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Posts Tagged ‘Trust’

Wow.  I feel like so much has happened all in one day.  I am so very thankful for this amazing group of women that I have been able to call friends.  They have shared some things that are very close to their hearts, and have shared shortcomings that they wish to change with the help of the Father.  It’s so humbling and so very exciting to be able to take part in their weekend of refreshing by leading them in worship…IT’S SUCH A PRIVILEGE to be a part of their lives for just one weekend.  I am full of joy.

I’ve had a lot of moments to think about the love that blossoms from relationships, namely friendships.  I have come to value so many different relationships that I have in my life, I fear that sometimes I take them for granted, and sometimes do not give them the time, effort, and energy that they deserve.  For others, I feel like I may smother them and therefore suffocate.  The relationships that I long to smother and suffocate are the ones that are usually feeding me the most nourishment that my soul needs, however, sometimes I think that I have become a glutton with regard to how much I feed off of that relationship.  Does that make sense?  I overly long for/crave more and more of that relationship.

In my walk through scripture today, I came across Isaiah 30:15 (NIV) – “in repentance and rest is your salvation. In quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.”

I also came across Job 13:15-16 (MSG) – “Because even if he killed me, I’d keep on hoping.  I’d defend my innocence to the very end.  Just wait, this is going to work out for the best—my salvation!”

Lastly, my life verses are Psalm 73:25-26 (NIV) – “Whom have I in heaven but You? And earth has nothing I desire besides You.  My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”

The first two verses seemingly have no relation to one another, however, for me, they speak volumes with regard to my walk as of late.  You see, I have been fighting to do more, to be more, to just be everything I want, in order to find peace of mind. No, I haven’t stomped on people’s dreams or said spiteful things, but I have stopped caring, really caring, about a person’s soul and how important it is to God.  I have not taken the time to remember how faithful the Lord is with our hearts; how wonderful He is in remembering the needs of His people.  I haven’t taken the time to really say ‘sorry’ to the Lord, to be quiet in Him; still (Psalm 46:10).  Because of this, I truly am weakened because I have not spent that needed time just listening and waiting.

When I really think about it, the second and third verses reference do go hand in hand in my eyes.  I really do realize that I have nothing else besides God and His love.  There is nothing else left, and there is no where else that I could go.  He is my hope and stay, and nothing can take me away from Him.

So why do I do things apart from Him?  Why have I been taking my own life and wasting it away, for lack of a better description?   I don’t have a really great answer, however, I get the feeling that it is wrapped up in being very impatient regarding God’s timing.  I crave an answer from Him, however, I want it a certain way; I want it in one amazing moment, an amazing sign, a beautiful tribute.  The problem is, that is a very ‘me’ mentality, and the Lord ain’t havin’ it.

I have been talking about loving well for about 20 days and how I strive for it, but I can’t even love and trust my God well enough to let that love from Him flow into me to flow out to others.  I am realizing that the problem I have begins with me and not with how to do it unto others.  I was sitting in one of the sessions, listening to my mentor, and just remembered some of the conversations from the first night.  I was so moved by these ladies sharing their hearts, praying over us, just being servants to Him.  I then realized that there was an amazing amount of trust going on…but it wasn’t necessarily them trusting me with hearing some of these sensitive topics, it was the trust that they had in the Father that allowed them the freedom to share.  I am always so fearful of sharing my life with others sometimes, that I miss the opportunities to love and befriend people.

I have a long way to go….and it’s time for me to close my eyes and sleep tonight, but yes, it’s that time of realization that faith and trust in the Father go such a long way in dealing with earthly relationships.

PSALM 146:3 – “Do not put your trust in princes, in mortal men who cannot save.”

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I have something saved up for tomorrow’s blog since tomorrow is some “special” day.  I don’t know what people are thinking about fancy dinners and chocolates for…Diehard 5 comes out tomorrow; I’ll be in the theater, thank you very much.

For today, I’m going to share about ex-boyfriends…..

Yipes.  This is a delicate topic.  I had dinner with a newer friend last night, and we were talking about our pasts and our present lives.  She thought me strange as I still spent a good amount of time around my ex-boyfriend, even though he is currently dating someone else.  She kept repeating the same phrase of “I don’t know how you do it.”  I guess I really didn’t think about it as much as I should have?  I mean, I do respect him enough that I keep my distance as he tries to figure out his dating life and relationships, however, we’ve never really condemned our friendship even though our dating relationship ended over four years ago.  I don’t find it unhealthy as I don’t try and sabotage his current dating relationships, I don’t wonder ‘what if’ when I spend time with him; I genuinely do enjoy his company, however, I just don’t feel that way about him.

At first, I was dating him because it made sense because we had had so much fun together just hanging out, however, after a weekend retreat with about uh, 25 girls all excited about who I was dating, it became abundantly clear after just three questions that certain needs weren’t being met in terms of what I’m looking for in a mate.  I was blocking it all because (I know now) I was just wanting to be in a relationship.  THIS WAS UNFAIR TO HIM.  I didn’t feel the same way that he felt about me.  His feelings were growing for me, and I was denying what I was really looking for.  When I got home, we hung out, did lunch, and talked.  When I broke up with him the first time (I don’t have time for the fullness of THAT story) he understood.  The important part was that he was willing to move on with our friendship.  I think this is where it’s miraculous.  I think this is what makes it different is that he was willing to let the friendship remain.  And our friendship has grown so much in the last five years, I can’t imagine life without this friend.  We’ve made mistakes along the way, we had some really REALLY hard times together, but the fact that I can still call him my friend is truly a gift.

I guess now, I just take it for granted as so many wonder why I have such a great relationship with him.  He is kind, funny, happy, focused, and dedicated.  He is a provider, he is a protector, he is loving, and he is gentle.  Even after typing all of these things out, you may wonder why in the world I stopped our romantic relationship.  I did it because of the blog post from the second day of this journey.  Unrequited love is a pain that you needn’t go through in this life if you don’t have to….and you should never have to.  Also, I found it to be deceitful to spend time in that relationship if I didn’t feel the same way.  As I get older, it gets more difficult to see those in relationships with great people, however, I will never ascribe to the belief that it is better to be in a relationship with someone/anyone, than no relationship at all.  Those people, I think, have the most to lose; they lose themselves hoping that perhaps love will bloom within a relationship by forcing it to continue because they don’t want to be alone.  AND, if they let it continue and it translates into a marriage…I just can’t imagine that.  I really can’t.

Summarizing everything above?  I really don’t know.  I would say pray for your friendships and your romantic relationships.  I think I got lucky with my friend, however, the process I took of discussing ending the relationship with him, I considered it to be delicate surgery in separating two joined parts.  In terms of conversations, it was one of the longer ones of my life, however, I took great care in accepting the blame and letting him know how much he meant to me.  The other part to this equation is that, perhaps he was feeling the same way, too.  I’ll never know because I’ll never ask, but the Lord granted us both some peace and understanding in this area.  I don’t think it would have been as easy if I let the relationship drag on after the realization that it should have ended.  I think I just respected and loved his heart more than wanting us to work out and wanting a road for us that led to marriage.

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Over the past decade, I have sometimes forgotten who I am.  I really don’t know if I am at home with the person that I did become.  Did I become someone that I really wanted to be, or did I compare myself with someone else in order to become like another person?  Who is the real me, anyways?

Over the past few months, I have definitely had some ups and downs; I have been able to easily see who I am in a sense, and, in a sense, of who I am not.  I have been able to say ‘no’ to some things that I know will not benefit me in the long run, and closeout the relationships that hurt me.  I guess in essence, this blog would have to be the example of how to love oneself.  I really don’t have any solid advice about how to go about getting there 100%, however, I have some thoughts….of course:

FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT TO DO AND BE…AND THEN DO IT. BE IT.

If you have figured out what you like to do (that is something you can make a living off of), I think that you should start to pursue that as a goal.  It has taken me most of my adult life to become cognizant of the things that I enjoy doing and would like to continue to do, but it has caused me to start in a direction toward a goal.  In that, I feel like I am able to have a face, to have a reason for existence (for lack of a better description).  In that, in a sense, I can face my next task, my next hurdle, knowing that I am heading down a track/road that isn’t necessarily easy, but I am content in, knowing that’s for a certain purpose.  All of that, leads to a sense of having a little bit of a “chin-up” moment; a moment when you realize that you like what you are doing, and therefore can push yourself knowing you can love who you are while working towards that goal.

There are a lot of bad voices out there; too many to really name specifically, however, they say sometimes that you aren’t good enough to do what you want, or be who you want to be.  Sometimes, the voices say that the world is better off without you in it.  I can tell you that these things are not true, that your life most definitely has value; the people around you really don’t want to lose you, but, YOU have to make that decision of belief for yourself.  These voices can stay with you hours, days, weeks, months, years after you have originally heard them.  I think sometimes I have stayed so busy in an attempt to block them out.  That could be true, however, the people that have stayed around me, have had to constantly tell me that they enjoy spending that time with me; that I’m loved.  I’m still here, haven’t left town or the people that I love, so I guess it’s me deciding that I do indeed trust and believe what my loved ones are saying.  It’s up to each person to decide if they desire to trust.  For the parties getting the negative vibes, etc.:  do you really trust your friends and family when they say that they love you?  Sometimes that is the key to being able to stay in a town, stay in a lifestyle, or staying alive.

To come to a conclusion of sorts, friends, what you say to others and how they respond to you is very important.  You are helping each of your friends and family members determine how they feel about themselves; you’re letting them know they are worth the time and effort to know; that they can be loved.  As much as I’ve absorbed over these last 33 years, the one thing I’ve taken closest to heart is the people in my life that haven’t changed how they feel about me and the life path that the Lord has chosen for me.  Those people are sometimes are the reason why I love myself and what I do.

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We’re at day seven.  I think it’s time that we had a visit from Sadie.

My weeks haven’t been the greatest, however, throughout everything, I at least make sure that I am taking time for sanity.  There are so many people that I love spending time with, that want to spend time with me, that I have to say ‘no’ to.  Why?  Because I find that I am an introvert.  I need time to recharge, people!  I think that is a need for everyone, however, my ideal Saturday is sleeping in, getting up to make breakfast, then going out and doing something just for me.  Sounds like a normal thing, however, nine times out of ten, I like to do these things alone.  I find, however, that I end up spending time with people on an almost constant basis, whether I want to or not.  At times, my friends drive me crazy, they have serious issues, they have serious problems, they have serious shortcomings, they are callous, sometimes unkind, sometimes really ignorant.  I love them.  I love them because they continue to survive on this earth because they are in touch with their shortcomings, their ignorance, their unkindness, their issues, their problems.  Sometimes you really know that someone will be OK when they are able to openly discuss some things that are on their hearts.  I’m not saying that I am always ready to hear what they are ready to share, I’m not saying that I am always supportive and accepting of what they have to say, but I am honored that the people in my life do realize the need to express themselves and share these things with me.

It does not end there.  I am not a perfect ear.  I’ve already explained above that I’m not always ready to hear what they have to say.  I have shortcomings, issues, faults, problems, and ignorant points of my own.  I am grateful that I have people in my life to bounce my problems off of.  I have no idea what is going through their minds while I am explaining my thoughts and my hearts to them, but hey, that’s the whole part of relationships and trusting people in your friendships.  Trust is a really big thing that is also a very delicate thing.  I don’t want to lose people’s trust, and I certainly don’t want to stop trusting people, however….as an imperfect person, I do admit that it’s going to happen, and sometimes I stop trusting people and stop spending time with friends because I am all about self-preservation.  Sure…it’s perhaps cut and bail, but I think after all my years, I am starting to realize that someone standing on a chair can easily be pulled down off of it…definitely more difficult to pull someone up onto that chair.

In closing, if you want an effortless relationship, marry your bed, but even then, you gotta change it, its mattress will need to be replaced, etc.  Oh, screw it, there is no such thing as an effortless relationship with people or inanimate objects.  We have to wrestle through them, however, I’m finding; and I think I’m not alone, that it’s worth it.

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OK – just to get the answers out of the way, in case you read yesterday’s post, here are the movies:

  • Bend It Like Beckham
  • Big Trouble in Little China
  • Pride and Prejudice, or, Bride and Prejudice
  • Camelot (Richard Harris version)
  • Catch & Release
  • Down with Love
  • The Holiday
  • New Years Eve
  • Maid in Manhattan
  • Penelope
  • Sabrina
  • She’s the Man
  • Something New

How many did you nail!?  Good job whatever you got; everyone’s a winner 😉

I have been struggling to think of what part of love to talk about today.  No, I don’t think that I reached the end of love, I just didn’t know which topic to choose.

My favorite type of love is unconditional.  I think there are songs and statements about unconditional love, however, I really don’t think that we’ll ever be able to fully understand the concept of unconditional love, because, none of us are capable of it.

To me, only someone perfect could look at everything that we have ever done, currently doing, or will do, and still say at the end of it all that they still love us and that the love that they have for us had not been altered by anything.  While I know that some would profess to say that they are capable of it, we are beings that can easily be affected by the outside forces that can dictate how we internally process things.  I think that as much as we want to love unconditionally, we actually are incapable of loving someone as consistently as they need.  The obvious example would be that of betrayal.  A bold betrayal in the face of trust.  Someone whom you trust implicitly with your life (perhaps) and your happiness, and they in turn do something that makes you mistrust them.  Your FEELINGS for that person shift, which cause you to have an emotional shift, and a doubt of your love and affection for that person since they have challenged your patience and crossed a line.  You cannot state that your love for that person isn’t altered, because it is.  They have done something to you, that some would deem unforgivable, causing your sense of reality with regard to your relationship with them to falter.

This post is meant to express the need for a higher authority being involved in loving others.  We cannot love one another perfectly, however, there is One who can, and He has been doing so since the creation of the world.  I’m very grateful that He goes before me when it comes to having relationships with friends and family because there are so many things that I have done so incorrectly in loving people around me, however, He takes care of expressing the correct things for me when I fail.  I find hope in this post because the truth in love doesn’t rest solely upon me, but His power of unconditional love that will never fail or forsake us.

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Love, Day Two.  Ahhhh, Sadie went back to her private blog.  She may come back later in the month; she is so honest, scandalous, and blunt; love her.  Since we are on the second day, and I’m not exactly sure where this month could take me, I would like to discuss the subject of unrequited love.

Unrequited love is when one party has strong feelings for another party that doesn’t return those feelings.  To me, unrequited love is living in a constant state of false hope and torment.  It is sometimes where some of us like to dwell because we don’t know anything outside of it.  I have lived in its torment for many years, sometimes wondering why and what I could possibly learn from it.  If anything, I have learned that I cannot escape this state without a healthy relationship with others, and being honest and open about feelings.  This isn’t such a simple thing.  I know it’s really hard to share emotions and feelings with others.  You don’t know what they will do with your heart; you don’t know if they are trustworthy; you don’t know what they are thinking about you.

But…to be the victim of unrequited love means that you have to walk this earth with such an extreme unneeded and unhealthy burden upon your heart, that you feel that you can never be truly happy, that no one will really ever be the right one for you because you never had the one that “got away”.  You live your whole life wondering “what if”, when you never had to face such a question.  I never really thought about this until fairly recently in these last few weeks.  I have come to terms with the fact that some men in my past aren’t for me, and I do have to learn to let that go, but I cannot let my future groom (have mercy, Jesus) suffer in our relationship because I held on so tightly to something that wasn’t promised to me.

UPDATE:  An article that I just read today really does my entire blog entry justice, so I’m adding it.  It’s from Relevant Magazine contributor Marielle Wakim:  http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationships/what-do-when-it’s-complicated

This is what I am learning of love is that you have to be able to make room for it, you have to be able to accommodate it, not it accommodating you.  You cannot live in torment because your plans failed…if we all did that, over 95% of the population of the earth would never get out of bed in the morning.

Love is a stretch, but it’s a good stretch.  Love is different, but it’s a good different. Love is a challenging change.

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I kept wondering for a bit why that ‘Sons and Daughters’ now ‘Watermark’ song kept coming into my head.  As I was going through things today, I realized that I had left God out of my decisions to do a few things today.  As I looked at that beautiful sunset this evening, I realized that I was hopeless, helpless, faltering, and flat out wrong without Him.  So — as I cozy up to my favorite pillows in bed tonight, approaching His throne and laying my head on His huge chest and crying myself to sleep (but in a good way), I remember and share this song….

          Well it’s bitter cold December and the leaves have fallen true
          And I do believe I’m still in love with You
          Yeah my scenery keeps changin’ and sometimes it’s hard to view
          but You let me see so much since I’ve known You
          So I headed to what seemed like nowhere
          But You told me You’d come
          You told me You’d meet me here
          And You were here to say:

         Welcome to Delaware, I know you’ve traveled far
         And it’s a lot colder here than you’re used to
         And I know, that in the winter time things aren’t what they used to be
         So all you really have here now is Me!

          So I settled here and that is that 
          For You to show me who I am
          You had to take me to a place I’d never been
          And all the things I dreaded most, about the things unseen
          Have now become the sweetest part of me

         Though I headed to what seemed like nowhere
          I knew You would come, I knew You would meet me here
          And You were here to say…

          Welcome to Delaware, I know you’ve traveled far
          And it’s a lot colder here than what you’re used to
          And I know, that in the winter time, things aren’t what they used to be
          So all you really have here now, is Me!

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