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Posts Tagged ‘Waiting’

Hold out, hold on, don’t give up, and don’t run.

I’m going to wait for the one who is for me.  I’m going to stand firm in the faith that Christ gave me.  I won’t abandon the hope that I have.  I won’t flee or cower when love finally finds me.

I have learned quite a bit about myself this month.  How capable of love that I am…but also, how capable I am of easily going down the wrong path, tripping over God’s examples, and making a mess of good relationships.  I hope that I am capable of learning from my mistakes and really making the best out of some awkward, painful, and ridiculous situations.  This month has been trying, but then again, I have had other months that have been the same way.

Colossians 1:26-29:

This mystery has been kept in the dark for a long time, but now it’s out in the open. God wanted everyone, not just Jews, to know this rich and glorious secret inside and out, regardless of their background, regardless of their religious standing. The mystery in a nutshell is just this: Christ is in you, so therefore you can look forward to sharing in God’s glory. It’s that simple. That is the substance of our Message. We preach Christ, warning people not to add to the Message. We teach in a spirit of profound common sense so that we can bring each person to maturity. To be mature is to be basic. Christ! No more, no less. That’s what I’m working so hard at day after day, year after year, doing my best with the energy God so generously gives me.

Two more days of February left…..

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This will probably be the most revealing blog yet, because it’s late and I am no longer erring on the side of caution.

So — I have this issue where my heart becomes the strongest (weakest) part of my body.  It goes against common sense, it refuses help, and it always thinks it will outwit and outlive its creator.   That being said, I dare to mention that once again, even against the Holy Spirit’s best judgment, my heart decided that it was going to go forth yet again and invest itself in someone that it knew was not meant for it.

He was/is the kindest and best of men.  Someone who thinks the best things of family and is generous with his money, his time, and above all, himself.  There was/is never a moment where I was not attended to, not thought of while I was in his presence, and…well, he spoke my language, my love language; if music is a love language.  I think it is.

When one thinks about it, what is so wrong about this particular situation??  He seems very attentive to me and I seem to be aware of his presence.  What is stopping me?  Hmmm, I guess I would be that little pesky thing called defining exactly what type of relationship that you have.  But of course, I stop myself and wonder, I mean really wonder, ‘does he feel that way about me’??  Well, as of Sunday, I know the truth.  NO.

So, where does this leave me??  Realizing that once again, I have jumped to conclusions that this silly heart wanted to skip, run, and slide into.  Truthfully, I knew that I wasn’t supposed to feel this way about him; mainly because if he had felt that way, he would have acted on it earlier; he would have defined it as such, however, he didn’t.  That should have been my hint to stop dwelling on what is not for me.  But my stupid mis-directed heart, it wants what it can’t necessarily have.  It’s strange.  I think my heart is blind, feeling along the way just looking for something to latch onto, but we have to learn to take hold of it and place it in His care so that He can help it decipher what it is feeling.

God did something incredible for me though.  He rescued me before I fell too hard.  He knew that my heart would drag down the wrong path and He answered my heart’s unconscious prayer oh so quickly.  When I found out that this was the wrong path yet again, He gracefully and lovingly grabbed my hand and pulled me toward Him.  I have to say, the warmth of His beating heart is incredibly amazing; and the beat is so steady and sure.  God’s heart, make no mistake, truly is the most incredibly passionate, wild, steady, unwavering, untameable, and most careful force I could ever imagine.  And just think, it’s passionate and longing for me.  Who needs anyone else?  Ah — I’ll leave that for another blog.  🙂

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An Open Letter:

It happened again. I used to think I liked to suffer, until I suffered just a little bit too long and too hard. It ended up being an outburst to an unsurprised party. He just kept shaking His head just so that I knew He wasn’t being mean, He was just understanding. He wanted to make me see that it was all in my mind…why I was suffering so. My mind ran rampant wondering why He had let me see so many other undeserving people (LIKE MYSELF) find relationships, find other people that found them interesting in that way, and yet, I was suffering by being alone; I felt like He was letting me suffer. I continue to struggle with not understanding; I continue to struggle with being so selfish. My goodness, my selfishness, my self-righteousness took a front seat and I refuse to let go of it.

I had never really been upset and angry with Him before, but right now, just plain livid. Why does my mind always seem to want and desire something that is never coming to fruition!? Why is it that I always think I am so close, when yet I am so very far away? Then, I begin to think to myself, it’s time to move away, I need to rid myself of all the people I have become to familiar with and start a new life for myself with new friends and a new prospect pool; surely that will increase my odds of being happy with a mate, right? Since there are no guarantees, I continue to remain here, wondering where this person could be….if they even exist for me at all.

Yes, everytime someone new comes around, I will think they are the one and I become overly excited with they aren’t attached. I wonder then why nothing happens. Perhaps it is the strange way that I view myself. I find myself most times to be pretty enough, but maybe others don’t feel that way. Not necessarily getting too down on myself, (don’t send me frakking messages!) I just wonder how other people view me…truly.

So, dear reader, in closing, I don’t like to suffer, however, I suffer because my mind plays evil little deceitful tricks. It gives the wrong messages to my heart leaving me wondering why nothing ever clicks for me. I see other people starting relationships and I wonder when my turn will be. But whatever, I just choose to give up right now. I choose to be upset and peeved when I feel like it and not necessarily just wait…just not care.

Me - October 2008

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