party has strong feelings for another party that doesn’t return those feelings.  To me, unrequited love is living in a constant state of false hope and torment.  It is sometimes where some of us like to dwell because we don’t know anything outside of it.  I have lived in its torment for many years, sometimes wondering why and what I could possibly learn from it.  If anything, I have learned that I cannot escape this state without a healthy relationship with others, and being honest and open about feelings.  This isn’t such a simple thing.  I know it’s really hard to share emotions and feelings with others.  You don’t know what they will do with your heart; you don’t know if they are trustworthy; you don’t know what they are thinking about you.

But…to be the victim of unrequited love means that you have to walk this earth with such an extreme unneeded and unhealthy burden upon your heart, that you feel that you can never be truly happy, that no one will really ever be the right one for you because you never had the one that “got away”.  You live your whole life wondering “what if”, when you never had to face such a question.  I never really thought about this until fairly recently in these last few weeks.  I have come to terms with the fact that some men in my past aren’t for me, and I do have to learn to let that go, but I cannot let my future groom (have mercy, Jesus) suffer in our relationship because I held on so tightly to something that wasn’t promised to me.

UPDATE:  An article that I just read today really does my entire blog entry justice, so I’m adding it.  It’s from Relevant Magazine contributor Marielle Wakim:  http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/what-do-when-it’s-complicated

This is what I am learning of love is that you have to be able to make room for it, you have to be able to accommodate it, not it accommodating you.  You cannot live in torment because your plans failed…if we all did that, over 95% of the population of the earth would never get out of bed in the morning.

Love is a stretch, but it’s a good stretch.  Love is different, but it’s a good different. Love is a challenging change.

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This will probably be the most revealing blog yet, because it’s late and I am no longer erring on the side of caution.

So — I have this issue where my heart becomes the strongest (weakest) part of my body.  It goes against common sense, it refuses help, and it always thinks it will outwit and outlive its creator.   That being said, I dare to mention that once again, even against the Holy Spirit’s best judgment, my heart decided that it was going to go forth yet again and invest itself in someone that it knew was not meant for it.

He was/is the kindest and best of men.  Someone who thinks the best things of family and is generous with his money, his time, and above all, himself.  There was/is never a moment where I was not attended to, not thought of while I was in his presence, and…well, he spoke my language, my love language; if music is a love language.  I think it is.

When one thinks about it, what is so wrong about this particular situation??  He seems very attentive to me and I seem to be aware of his presence.  What is stopping me?  Hmmm, I guess I would be that little pesky thing called defining exactly what type of relationship that you have.  But of course, I stop myself and wonder, I mean really wonder, ‘does he feel that way about me’??  Well, as of Sunday, I know the truth.  NO.

So, where does this leave me??  Realizing that once again, I have jumped to conclusions that this silly heart wanted to skip, run, and slide into.  Truthfully, I knew that I wasn’t supposed to feel this way about him; mainly because if he had felt that way, he would have acted on it earlier; he would have defined it as such, however, he didn’t.  That should have been my hint to stop dwelling on what is not for me.  But my stupid mis-directed heart, it wants what it can’t necessarily have.  It’s strange.  I think my heart is blind, feeling along the way just looking for something to latch onto, but we have to learn to take hold of it and place it in His care so that He can help it decipher what it is feeling.

God did something incredible for me though.  He rescued me before I fell too hard.  He knew that my heart would drag down the wrong path and He answered my heart’s unconscious prayer oh so quickly.  When I found out that this was the wrong path yet again, He gracefully and lovingly grabbed my hand and pulled me toward Him.  I have to say, the warmth of His beating heart is incredibly amazing; and the beat is so steady and sure.  God’s heart, make no mistake, truly is the most incredibly passionate, wild, steady, unwavering, untameable, and most careful force I could ever imagine.  And just think, it’s passionate and longing for me.  Who needs anyone else?  Ah — I’ll leave that for another blog.  🙂

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As I prepare for this journey on Wednesday, I find myself thinking about a friend that I lost.  For those of you that know me, understand that I think about her constantly and she had an impact on my life as well as my friends that knew her.  For those that just happen to glance at this blog, her name was Lisa.  Lisa was killed in 2006 at the hands of her mother, Sharon.  Sharon is in prison in Ypsilanti.  I know this, because I have been writing her for over a year now.

For some reason, about four months after Lisa’s death, she sent me a letter from jail.  She wanted to make amends, she wanted to send her apologies to all of Lisa’s close friends.   At first, I felt that I should try and do something with the letter, that I should give it to the friends that she mentioned…but then I felt like that would be a tremendous burden to have to give these people her letter and not know what to say…

I decided the best course of action would be to meet with people that would know what do to with the letter and how to distribute it.  Her first letter was one of desperation, she didn’t want to live, she only wanted to die to be able to see her daughter again.  There was no hope in this first letter, only the wish that she could find a way to end her life.  Sharon troubled me so, that I contacted her case worker, I contacted her mother to make sure she was alright and I wrote her a letter.  Ever since, Sharon and I have been writing.  At times, the whole process can be absolutely overwhelming.  Yes, she took one of my closest friends away from me, she stole the life of someone very important to me and very close to many, but then…..

Sharon changed.

I got a letter from Sharon this past week.  I was nervous to open this one as truthfully, my last letter to her was letting her know that she needs to change, she needs to move on with the rest of the path the Lord has for her.  In this new letter, she spoke about her grief, her sadness, her endless misery.  Then she spoke about this hope that I honestly found so refreshing, I smiled at her letter.  She spoke about her new roommate, a believer who had lost her way, that was bible trained, was a missionary in two foreign countries, and somehow was brought to Sharon in her very prison cell.  Now while I continue to wonder how this particular bible school trained woman ended up in a correctional facility, I was very moved by her recent letter.  Sharon is making an effort to understand God’s word and is now beginning the steps to forgive herself for taking the life of her daughter.

For those of you that did know Lisa, I understand that this may be difficult to read and even more difficult to understand…however, I believe (as does Sharon) that the Lord has forgiven her of her sins, however, Sharon needs to learn to forgive herself so that she can move on with what the Lord has for her now.  It has been really hard for me swallow, but I am learning about how wise the Lord is, how great and perfect He is, and how much He loves people; even when they seem unlovable.

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