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Posts Tagged ‘shortcomings’

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Over the past decade, I have sometimes forgotten who I am.  I really don’t know if I am at home with the person that I did become.  Did I become someone that I really wanted to be, or did I compare myself with someone else in order to become like another person?  Who is the real me, anyways?

Over the past few months, I have definitely had some ups and downs; I have been able to easily see who I am in a sense, and, in a sense, of who I am not.  I have been able to say ‘no’ to some things that I know will not benefit me in the long run, and closeout the relationships that hurt me.  I guess in essence, this blog would have to be the example of how to love oneself.  I really don’t have any solid advice about how to go about getting there 100%, however, I have some thoughts….of course:

FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AND BE…AND THEN DO IT. BE IT.

If you have figured out what you like to do (that is something you can make a living off of), I think that you should start to pursue that as a goal.  It has taken me most of my adult life to become cognizant of the things that I enjoy doing and would like to continue to do, but it has caused me to start in a direction toward a goal.  In that, I feel like I am able to have a face, to have a reason for existence (for lack of a better description).  In that, in a sense, I can face my next task, my next hurdle, knowing that I am heading down a track/road that isn’t necessarily easy, but I am content in, knowing that’s for a certain purpose.  All of that, leads to a sense of having a little bit of a “chin-up” moment; a moment when you realize that you like what you are doing, and therefore can push yourself knowing you can love who you are while working towards that goal.

There are a lot of bad voices out there; too many to really name specifically, however, they say sometimes that you aren’t good enough to do what you want, or be who you want to be.  Sometimes, the voices say that the world is better off without you in it.  I can tell you that these things are not true, that your life most definitely has value; the people around you really don’t want to lose you, but, YOU have to make that decision of belief for yourself.  These voices can stay with you hours, days, weeks, months, years after you have originally heard them.  I think sometimes I have stayed so busy in an attempt to block them out.  That could be true, however, the people that have stayed around me, have had to constantly tell me that they enjoy spending that time with me; that I’m loved.  I’m still here, haven’t left town or the people that I love, so I guess it’s me deciding that I do indeed trust and believe what my loved ones are saying.  It’s up to each person to decide if they desire to trust.  For the parties getting the negative vibes, etc.:  do you really trust your friends and family when they say that they love you?  Sometimes that is the key to being able to stay in a town, stay in a lifestyle, or staying alive.

To come to a conclusion of sorts, friends, what you say to others and how they respond to you is very important.  You are helping each of your friends and family members determine how they feel about themselves; you’re letting them know they are worth the time and effort to know; that they can be loved.  As much as I’ve absorbed over these last 33 years, the one thing I’ve taken closest to heart is the people in my life that haven’t changed how they feel about me and the life path that the Lord has chosen for me.  Those people are sometimes are the reason why I love myself and what I do.

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We’re at day seven.  I think it’s time that we had a visit from Sadie.

My weeks haven’t been the greatest, however, throughout everything, I at least make sure that I am taking time for sanity.  There are so many people that I love spending time with, that want to spend time with me, that I have to say ‘no’ to.  Why?  Because I find that I am an introvert.  I need time to recharge, people!  I think that is a need for everyone, however, my ideal Saturday is sleeping in, getting up to make breakfast, then going out and doing something just for me.  Sounds like a normal thing, however, nine times out of ten, I like to do these things alone.  I find, however, that I end up spending time with people on an almost constant basis, whether I want to or not.  At times, my friends drive me crazy, they have serious issues, they have serious problems, they have serious shortcomings, they are callous, sometimes unkind, sometimes really ignorant.  I love them.  I love them because they continue to survive on this earth because they are in touch with their shortcomings, their ignorance, their unkindness, their issues, their problems.  Sometimes you really know that someone will be OK when they are able to openly discuss some things that are on their hearts.  I’m not saying that I am always ready to hear what they are ready to share, I’m not saying that I am always supportive and accepting of what they have to say, but I am honored that the people in my life do realize the need to express themselves and share these things with me.

It does not end there.  I am not a perfect ear.  I’ve already explained above that I’m not always ready to hear what they have to say.  I have shortcomings, issues, faults, problems, and ignorant points of my own.  I am grateful that I have people in my life to bounce my problems off of.  I have no idea what is going through their minds while I am explaining my thoughts and my hearts to them, but hey, that’s the whole part of relationships and trusting people in your friendships.  Trust is a really big thing that is also a very delicate thing.  I don’t want to lose people’s trust, and I certainly don’t want to stop trusting people, however….as an imperfect person, I do admit that it’s going to happen, and sometimes I stop trusting people and stop spending time with friends because I am all about self-preservation.  Sure…it’s perhaps cut and bail, but I think after all my years, I am starting to realize that someone standing on a chair can easily be pulled down off of it…definitely more difficult to pull someone up onto that chair.

In closing, if you want an effortless relationship, marry your bed, but even then, you gotta change it, its mattress will need to be replaced, etc.  Oh, screw it, there is no such thing as an effortless relationship with people or inanimate objects.  We have to wrestle through them, however, I’m finding; and I think I’m not alone, that it’s worth it.

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