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Posts Tagged ‘Marriage’

I have something saved up for tomorrow’s blog since tomorrow is some “special” day.  I don’t know what people are thinking about fancy dinners and chocolates for…Diehard 5 comes out tomorrow; I’ll be in the theater, thank you very much.

For today, I’m going to share about ex-boyfriends…..

Yipes.  This is a delicate topic.  I had dinner with a newer friend last night, and we were talking about our pasts and our present lives.  She thought me strange as I still spent a good amount of time around my ex-boyfriend, even though he is currently dating someone else.  She kept repeating the same phrase of “I don’t know how you do it.”  I guess I really didn’t think about it as much as I should have?  I mean, I do respect him enough that I keep my distance as he tries to figure out his dating life and relationships, however, we’ve never really condemned our friendship even though our dating relationship ended over four years ago.  I don’t find it unhealthy as I don’t try and sabotage his current dating relationships, I don’t wonder ‘what if’ when I spend time with him; I genuinely do enjoy his company, however, I just don’t feel that way about him.

At first, I was dating him because it made sense because we had had so much fun together just hanging out, however, after a weekend retreat with about uh, 25 girls all excited about who I was dating, it became abundantly clear after just three questions that certain needs weren’t being met in terms of what I’m looking for in a mate.  I was blocking it all because (I know now) I was just wanting to be in a relationship.  THIS WAS UNFAIR TO HIM.  I didn’t feel the same way that he felt about me.  His feelings were growing for me, and I was denying what I was really looking for.  When I got home, we hung out, did lunch, and talked.  When I broke up with him the first time (I don’t have time for the fullness of THAT story) he understood.  The important part was that he was willing to move on with our friendship.  I think this is where it’s miraculous.  I think this is what makes it different is that he was willing to let the friendship remain.  And our friendship has grown so much in the last five years, I can’t imagine life without this friend.  We’ve made mistakes along the way, we had some really REALLY hard times together, but the fact that I can still call him my friend is truly a gift.

I guess now, I just take it for granted as so many wonder why I have such a great relationship with him.  He is kind, funny, happy, focused, and dedicated.  He is a provider, he is a protector, he is loving, and he is gentle.  Even after typing all of these things out, you may wonder why in the world I stopped our romantic relationship.  I did it because of the blog post from the second day of this journey.  Unrequited love is a pain that you needn’t go through in this life if you don’t have to….and you should never have to.  Also, I found it to be deceitful to spend time in that relationship if I didn’t feel the same way.  As I get older, it gets more difficult to see those in relationships with great people, however, I will never ascribe to the belief that it is better to be in a relationship with someone/anyone, than no relationship at all.  Those people, I think, have the most to lose; they lose themselves hoping that perhaps love will bloom within a relationship by forcing it to continue because they don’t want to be alone.  AND, if they let it continue and it translates into a marriage…I just can’t imagine that.  I really can’t.

Summarizing everything above?  I really don’t know.  I would say pray for your friendships and your romantic relationships.  I think I got lucky with my friend, however, the process I took of discussing ending the relationship with him, I considered it to be delicate surgery in separating two joined parts.  In terms of conversations, it was one of the longer ones of my life, however, I took great care in accepting the blame and letting him know how much he meant to me.  The other part to this equation is that, perhaps he was feeling the same way, too.  I’ll never know because I’ll never ask, but the Lord granted us both some peace and understanding in this area.  I don’t think it would have been as easy if I let the relationship drag on after the realization that it should have ended.  I think I just respected and loved his heart more than wanting us to work out and wanting a road for us that led to marriage.

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We’re at day seven.  I think it’s time that we had a visit from Sadie.

My weeks haven’t been the greatest, however, throughout everything, I at least make sure that I am taking time for sanity.  There are so many people that I love spending time with, that want to spend time with me, that I have to say ‘no’ to.  Why?  Because I find that I am an introvert.  I need time to recharge, people!  I think that is a need for everyone, however, my ideal Saturday is sleeping in, getting up to make breakfast, then going out and doing something just for me.  Sounds like a normal thing, however, nine times out of ten, I like to do these things alone.  I find, however, that I end up spending time with people on an almost constant basis, whether I want to or not.  At times, my friends drive me crazy, they have serious issues, they have serious problems, they have serious shortcomings, they are callous, sometimes unkind, sometimes really ignorant.  I love them.  I love them because they continue to survive on this earth because they are in touch with their shortcomings, their ignorance, their unkindness, their issues, their problems.  Sometimes you really know that someone will be OK when they are able to openly discuss some things that are on their hearts.  I’m not saying that I am always ready to hear what they are ready to share, I’m not saying that I am always supportive and accepting of what they have to say, but I am honored that the people in my life do realize the need to express themselves and share these things with me.

It does not end there.  I am not a perfect ear.  I’ve already explained above that I’m not always ready to hear what they have to say.  I have shortcomings, issues, faults, problems, and ignorant points of my own.  I am grateful that I have people in my life to bounce my problems off of.  I have no idea what is going through their minds while I am explaining my thoughts and my hearts to them, but hey, that’s the whole part of relationships and trusting people in your friendships.  Trust is a really big thing that is also a very delicate thing.  I don’t want to lose people’s trust, and I certainly don’t want to stop trusting people, however….as an imperfect person, I do admit that it’s going to happen, and sometimes I stop trusting people and stop spending time with friends because I am all about self-preservation.  Sure…it’s perhaps cut and bail, but I think after all my years, I am starting to realize that someone standing on a chair can easily be pulled down off of it…definitely more difficult to pull someone up onto that chair.

In closing, if you want an effortless relationship, marry your bed, but even then, you gotta change it, its mattress will need to be replaced, etc.  Oh, screw it, there is no such thing as an effortless relationship with people or inanimate objects.  We have to wrestle through them, however, I’m finding; and I think I’m not alone, that it’s worth it.

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While it has been an incredibly long time since I actually blogged here, I have had many topics come to mind. Since the summer has pretty much come and gone, I have been through some significant realizations in my life that will inevitably affect the future path I go down. I believe the biggest one would have concerns the looking towards my future united to someone that I love; a husband, my other half, my partner, my second love. I was so determined to never give up searching for him, that I forgot to prepare myself for what he would find and be looking for. Does that make any sense? Even if it doesn’t, it does to me, it’s my blog…so there.

Of all of the things that I was holding onto, this was the one that gave me the best sense of false security. Exactly. False security, a way of controlling the future by holding onto it in our minds…that’s so stupid (insert Boo’s laughter here). Every new guy that came into my life, I would wonder if they were the one (I believe I have mentioned this in a previous blog, even). I could never find peace about where I was in life because I was measuring everything against how much other people had; so totally going against the things your parents tell you, that God tells you, that you are a unique creation and there is no one like you, there will never be any else like you. So…why am I trying so hard to be categorized like someone else?? To fall into the trap of someone else’s life….ewww.

So — the two first paragraphs were just to lay down the foundation. Over the summer, one of my closest friends and I decided to read a book called ‘Every Woman’s Battle’ (EWB). This book literally changed my life last summer as I read it for the first time and got rid of a few addictions and unhealthy behaviors that I was so happy to be freed from; it has been an amazing time of gratefulness to the Lord since then. I cannot say that I was completely cured and healed of some behaviors, however, that has not stopped the Lord from consistently standing in the way of the wrong path in order to guide me down the correct one. Accountability has helped! But let’s bring it back to the book. EWB has a workbook for single women. I have been working with that one while my friend (who is married) worked with the other. There are different questions every once in a while. One question was along the lines of this: “Do You Believe that God craves and desires a romantic relationship with you, or do you believe this kind of romantic relationship is only possible with a man?”

I thought that my answer would be reasonably simple, and I was just trying to get through the questions to exchange my book with my friend so that we could have a discussion. I found myself quite frustrated when my answer came out “wrong”. I kept thinking that the Lord just doesn’t feel that way about me; that He can’t possibly find me beautiful in that way. I mean, He can’t, right? Wait, who is to say that God can’t do something? Wait, so that must mean that He can and does feel that way about me? Weird. I mean how in the world could a human man feel that about me if God (in my mind) couldn’t? That’s just not possible. He put that desire and nature into a man!

God’s love for us is and can be manifested into the way a marriage is set up; yup, right down to the physical aspect. The attraction, the desire, all of it. So, I just start thinking, ack?! What in the world have I been taught over so many years that I only see God as this friendly friend, Father figure, Protector? In addition to this, He is my Lover, My Partner, My First Love. Now, I understand that some may be nodding in agreement and maybe a few people are like “duh” to my realizations, however, I just realized I don’t think the Lord finds me beautiful in that way….but uh, He does; it’s just going to take a little time for me to process that. And because I have taken the time to type all this out, ladies, I hope that you would take the time to realize that God feels the same way about you, too.

Contemplative...Again.

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There are a few things I have been going through lately.  I won’t go into detail at this point because I am still trying to work it out in my mind.  Be that as it may, I have found that my subconscious KNOWS that I am struggling with this thought and it likes to have fun in my dreams.

With my best friend getting married in August and her bridal shower last night, I begin to think about what lies ahead for me?  Do I get to have a husband during my lifetime?  I was just over at my Grandmother’s house for Mother’s Day and I came across a picture of an old couple (in their 80’s) who had just gotten married.  NEITHER had been married before…they waited that long.  It was cute and frightening at the same time.

Let’s go back a bit.  When I was involved in a college ministry, we had an awesome women’s small group that would talk about everything.  One day, we were talking about marriage and I was sharing that all I needed was the ring, the wedding, and the house.  Our co-director then asked, “but, what about the man?” And my reply was non-existent.  I had completely forgotten about the man, the groom!  I wonder why that is?

As I lay in bed last night, I remember drifting off after watching ‘Mythbusters’ and then my dream began.  I was with my best friend and we were enjoying my last night of singleness before my blessed wedding day.  But I was confused, nervous, and scared.  Why?  Because I knew there was no groom.  Everyone else seemed to be excited to attend my wedding the next day, and for some reason, no one had asked where my husband-to-be was.  As the hours passed, I gradually got more and more stressed, but the party kept going, and I kept wondering how in the world I was going to find a husband in time for the ceremony.  I was totally freaking out….then I woke up.

I have been thinking about this quite a bit because of recent events in my life that some people know about…and others don’t.  Again, I don’t want to go into detail just because, but, I think that this particular dream had meaning.  Why don’t I know where my groom is?  Why does everyone else think everything is fine and it is on schedule?  Could it be that I have given them this false sense that everything is going as planned?  I think I have touched on something really close to my heart that I haven’t dealt with.  Does everyone think things are better in my life than they actually are?  I think a lot of people go through that in their lives when trying to balance what their friends know and what they are really going through in life. 

All in all, I think that my dream should not be taken lightly because…I honestly believed that I could come up with a groom at the last minute that would fill in! How crazy is that?!  I remember having drinks with my best friend and then honestly thinking through the wedding ceremony with the fill-in groom hoping that the marriage would not be legally binding!  I am amazing! 😦

All I know is that My Father is entirely about me discovering His purposes for my life and how I can give Him glory. 

“Jesus, I am resting, resting
In the joy of what Thou art
I am finding out the greatness
Of Thy loving heart”

One of my favorite people on EARTH!

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