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Posts Tagged ‘Reality’

What is it?  How come we cannot really define it? Is it meant to be defined?  Is it meant to be accomplished in this life? Can we really do it well?  Will we truly ever find it?  Can it be the one thing that keeps us all sane and alive?  Can we stop it?  Can we be in love with it?  Is it a requirement for this lifetime? Can I be free of it?  Must I constantly run after it?  Can it be the same as the type as everyone else has?  Does it have to be with just one person?  Will it ever one day be just like it is in the movies?  Will we ever want it as bad as the feeling of lust?  Does it have the power to break us?  Can we really be forever changed by it? Can it one day have the power to save us?  Can we mend others with it? May we spread it all around? Can we allow it to help us live well?

Really?  Love, tell me, is it possible?

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Would like to first wish everyone who is reading this a very happy and prosperous new year; whatever that means for you. I’m not being cynical, I am just not sure what it means to everyone. For this year, it means that I have the ability of creating a niche for myself in the musician world.  I finally decided to complete and release my album. With my goal set at mid-February this year, I am excited to see this baby birthed.  Most mothers wait 9 months for their baby; mine has been 14 months coming…oh the pain.  Perhaps I will actually lose some weight when it’s born! HAHA.

All joking aside (at least for this paragraph), I want to share about the main thing on my mind for the new year, figuring out who you can depend on in all things great and small.  For a very long time during my childhood, I wanted to be the one that was included and invited to everything that my friends had going on.  It did not occur to me that I could not be everywhere at once, I just wanted to be included; to make a decision on what I would be involved in.  When I wasn’t included in the things that I wanted to be, I felt like the world only wanted me to suffer, that my friends could care less about me, that nothing mattered because everyone was selfish, wrong, and not worthy. In a sense, a very bitter/harsh sense, I could say that this is true.  Since no person on earth could ever fulfill every wanton desire that you have, can meet every expectation, and make sure that you are included in every moment — no one will ever be worthy. While I suffer through this revelation, I also realize that it has been the same conclusion whenever someone fails me. I just keep thinking that there will be that one person that will never leave me out of anything. But, they don’t exist.

Create your own happiness? No. Shut the entire world out and never reveal your spirit? No. Grow a thicker skin holding everyone at arms length and never trusting anyone or letting them in? No.

Being honest with yourself about what hurts you and being honest with your friends about what hurts you? Yes. Finding the right and honest way to respond to people that fail you and not straying from letting them know it? Yes.

It has been a really long time since I last blogged about my life.  In that time, I believe I suffered my first emotional breakdown in late August/early September 2010. At first, I said in my mind that it was a culmination of some people in my life getting married, some people graduating and moving away, and some taking new jobs and leaving the state. The reality of it? I was in a relationship that meant more to me than I thought and when they had to move away, the relationship had to end because it was time for a new season of life to start. I didn’t eat for days, didn’t sleep, and couldn’t work.  I denied the importance of my relationship with this person, I denied the impact it had on my life, but I couldn’t hide the relationship from a few true friends.  Through many in-depth and uncomfortable conversations, my friends helped me to see that this relationship was probably the most meaningful earthly relationship in my life…and I was denying its importance.  This person included me in so many things in their life; there really weren’t too many things that I missed, and when it was time for them to go — I didn’t realize it was ending, and the ending was very abrupt for me.   This past holiday season, this friend disappointed me and it hurt. It was then I realized I was still letting their departure affect and somehow dictate my emotions. Them being in town revived me and gave me peace; I was happy and it was good to feel that way again but also very disturbing and troubling; how could I let someone do that in my life? While the event that occurred wasn’t earth shattering, my heart and mind let me believe something else. I had to come clean and be honest with myself that it wasn’t healthy and how it was supposed to be. Now, it’s time to commit to telling my friend the truth.

I cannot depend on anyone or anything.  I can only depend on the Creator…and even He specifically says “no” to me from time to time. It sucks and it pains me, but, they aren’t in His will–His plan; and I am astonishingly alright with that…..I must be getting older 🙂

(This is where I spout my challenge and my credibly finite wisdom): If it’s going to truly be a new year for you, take the time to be a little bit more true and honest to yourself and to other people.

 

It’s all about GROWTH here.

If you’re not growing, you’re fading. There is no in between. There is no stagnation. I think it’s only healthy that you communicate to your spirit as well as those in your life how things affect you. You really are deceiving them if you don’t let them know you, and you really are deceiving yourself if you think people can automatically read and perceive your thoughts/emotions without you saying something.

With that being said, my new year just got truer, and a little brighter.

 

 

HAPPY. NEW. YEAR.

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