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Posts Tagged ‘Suicide’

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Over the past decade, I have sometimes forgotten who I am.  I really don’t know if I am at home with the person that I did become.  Did I become someone that I really wanted to be, or did I compare myself with someone else in order to become like another person?  Who is the real me, anyways?

Over the past few months, I have definitely had some ups and downs; I have been able to easily see who I am in a sense, and, in a sense, of who I am not.  I have been able to say ‘no’ to some things that I know will not benefit me in the long run, and closeout the relationships that hurt me.  I guess in essence, this blog would have to be the example of how to love oneself.  I really don’t have any solid advice about how to go about getting there 100%, however, I have some thoughts….of course:

FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AND BE…AND THEN DO IT. BE IT.

If you have figured out what you like to do (that is something you can make a living off of), I think that you should start to pursue that as a goal.  It has taken me most of my adult life to become cognizant of the things that I enjoy doing and would like to continue to do, but it has caused me to start in a direction toward a goal.  In that, I feel like I am able to have a face, to have a reason for existence (for lack of a better description).  In that, in a sense, I can face my next task, my next hurdle, knowing that I am heading down a track/road that isn’t necessarily easy, but I am content in, knowing that’s for a certain purpose.  All of that, leads to a sense of having a little bit of a “chin-up” moment; a moment when you realize that you like what you are doing, and therefore can push yourself knowing you can love who you are while working towards that goal.

There are a lot of bad voices out there; too many to really name specifically, however, they say sometimes that you aren’t good enough to do what you want, or be who you want to be.  Sometimes, the voices say that the world is better off without you in it.  I can tell you that these things are not true, that your life most definitely has value; the people around you really don’t want to lose you, but, YOU have to make that decision of belief for yourself.  These voices can stay with you hours, days, weeks, months, years after you have originally heard them.  I think sometimes I have stayed so busy in an attempt to block them out.  That could be true, however, the people that have stayed around me, have had to constantly tell me that they enjoy spending that time with me; that I’m loved.  I’m still here, haven’t left town or the people that I love, so I guess it’s me deciding that I do indeed trust and believe what my loved ones are saying.  It’s up to each person to decide if they desire to trust.  For the parties getting the negative vibes, etc.:  do you really trust your friends and family when they say that they love you?  Sometimes that is the key to being able to stay in a town, stay in a lifestyle, or staying alive.

To come to a conclusion of sorts, friends, what you say to others and how they respond to you is very important.  You are helping each of your friends and family members determine how they feel about themselves; you’re letting them know they are worth the time and effort to know; that they can be loved.  As much as I’ve absorbed over these last 33 years, the one thing I’ve taken closest to heart is the people in my life that haven’t changed how they feel about me and the life path that the Lord has chosen for me.  Those people are sometimes are the reason why I love myself and what I do.

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My work week started out like any other, I mistakenly thought that someone was upset with me and I avoided them, and I had way too much work to do at the office.  Because I thought my friend was upset with me, I decided not to darken his door with my presence, and spent my evening at home.  I ate dinner with my parents, washed clothes, watched a British TV show on my computer, and even wrote a new song.  It was lovely to be home in my room, in the quiet.  Tuesday was a little bit better, kickboxing and then cancelling worship practice due to weather.  Wednesday, I didn’t see coming.

On Wednesday morning, I checked my facebook account to see that a message was sent letting me know that a friend had committed suicide.  I guess my reaction was not my normal reaction.  I was in shock, I was not hysterical, though.  Normally when someone tells me someone close to me has passed on, I laugh uncontrollably because I am hysterical.  I sat at my desk and I thought very deeply about what had happened.  I guess I was confused of the reason why he took his own life. 

When I first met Blake, I was on facebook.  He had randomly friended me because I was friends with one of his close friends.  After that, he would send me notes and little gifts and ask me how my weekend was going, however, he never really opened up about himself.  I guess I never noticed that.  Every once in a while, I felt like something wasn’t right, but then he would show up again and ask me how I was and what was up.  Blake ended up having to move out of town for work and things seemed to begin to fall apart for him.  He was on prescription drugs and things weren’t quite clicking for him.  He began to treat certain people as if they weren’t trying hard enough to support and love him.  All the while, I thought things were fine, and I was wondering how he was doing and why I hadn’t heard from him.

On Valentine’s Day, I sent him a gift and thanked him for all his kind words.  The next time I checked his facebook account, he had closed everything off.  I couldn’t see much and I figured it was something that I had done wrong, so I removed him from my friends. 😦  I seriously try not to blame myself, however, he was already in a vulnerable state and I feel as if I helped to push him over.

With every hour since I have heard of Blake’s death, I keep thinking about what we were.  We were friends, and yet I keep hearing things like “he really liked you…”, a friend told me that on Wednesday.  What does that mean?  I wanted to know him more.  What does that mean?  I keep beating myself up like…if he really liked me, why didn’t he tell me, or wasn’t I enough?!  I know these things of which I speak are so not what I should be thinking of, but they keep repeating for me in my mind.

What I do know, is ultimately, it was his decision to do what he did.  As much as I am in pain about losing him, I cannot blame myself.  I get this feeling as if I have been left on a cliffhanger.  What would we have become if he had just opened up to me?  What would happen, if I could just have truly been his close friend?  Why didn’t I feel something when it happened that night?  Why couldn’t I have called him or something?? I really don’t know.

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